PREPARE: Preparing for your Successful Marriage
You will find thought-provoking materials to help you gain greater clarity about what you want from life and from marriage, from choosing your priorities in a mate, to dealing with emotional baggage, to addressing sensitive issues like physical or mental illness.
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
You are only looking for the one person – just one! – and you cannot find someone with all the qualities you are hoping for. Perhaps you find most of the features, but never all of them.
What it means to be married – basics.
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental principles that are at the heart of what it means to be married. Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future.
What is “attachment” and why is this so important for romantic relationships?
“Attachment” is a fascinating and complex matter, and the consequences are enormous for people’s experience of entering into a relationship and how their fair once married. In fact, the issue of attachment may be the single most central and important factor in the quality and success of people’s relationships.
What Are You Committing To? Some pointers for discussion
Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to developing a meaningful emotional connection and do not want to take the relationship in a serious direction. Often this is because of an ambivalent relationship orientation. They want the closeness, but they are not ready to be tied down. So they treat dating like a game. You can tell a player by the very dramatic gap between their nice manner and their dismissive attitude towards the relationship.
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
The question of whether to consider dating or marrying someone who has a psychological problem is one of the most difficult relationship matters. The consequences could be enormous, and there is also a great deal of confusion and fear surrounding this issue. The purpose of this article is to offer some clarity to help you to make a thoughtful decision as to what is in your best interest.
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
When dating, it is so important to put most of your focus on “the fundamentals,” the absolutely most core parts of a person’s character.
Preconditions for dating
For a dating to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the date can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you are willing and able to apply the necessary time, energy, and clear mind to the project.
Never settle for “second best”.
You may reprioritize on some things you thought were important, but always make sure your spouse has your essential requirements. Dropping the insistence on unimportant preferences is perfectly okay, but do not abandon your truest priorities because it will mean you don’t have to date anymore.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
People are often encouraged to make a list of criteria to guide the search process. Without question, this is necessary and important, because how else can someone know who may be suitable for you.
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
You are only looking for the one person – just one! – and you cannot
What it means to be married – basics.
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to
What is “attachment” and why is this so important for romantic relationships?
“Attachment” is a fascinating and complex matter, and the consequences are enormous for people’s experience
What Are You Committing To? Some pointers for discussion
Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
The question of whether to consider dating or marrying someone who has a psychological problem
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
When dating, it is so important to put most of your focus on “the fundamentals,”
Never settle for “second best”.
You may reprioritize on some things you thought were important, but always make sure your
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
People are often encouraged to make a list of criteria to guide the search process.
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population.
What it means to be married – basics
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental
What is attachment? And why is it important?
What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what psychologists call “poorly attached,” which could cause us to experience difficulties in dating. For example, you may find that there
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
So you don’t like her brother – get over it!
People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage. But ultimately you are contemplating marrying an individual. You may marry “into” a family, but you
Pursue a meaningful life
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence, that resonates very strongly with the other person. They will be uplifted by the worthwhile life you are leading. Learn,
Preconditions for dating.
A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need to be in a fit mental state. Developing and maintaining a relationship requires the person to be able to focus
Let go of things that are unimportant.
If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom you are likely to be able to form a happy and fulfilling marriage, do not be quick to walk away
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you may learn things by actually meeting someone, you should not
Know what is really important to marriage…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences. You not be able to offer logical reasons for many of your preferences, but that too is fine. You are
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality
What it means to be married – basics
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to
What is attachment? And why is it important?
What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
So you don’t like her brother – get over it!
People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an
Pursue a meaningful life
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence,
Preconditions for dating.
A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need
Let go of things that are unimportant.
If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only
Know what is really important to marriage…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences.
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
Understanding he difference between “psychological issues” and “psychological illness”.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry.
The better you know yourself, the better prepared you are for dating and marriage.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
Understanding he difference between “psychological issues” and “psychological illness”.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry.
The better you know yourself, the better prepared you are for dating and marriage.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
- Articles
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- Visuals
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
You are only looking for the one person – just one! – and you cannot find someone with all the qualities you are hoping for. Perhaps you find most of the features, but never all of them.
What it means to be married – basics.
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental principles that are at the heart of what it means to be married. Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future.
What is “attachment” and why is this so important for romantic relationships?
“Attachment” is a fascinating and complex matter, and the consequences are enormous for people’s experience of entering into a relationship and how their fair once married. In fact, the issue of attachment may be the single most central and important factor in the quality and success of people’s relationships.
What Are You Committing To? Some pointers for discussion
Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to developing a meaningful emotional connection and do not want to take the relationship in a serious direction. Often this is because of an ambivalent relationship orientation. They want the closeness, but they are not ready to be tied down. So they treat dating like a game. You can tell a player by the very dramatic gap between their nice manner and their dismissive attitude towards the relationship.
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
The question of whether to consider dating or marrying someone who has a psychological problem is one of the most difficult relationship matters. The consequences could be enormous, and there is also a great deal of confusion and fear surrounding this issue. The purpose of this article is to offer some clarity to help you to make a thoughtful decision as to what is in your best interest.
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
When dating, it is so important to put most of your focus on “the fundamentals,” the absolutely most core parts of a person’s character.
Preconditions for dating
For a dating to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the date can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you are willing and able to apply the necessary time, energy, and clear mind to the project.
Never settle for “second best”.
You may reprioritize on some things you thought were important, but always make sure your spouse has your essential requirements. Dropping the insistence on unimportant preferences is perfectly okay, but do not abandon your truest priorities because it will mean you don’t have to date anymore.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
People are often encouraged to make a list of criteria to guide the search process. Without question, this is necessary and important, because how else can someone know who may be suitable for you.
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
You are only looking for the one person – just one! – and you cannot
What it means to be married – basics.
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to
What is “attachment” and why is this so important for romantic relationships?
“Attachment” is a fascinating and complex matter, and the consequences are enormous for people’s experience
What Are You Committing To? Some pointers for discussion
Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
The question of whether to consider dating or marrying someone who has a psychological problem
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
When dating, it is so important to put most of your focus on “the fundamentals,”
Never settle for “second best”.
You may reprioritize on some things you thought were important, but always make sure your
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
People are often encouraged to make a list of criteria to guide the search process.
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population.
What it means to be married – basics
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental
What is attachment? And why is it important?
What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what psychologists call “poorly attached,” which could cause us to experience difficulties in dating. For example, you may find that there
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
So you don’t like her brother – get over it!
People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage. But ultimately you are contemplating marrying an individual. You may marry “into” a family, but you
Pursue a meaningful life
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence, that resonates very strongly with the other person. They will be uplifted by the worthwhile life you are leading. Learn,
Preconditions for dating.
A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need to be in a fit mental state. Developing and maintaining a relationship requires the person to be able to focus
Let go of things that are unimportant.
If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom you are likely to be able to form a happy and fulfilling marriage, do not be quick to walk away
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you may learn things by actually meeting someone, you should not
Know what is really important to marriage…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences. You not be able to offer logical reasons for many of your preferences, but that too is fine. You are
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality
What it means to be married – basics
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to
What is attachment? And why is it important?
What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
So you don’t like her brother – get over it!
People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an
Pursue a meaningful life
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence,
Preconditions for dating.
A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need
Let go of things that are unimportant.
If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only
Know what is really important to marriage…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences.
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
Understanding he difference between “psychological issues” and “psychological illness”.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry.
The better you know yourself, the better prepared you are for dating and marriage.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
Understanding he difference between “psychological issues” and “psychological illness”.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry.
The better you know yourself, the better prepared you are for dating and marriage.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
NAVIGATE: Navigating the Shidduch Process
We cover all things shadchan-related, as well as how to network broadly for dating suggestions. You will find here strategies and tips on conducting research, interacting with parents and mentors, preparing your shidduch profile, and how to cope with the difficult feelings of disappointment or rejection – and numerous other topics as well.
Working with the Shadchan to find shidduch
A Shadchan’s job is not easy. They are tasked to find someone you will like, when they are not you. Here are a range of useful tips as to work together with the shadchan is as productive a manner as possible.
Why the first few dates are so important.
There are people who struggle with the very first dates. The communication skills for the first dates are different than most other communication; and some people find this difficult. These skills can be learned.
When dating does not work out, I take rejection very personally.
It would be easy to just say not to take it personally, but if only it were that simple. The urge for a romantic bond is deeply hard-wired into our brains. For this reason, some people experience rejection not merely as a (sometimes bitter) disappointment, but a very personal attack on their value as a human being. Here are key points to help you respond most constructively to this distressing feeling.
What to do on a date?
Here are some activities that people have done during dating. The idea is not only to have a nice time together but to get to know each other from a different angle. Doing such activities together can give you insight that cannot be gleaned from conversations.
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other, to become inseparable. Two people who have never met now want to spend the rest of their lives together.
This does not happen in one leap. The dating pair go through several stages in the process, even if the time duration can be quite short. Each stage involves different skills and can be faced with different issues. Those are usually skills and issues that the people involved have never been faced with in any other area of their lives.
Should They Continue or Should They Quit?
When after a few good dates, one or both parties feel that it is not going anywhere, the question arises whether to keep going or quit. It is important to recognize that there is, in reality, a third option: helping those dating to become unstuck?
Often there is an entirely comprehensible reason why things are stuck, and in most such cases it is possible to get around the issue. Most of the issues can be overcome through a basic level of self-awareness combined with acquiring some modest new dating or relationship building skills. We would help many people if we offer daters access to timely input.
Questions to Ask a Reference About a Prospective Date
Your research should provide enough information to determine if the shidduch has some potential. The people date to really find out about each other.
The information uncovered during the research should never be relied on 100%. Everything must be confirmed during the dating process.
Profiles, Resumes, Reference Sheets
A resume/ profile highlights information about you. It is basically a snapshot of you. And it includes references.
Never settle for “second best”.
You may reprioritize on some things you thought were important, but always make sure your spouse has your essential requirements. Dropping the insistence on unimportant preferences is perfectly okay, but do not abandon your truest priorities because it will mean you don’t have to date anymore.
Is there anything wrong with dating two people at the same time?
The core of dating is commencing a process through which you become increasingly absorbed in a single person. At the beginning of the process, you are understandably being selfish. However, for the dating process to achieve its purpose it must transition from a continual focus on your own interest to a growing attachment to the other person.
Working with the Shadchan to find shidduch
A Shadchan’s job is not easy. They are tasked to find someone you will like,
Why the first few dates are so important.
There are people who struggle with the very first dates. The communication skills for the
When dating does not work out, I take rejection very personally.
It would be easy to just say not to take it personally, but if only
What to do on a date?
Here are some activities that people have done during dating. The idea is not only
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other,
Should They Continue or Should They Quit?
When after a few good dates, one or both parties feel that it is not
Questions to Ask a Reference About a Prospective Date
Your research should provide enough information to determine if the shidduch has some
Profiles, Resumes, Reference Sheets
A resume/ profile highlights information about you. It is basically a snapshot of you. And
Never settle for “second best”.
You may reprioritize on some things you thought were important, but always make sure your
Is there anything wrong with dating two people at the same time?
The core of dating is commencing a process through which you become increasingly absorbed in
Working with a Shadchan to find shidduch.
Working well with a shadchan is key to success. It begins with establishing a good working relationship, including finding one that suits you, and learning how they operate. The partnership’s success will be greatly enhanced
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population.
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other, to become inseparable. Two people who have never met now want to spend the rest of their lives together. This
Should I take a break?
Taking a break during dating is often a cop out and will not achieve anything. Most doubts or uncertainties regarding your dating partner are best resolved through interacting with your date or by getting sage
Realize that character traits are the most important.
Appearance is a big draw for many people, so is intelligence, income, profession – and, for some reason, a sense of humor. By all means factor these into your decision about a marriage partner. But
Parent and child getting on the same page regarding shidduchim.
Most shidduchim are set up with the assistance and advocacy of the young adult’s parents (or another older family member). The young man or woman is dependent on their parents to find them a potential
Not all advice offered is good advice.
It is not uncommon for people to give unsolicited advice, and it is not unusual for people to give opinions about matters they have little expertise – but it does seem that when it comes
Make sure your profile conveys meaningful information.
The purpose of the profile is to help a prospective date form a view as to someone’s suitability. It is therefore confusing why so many profiles are so generic and say so little that is
Know what you are looking for.
It is difficult to assess compatibility in the absence of criteria. Having a clear list of priorities against which to measure suitability will help you make your decision with confidence. You may not know what
Is there anything wrong with dating two people at the same time?
Why should anyone feel the need to do so? There are two divergent reasons, which are the basis for the two distinct types of double dating. There are people who are eager to get married.
Working with a Shadchan to find shidduch.
Working well with a shadchan is key to success. It begins with establishing a good
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other,
Should I take a break?
Taking a break during dating is often a cop out and will not achieve anything.
Realize that character traits are the most important.
Appearance is a big draw for many people, so is intelligence, income, profession – and,
Parent and child getting on the same page regarding shidduchim.
Most shidduchim are set up with the assistance and advocacy of the young adult’s parents
Not all advice offered is good advice.
It is not uncommon for people to give unsolicited advice, and it is not unusual
Make sure your profile conveys meaningful information.
The purpose of the profile is to help a prospective date form a view as
Know what you are looking for.
It is difficult to assess compatibility in the absence of criteria. Having a clear list
Is there anything wrong with dating two people at the same time?
Why should anyone feel the need to do so? There are two divergent reasons, which
TOOLS: Tools and Mindsets for Effective Dating
This ‘Tools’ section of the website covers a range of tips and ideas to generate good conversations, from listening and questioning skills. It offers great perspectives on the practice of dating, from dating etiquette to being presentable on a date, from understanding your own and your date’s personality, to recognizing when and how to seek outside assistance.
What people with strong personalities need to understand
If you have a strong personality, you don’t have to change (and really, you can’t change). You do need to recognize how others perceive you, and perhaps adopt more moderately adjusted behaviors – especially when dating.
The person I am dating has an anger issue, what should I do?
There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart. The first type is common among feisty people. However, sadly there is an abnormal type of anger problem we shall call rage. Someone with a rage problem has a mental illness.
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other, to become inseparable. Two people who have never met now want to spend the rest of their lives together.
This does not happen in one leap. The dating pair go through several stages in the process, even if the time duration can be quite short. Each stage involves different skills and can be faced with different issues. Those are usually skills and issues that the people involved have never been faced with in any other area of their lives.
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from the outset, and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening. You can provide context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue.
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. This impedes the dating process and makes it harder for both parties. The good news is that it is much less frightening than it seems.
How to give great compliments.
An authentic comment will come across as meaningful, memorable, and make the person feel special. A good compliment is genuine, full, specific and unique.
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about, and you’ll come across as an interesting person. Your dates will be more engaging and meaningful.
How being bullied affects dating.
The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will also be affected. There are two main effects of bullying: insecurity and unconfidence. Both impact dating.
When someone is insecure and lacking self-confidence, they keep their guard up; they are defensive and afraid to be vulnerable. They are afraid to trust others. This holds them back from sharing about themselves and building a relationship. They often lack the courage to make big steps, like getting into a relationship.
If your fears and anxieties are coming from events in your past, you must do everything possible to not let that harm your present and destroy your future.
If you see that you are struggling, it is important that you get input from someone with an understanding of effective dating. You may benefit from guidance from a dating coach or a wise shadchan.
How and why anxiety can get the better of you in dating.
We would all like to be relaxed and in control, but sometimes people get caught up in worries that lead to behaviors that others find challenging and which end up producing poor results.
Do I have to tell my date problematic things I have done in the past?
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If you have done things you should be ashamed of, not feeling guilt would be a bad thing. But if the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
What people with strong personalities need to understand
If you have a strong personality, you don’t have to change (and really, you can’t
The person I am dating has an anger issue, what should I do?
There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart. The first
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other,
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. This impedes the dating process and
How to give great compliments.
An authentic comment will come across as meaningful, memorable, and make the person feel special.
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about,
How being bullied affects dating.
The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will
How and why anxiety can get the better of you in dating.
We would all like to be relaxed and in control, but sometimes people get caught
Do I have to tell my date problematic things I have done in the past?
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a
Why dating can begin well and become difficult later.
Some people are great with dating until things turn serious. Once it becomes clear that things could go all the way with this person, a range of anxieties can kick in. Some people have a
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population.
Why am I not ‘falling in love’?
Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating experience and path to marriage is different from most. They won’t be getting those butterflies or heady feelings that many
Player Syndrome: How dating can be too much about fun.
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating.
In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and spend a really nice evening getting to know them. what’s not to like? This, sadly, is not how it feels
If things aren’t going well, stop and ask why.
It has been said that, “Once is luck, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.” If you have difficulties when dating one or two people, there is no reason to think much about it. Most people don’t
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
You are dating someone you get along with great. You feel great affection towards him; but despite numerous dates, you do not seem to be able to work up any kind of real passion for
I feel very strongly drawn to my date, but some things bother me.
Someone may be “stuck”. While they are dating someone they really like and get along with excellently, they are struggling with the idea of proposing because some things bother them. It may seem obvious that
How and why anxiety can get the better of you in dating.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a degree of compulsion. An addiction will interfere with your normal
Why it almost always pays to come prepared.
During dating you should feel relaxed and be yourself. Just let it flow. The problem
When dating does not work out, I take rejection very personally.
Some people experience rejection not merely as a (sometimes bitter) disappointment, but a very personal
What people with strong personalities need to understand.
Dating is as much about perception as it is about reality. People with a strong
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
Psychological problems can cause enormous difficulties in a relationship, but there is also excessive fear
Stay focused on what you are there to do.
If you are dating for marriage, stay clear about what you are trying to achieve.
Replace judgment with curiosity.
The person you are dating expressed a view or preference that you find instinctively strange.
Never settle for “second best.”
For a variety of reasons, people may feel pressure to form a relationship and get
Never divulge what you were told on a date
What is said during a date stays in the date. Relationships are all about trust,
Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating.
In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and
When dating does not work out, I take rejection very personally.
It would be easy to just say not to take it personally, but if only
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
How to recognize problematic behaviors.
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Why it is important to open up – even if it is hard.
When dating does not work out, I take rejection very personally.
It would be easy to just say not to take it personally, but if only it were that simple.
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
How to recognize problematic behaviors.
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Why it is important to open up – even if it is hard.
ACQUAINT: Getting to Know Each Other
This “Acquaint” section of the website focuses on getting to know one another. The purpose of the first few dates is to see if there is a suitable level of compatibility. But what aspects need to be compatible, and how do you best find that out?
Read about whether to trust your instinct, what to reveal during the first dates, how to handle surprising information, how to spot red flags, how to understand personality types, and what you may choose to do if the first dates didn’t go too well.
You may be an idiot, but there is no obligation to show it!
“Being yourself” is highly overrated during the early stages of dating. Better advice would be to “act your best self.” Before you have established trust and closeness, it is best not to pull out your silliness.
Why the first few dates are so important.
There are people who struggle with the very first dates. The communication skills for the first dates are different than most other communication; and some people find this difficult. These skills can be learned.
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
To make things simple, we divide this beahvior into three categories and reflect on each. They are: 1) selfish, 2) mildly narcissistic, 3) acutely narcissistic.
The person I am dating has an anger issue, what should I do?
There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart. The first type is common among feisty people. However, sadly there is an abnormal type of anger problem we shall call rage. Someone with a rage problem has a mental illness.
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
The question of whether to consider dating or marrying someone who has a psychological problem is one of the most difficult relationship matters. The consequences could be enormous, and there is also a great deal of confusion and fear surrounding this issue. The purpose of this article is to offer some clarity to help you to make a thoughtful decision as to what is in your best interest.
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
When dating, it is so important to put most of your focus on “the fundamentals,” the absolutely most core parts of a person’s character.
Should I take a break?
There are unique situations when a break would be helpful. The first is what we term a Feelings Break, when you find there is strong compatibility but you feel that you don’t have a sufficient emotional connection. A break may allow you to see whether there is a flicker of connection upon which to build. The second we call a Thinking Break, when you have strong feelings towards your dating partner but are facing a major decision and feel that it should not be clouded by the growing emotional bond. If a break is warranted, it must be broached with the utmost sensitivity and maturity.
Recognizing narcissistic tendencies.
A central feature of marriage is the ability and willingness to give and share. Some people find that difficult, and focus mostly on their own needs and wishes. Dr Elinor Greenberg sets out the main characteristics of narcissism, and how you can identify narcissistic tendencies.
Recognizing controlling tendencies.
Controlling behavior is when one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own needs — even at others’ expense. Generally, people are on their best behavior during dating. So it is especially important to really tune in and pay attention to the following questions during the dating. There are RED FLAGS of controlling tendencies.
You may be an idiot, but there is no obligation to show it!
“Being yourself” is highly overrated during the early stages of dating. Better advice would be
Why the first few dates are so important.
There are people who struggle with the very first dates. The communication skills for the
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
To make things simple, we divide this beahvior into three categories and reflect on each.
The person I am dating has an anger issue, what should I do?
There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart. The first
You may be an idiot, but there is no obligation to show it!
Dating doesn’t have to be all serious. If you have a fun personality, let it show. Have a good time, and let your date have a good time. But don’t act the clown. Don’t do
Why the first few dates are so important.
A good number of people could struggle with the very first dates. They tend to be those who are less adept at social interaction and find the early process of getting to know someone rather
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such a character, and that is fine too. While objectively selflessness
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
The five most important traits affecting relationships are: Emotional stability/Low neuroticism – Agitation, anger, irritation, hostility, touchiness, defensiveness Agreeableness – Degree of niceness and friendliness Conscientiousness – Making an effort for the relationship, having determination and not being
Recognizing narcissistic tendencies.
Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such a character, and that is fine too. While objectively selflessness
Recognizing controlling tendencies.
Some people are more passive, while others are more proactive. Some people are inclined to take more control of a situation, and other people are quite happy to follow. There is nothing wrong with either
It’s OK to ask personal questions on a first date
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
I have sensitive information to reveal: How can I do this while causing the least damage?
If you need to disclose sensitive information, it is important that you handle the process in a way that will cause the least damage. While each situation is clearly different, there are some common principles.
How to talk about parents and family on a date.
Family often brings out a lot of passion in people. They are the people we love most, but also the people who have the capacity to hurt us the most. People may not realize how
You may be an idiot, but there is no obligation to show it!
Dating doesn’t have to be all serious. If you have a fun personality, let it
Why the first few dates are so important.
A good number of people could struggle with the very first dates. They tend to
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
The five most important traits affecting relationships are: Emotional stability/Low neuroticism – Agitation, anger, irritation, hostility,
Recognizing narcissistic tendencies.
Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are
Recognizing controlling tendencies.
Some people are more passive, while others are more proactive. Some people are inclined to
It’s OK to ask personal questions on a first date
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
I have sensitive information to reveal: How can I do this while causing the least damage?
If you need to disclose sensitive information, it is important that you handle the process
How to talk about parents and family on a date.
Family often brings out a lot of passion in people. They are the people we
I have sensitive information to reveal.
How to reveal sensitive information while causing least damage.
First date didn’t go so well, is it recommended that I have a second date?
Whys and Hows of always going on a second date.
I have sensitive information to reveal.
How to reveal sensitive information while causing least damage.
First date didn’t go so well, is it recommended that I have a second date?
Whys and Hows of always going on a second date.
BOND: Deepening the Relationship
In this “Bond” section, you will find lots of ideas and questions to help you develop the connection, as well as materials on how you can tell whether the person you are dating is likely to be your suitable spouse and life-partner.
We address a multitude of topics, from what to do if something is bothering you about your date, whether you are settling for second best, what to do if you are not developing emotional feelings – and so much more.
Why am I not ‘falling in love’?
Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating experience and path to marriage is different from most. They won’t be getting those butterflies or heady feelings that many get. Still, they can ‘know’ that this person is a great marriage partner.
Should They Continue or Should They Quit?
When after a few good dates, one or both parties feel that it is not going anywhere, the question arises whether to keep going or quit. It is important to recognize that there is, in reality, a third option: helping those dating to become unstuck?
Often there is an entirely comprehensible reason why things are stuck, and in most such cases it is possible to get around the issue. Most of the issues can be overcome through a basic level of self-awareness combined with acquiring some modest new dating or relationship building skills. We would help many people if we offer daters access to timely input.
Know the difference between love and infatuation.
A relationship based on love is likely to stand the test of time; one based on infatuation won’t last. Love and infatuation can feel very similar. Make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation.
Love comes from shared values and a common vision, along with a meaningful knowledge of and connection with another. Infatuation is based on heady chemistry, excitement about all the attention, and physical attraction.
Is it true that opposites attract?
Being “opposite” is mostly not an advantage when it comes to relationships, with the exception of certain combinations of personality, especially strength and warmth of personality. A decent level of similarity is essential when it comes to most other aspects of personality, such as kindness and work ethic. When it comes to values, similarity is important, and the greater the convergence the better. When it comes to personal features, difference is not ever a plus, but most of the time they are easy areas for compromise.
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
You might be hoping that if you develop feelings towards, then your doubts will vanish. But it is your doubts that are making the chances of feeling love improbable. Go through the issues you have one by one and see if they really are deal-breakers. If they are not, you have to be willing to let them all go and start to “get in the moment.” You will see things change quite dramatically.
I feel very strongly drawn to my date, but some things bother me.
If you have been dating for a while, and have learned the hard way that it is not easy to find someone who truly works for you, then you need to be focused on what really matters. Perhaps all people would do well to be clear about their priorities and not allow relatively minor issues to dampen enthusiasm for a promising relationship.
I am looking for my soulmate; how do I know when I have found it?
When people speak about finding their soulmate, they generally mean one of two things. For some people it means looking for someone with whom they can have a deeper connection. Others, though, are searching for someone who can be their “everything” – and that can become a problem.
That person is not your soulmate because you are identical in every way, but because when together both of your souls thrive and flourish.
How can I be confident that I am marrying the right person?
What is most important for a marriage? A couple needs to be compatible when it comes to personality and values, but can sustain much great divergence when it comes to personal features.
How being bullied affects dating.
The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will also be affected. There are two main effects of bullying: insecurity and unconfidence. Both impact dating.
When someone is insecure and lacking self-confidence, they keep their guard up; they are defensive and afraid to be vulnerable. They are afraid to trust others. This holds them back from sharing about themselves and building a relationship. They often lack the courage to make big steps, like getting into a relationship.
If your fears and anxieties are coming from events in your past, you must do everything possible to not let that harm your present and destroy your future.
If you see that you are struggling, it is important that you get input from someone with an understanding of effective dating. You may benefit from guidance from a dating coach or a wise shadchan.
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
Where is the request to continue the dating process coming from? Has overall compatibility been established? What do they say they need clarity on?
Especially important Is to be clear between the two of you as to what kind of clarity is to be gained during the next dates.
Set a goal and a timeframe. Not an ultimatum. Don’t pressure.
Sometimes, people get stuck. It is worthwhile to get professional support in making a decision.
Why am I not ‘falling in love’?
Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating
Should They Continue or Should They Quit?
When after a few good dates, one or both parties feel that it is not
Know the difference between love and infatuation.
A relationship based on love is likely to stand the test of time; one based
Is it true that opposites attract?
Being “opposite” is mostly not an advantage when it comes to relationships, with the exception
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
You might be hoping that if you develop feelings towards, then your doubts will vanish.
I feel very strongly drawn to my date, but some things bother me.
If you have been dating for a while, and have learned the hard way that
I am looking for my soulmate; how do I know when I have found it?
When people speak about finding their soulmate, they generally mean one of two things. For
How can I be confident that I am marrying the right person?
What is most important for a marriage? A couple needs to be compatible when
How being bullied affects dating.
The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
Where is the request to continue the dating process coming from? Has overall compatibility been
Why dating can begin well and become difficult later.
Some people are great with dating until things turn serious. Once it becomes clear that things could go all the way with this person, a range of anxieties can kick in. Some people have a
Why am I not ‘falling in love’?
Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating experience and path to marriage is different from most. They won’t be getting those butterflies or heady feelings that many
The person I am dating has an anger issue, what should I do?
There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart. There are feisty people who are prone to raise their voices, get strongly animated, and occasionally get carried away. They may use
Should I take a break?
Taking a break during dating is often a cop out and will not achieve anything. Most doubts or uncertainties regarding your dating partner are best resolved through interacting with your date or by getting sage
Know the difference between love and infatuation.
Make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation. Marriage is true long-term deal, so it is vital that your decision is based on the factors that will greatly add
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
You are dating someone you get along with great. You feel great affection towards him; but despite numerous dates, you do not seem to be able to work up any kind of real passion for
I feel all he is interested in are my looks.
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance instead of our inner worth. It is worth remembering that
How being bullied affects dating.
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
The person you are dating says: “I still do not know how I feel about the relationship, but I really like you and want to keep going and see where it takes us”? How do
Don’t get possessive.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in
Why dating can begin well and become difficult later.
Some people are great with dating until things turn serious. Once it becomes clear that
Why am I not ‘falling in love’?
Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating
The person I am dating has an anger issue, what should I do?
There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart. There are
Should I take a break?
Taking a break during dating is often a cop out and will not achieve anything.
Know the difference between love and infatuation.
Make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation. Marriage
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
You are dating someone you get along with great. You feel great affection towards him;
I feel all he is interested in are my looks.
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened
How being bullied affects dating.
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
The person you are dating says: “I still do not know how I feel about
Don’t get possessive.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
Too much thinking can get in the way of feelings.
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
Talk it out; don’t guess or infer.
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
Too much thinking can get in the way of feelings.
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
Talk it out; don’t guess or infer.
COMMIT: Committing to Marriage
In this “Commit” section, we have lots of really helpful materials to see you through the final phase of dating, from what you need to know and discuss before making a final decision, to how to deal with remaining niggling doubt, to how best to propose.
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