People typically don’t question or even contemplate the reasons for their motivation. “It’s just how it is,” is their thinking. “I like it that way,” that’s all there is to it. But what if some people are unaware that they are being hugely impacted by the way their struggle to overcome their internal barriers – difficulty connect, issues with trust, fear of commitment – affects them?

Without being conscious of it, they are seeking to date people who they find highly appealing in a particular way, not simply because that’s what they find desirable, but also because they feel that enables them to generate sufficient motivation to overcome their inner struggles.

This can result in continual disappointment, as it is nearly impossible to find the person that motivating. It also drives many people to date the wrong people, because instead of focusing on their genuine suitability for marriage, they are fixated on being super excited about who they date.

The purpose of this article is to explain how this works. It can transform the way you think about your choices, by better understand where those preferences are coming from.

As with most things in life, when it comes to dating, individuals are influenced by two forces: push and pull, or intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.

The push force is an intrinsic motivation, driven by an internal hunger for a relationship to fulfill one’s need for intimacy and companionship.

The pull force is an extrinsic motivation that arises from external factors, such as finding someone highly intelligent or physically attractive.

You can think of this push and pull phenomenon in this way. When someone is hungry, they seek food to satisfy their hunger. However, they will look for food that is appetizing to them. If they do not find a particular food appealing, they may choose to pass over it. As their hunger intensifies, they become less concerned about the attractiveness of the food but still seek appetizing options. Typically, the push-pull split is 80/20. Most of the motivation comes from within (from hunger) and only a smaller amount of the motivation comes from the attractiveness of the food.

That is why someone who has recently eaten a meal and isn’t at all hungry won’t be interested in eating anything else. And the more the person is satisfied after a meal, the less he will be drawn to eat the new food. The food would have to be super desirable for him to be interested, because his appetite is particularly low.

To illustrate this point, someone told me a story about how she packed sushi for her daughter to take for school lunch. When she collected her daughter at the end of the day, the youngster told her mother: “Mommy, I didn’t eat my sushi for lunch.” Mother asked: “Oh, why not?” Daughter: “I don’t know, it didn’t seem so appetizing.” Mother: “Okay.” Daughter: “But I had it later during recess.” Mother: “How come?” Daughter: “Then I was hungrier!”

Similarly, for example, a person is highly unlikely to purchase a car or sign up for a university degree because they find the car attractive or the course interesting – unless there was a prior interest in it. The attractiveness of the car or the interestingness of the course will guide the person to a particular vehicle or course, but not to the principle of wanting it in the first place.

The same goes for dating: there is both a push factor and a pull factor. A healthy balance should give much greater prominence to the push factor – around the 80/20 ratio. Most of the motivation should come from within (the “hunger” to be in a relationship) and a smaller amount of motivation coming from external factors, such as attractiveness or financial status. That, indeed, is how it is for most people. When the motivation is coming from within it does not mean that just any person will do, but rather that the focus is on finding a person who fulfills the real relationship needs (and of course, is compatible and suitable).

However, there are some individuals who face mental or emotional barriers that hinder their internal motivation, affecting their push factor. This could be for a wide variety of reasons, such as because they have difficulty trusting, opening up, being vulnerable or decisive, overcoming perfectionism or fear – the list goes on.

Despite their normal desire to be in a relationship, something within themselves interferes, resulting in a significantly lower level of motivation than the desired 80 percemt. It’s like someone who has just eaten a large meal, their hunger level is low. There is therefore a gap between what their motivation level is and what it needs to be in order to successfully pursue being in a relationship. What is the consequence of this?

For many people, the unconscious response is to deal with their motivation deficit by compensating in some other way. Often, that means that they seek someone who is highly desirable in some striking way on the extrinsic side to compensate for the deficit in their natural motivation. In other words, the person they date needs to provide much more than the typical 20% extrinsic motivation.

They transfer, as it were, the problem onto the people they date – the other needs to be so super-duper desirable that it will not only provide the regular 20 percent of the motivation quotient but will also fill all or at least most of the gap due to the lowered intrinsic motivation. The person may insist on a highly developed sense of humor, an unusually high level of intellectualism, or – most commonly – a fixation on a particular type of appearance.

Rather than confronting the true issue of their underlying internal conflicts (which they might not even realize), individuals often grasp onto a particular trait of the person they are dating (or aiming to date) as the source of their excitement. In a sense, they shift the responsibility for attraction onto their potential partner rather than relying on their own decision-making abilities.  This approach might yield temporary enthusiasm; they may get very excited about someone they consider highly attractive. Invariably, this does not solve the underlying problem and failure inevitably ensues.

Ultimately, the extra attractiveness of the person one dates cannot solve the underlying problem. Instead, it causes the person to objectify the other, which is not a solid foundation for a successful relationship. By solely focusing on one factor to provide motivation, the individual’s attention is diverted from what truly matters, leading to a cycle of dating failure.

If this describes you, it is important that you understand what is happening inside your head and take back control, rather than becoming helplessly dependent on another person’s appearance (or whatever it may be) for your motivation. You need to recognize how – for unhealthy reasons – the elevated fixation on a particular issue such as appearance has hijacked your dating. Instead, you should determine the proportionate fit that physical attraction should have within the context of the rest of your priorities. This is explained more fully in Fixated by Appearance [https://datewell.org/?p=71231].

It is vital that you don’t give too much priority to how the person you date makes you feel. It is understandable that you would be drawn to someone who possesses features that attract you, but you have to be careful that your excitement is primarily based on meeting someone with whom you believe you have the ability to share your life.