BOND: Deepening the Relationship

The second, and typically longest, phase of dating is about deepening the connection, creating the opportunity for the relationship to develop.

In this “Bond” section, you will find lots of ideas and questions to help you develop the connection, as well as materials on how you can tell whether the person you are dating is likely to be your suitable spouse and life-partner.

We address a multitude of topics, from what to do if something is bothering you about your date, whether you are settling for second best, what to do if you are not developing emotional feelings – and so much more.

Why am I not ‘falling in love’?

Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating experience and path to marriage is different from most. They won’t be getting those butterflies or heady feelings that many get. Still, they can ‘know’ that this person is a great marriage partner.

open »

Should They Continue or Should They Quit?

When after a few good dates, one or both parties feel that it is not going anywhere, the question arises whether to keep going or quit. It is important to recognize that there is, in reality, a third option: helping those dating to become unstuck?

Often there is an entirely comprehensible reason why things are stuck, and in most such cases it is possible to get around the issue. Most of the issues can be overcome through a basic level of self-awareness combined with acquiring some modest new dating or relationship building skills. We would help many people if we offer daters access to timely input.

open »

Know the difference between love and infatuation.

A relationship based on love is likely to stand the test of time; one based on infatuation won’t last. Love and infatuation can feel very similar. Make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation.

Love comes from shared values and a common vision, along with a meaningful knowledge of and connection with another. Infatuation is based on heady chemistry, excitement about all the attention, and physical attraction.

open »

Is it true that opposites attract?

Being “opposite” is mostly not an advantage when it comes to relationships, with the exception of certain combinations of personality, especially strength and warmth of personality. A decent level of similarity is essential when it comes to most other aspects of personality, such as kindness and work ethic. When it comes to values, similarity is important, and the greater the convergence the better. When it comes to personal features, difference is not ever a plus, but most of the time they are easy areas for compromise.

open »

I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?

You might be hoping that if you develop feelings towards, then your doubts will vanish. But it is your doubts that are making the chances of feeling love improbable. Go through the issues you have one by one and see if they really are deal-breakers. If they are not, you have to be willing to let them all go and start to “get in the moment.” You will see things change quite dramatically.

open »

I feel very strongly drawn to my date, but some things bother me.

If you have been dating for a while, and have learned the hard way that it is not easy to find someone who truly works for you, then you need to be focused on what really matters. Perhaps all people would do well to be clear about their priorities and not allow relatively minor issues to dampen enthusiasm for a promising relationship.

open »

I am looking for my soulmate; how do I know when I have found it?

When people speak about finding their soulmate, they generally mean one of two things. For some people it means looking for someone with whom they can have a deeper connection. Others, though, are searching for someone who can be their “everything” – and that can become a problem.
That person is not your soulmate because you are identical in every way, but because when together both of your souls thrive and flourish.

open »

How being bullied affects dating.

The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will also be affected. There are two main effects of bullying: insecurity and unconfidence. Both impact dating.

When someone is insecure and lacking self-confidence, they keep their guard up; they are defensive and afraid to be vulnerable. They are afraid to trust others. This holds them back from sharing about themselves and building a relationship. They often lack the courage to make big steps, like getting into a relationship.

If your fears and anxieties are coming from events in your past, you must do everything possible to not let that harm your present and destroy your future.
If you see that you are struggling, it is important that you get input from someone with an understanding of effective dating. You may benefit from guidance from a dating coach or a wise shadchan.

open »

He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?

Where is the request to continue the dating process coming from? Has overall compatibility been established? What do they say they need clarity on?

Especially important Is to be clear between the two of you as to what kind of clarity is to be gained during the next dates.

Set a goal and a timeframe. Not an ultimatum. Don’t pressure.

Sometimes, people get stuck. It is worthwhile to get professional support in making a decision.

open »