PREPARE: Preparing for your Successful Marriage
You will find thought-provoking materials to help you gain greater clarity about what you want from life and from marriage, from choosing your priorities in a mate, to dealing with emotional baggage, to addressing sensitive issues like physical or mental illness.
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational analysis because they have conflicting or confused priorities. No one person can possibly meet those conflicting requirements.
Are you ready for marriage?
If you are not ready to get married, then you are not ready to date.
Do not say that ‘I may as well start dating because it will take me years until I find the right one’. Neither should you say, ‘I should start dating because that will help me figure myself out.’
Once you start dating, you should work with the assumption that this shiduch might very well be the ‘one’. You may just find that the first person you date is the one you want to marry.
So, are you ready to get married? Here are some things to really honestly think about. It might be worthwhile to review these questions with your mashpia or good friend who really knows you and can be forthcoming and honest.
Are you frightened by the difference of opinion?
In a marriage, there will be a healthy exchange of views and even differences of opinion. The unanimity of everything is no great sign of a perfect relationship. Dating is in a sense a mini-marriage, so getting a sense of how you can resolve differences is an important step in the transition towards true couplehood.
Are you fixated by appearance?
When the physical appearance continually proves to be an obstacle, it is often the product of the person’s own inhibitions and not the result of some meaningful preference that he or she has just not yet found.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Every person’s character is made of ‘parts’, generally these work well together. For some people, their parts want conflicting things. This makes dating for marriage more complex. But not impossible.
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational
Are you frightened by the difference of opinion?
In a marriage, there will be a healthy exchange of views and even differences of
Are you fixated by appearance?
When the physical appearance continually proves to be an obstacle, it is often the product
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Every person’s character is made of ‘parts’, generally these work well together. For some people,
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two
Are you fixated by appearance?
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness of their date is because it is greatly important to them. The reason why they have turned down so many
“I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.”
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
Are you fixated by appearance?
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness
“I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.”
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
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Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational analysis because they have conflicting or confused priorities. No one person can possibly meet those conflicting requirements.
Are you ready for marriage?
If you are not ready to get married, then you are not ready to date.
Do not say that ‘I may as well start dating because it will take me years until I find the right one’. Neither should you say, ‘I should start dating because that will help me figure myself out.’
Once you start dating, you should work with the assumption that this shiduch might very well be the ‘one’. You may just find that the first person you date is the one you want to marry.
So, are you ready to get married? Here are some things to really honestly think about. It might be worthwhile to review these questions with your mashpia or good friend who really knows you and can be forthcoming and honest.
Are you frightened by the difference of opinion?
In a marriage, there will be a healthy exchange of views and even differences of opinion. The unanimity of everything is no great sign of a perfect relationship. Dating is in a sense a mini-marriage, so getting a sense of how you can resolve differences is an important step in the transition towards true couplehood.
Are you fixated by appearance?
When the physical appearance continually proves to be an obstacle, it is often the product of the person’s own inhibitions and not the result of some meaningful preference that he or she has just not yet found.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Every person’s character is made of ‘parts’, generally these work well together. For some people, their parts want conflicting things. This makes dating for marriage more complex. But not impossible.
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational
Are you frightened by the difference of opinion?
In a marriage, there will be a healthy exchange of views and even differences of
Are you fixated by appearance?
When the physical appearance continually proves to be an obstacle, it is often the product
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Every person’s character is made of ‘parts’, generally these work well together. For some people,
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two
Are you fixated by appearance?
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness of their date is because it is greatly important to them. The reason why they have turned down so many
“I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.”
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
Are you fixated by appearance?
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness
“I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.”
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
NAVIGATE: Navigating the Shidduch Process
We cover all things shadchan-related, as well as how to network broadly for dating suggestions. You will find here strategies and tips on conducting research, interacting with parents and mentors, preparing your shidduch profile, and how to cope with the difficult feelings of disappointment or rejection – and numerous other topics as well.
Can introverts & extroverts marry each other?
We would not be addressing this question were it not for the fact that (in our view at least) this is a matter of some doubt. We have discussed elsewhere whether opposites attract, and in
Approach physical or mental illness with maturity.
No one should be judged for their preferences in a marriage partner. At the same time, it is a mistake to fixate on one factor in place of looking at the person as a whole.
A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people
Can introverts & extroverts marry each other?
We would not be addressing this question were it not for the fact that (in
Approach physical or mental illness with maturity.
No one should be judged for their preferences in a marriage partner. At the same
A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are
TOOLS: Tools and Mindsets for Effective Dating
This ‘Tools’ section of the website covers a range of tips and ideas to generate good conversations, from listening and questioning skills. It offers great perspectives on the practice of dating, from dating etiquette to being presentable on a date, from understanding your own and your date’s personality, to recognizing when and how to seek outside assistance.
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
It is normal that even successful dating will be accompanied by some degree of disappointment,
Be a sunshine, never whine
Most of us have plenty of reasons to complain. Life can be stressful, people let
Avoid sending mixed messages.
Dating is all about figuring things out. It is therefore understandable that you may have
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Some people find that whomever they date, they invariably find themselves dissatisfied. Nothing seems to
ACQUAINT: Getting to Know Each Other
This “Acquaint” section of the website focuses on getting to know one another. The purpose of the first few dates is to see if there is a suitable level of compatibility. But what aspects need to be compatible, and how do you best find that out?
Read about whether to trust your instinct, what to reveal during the first dates, how to handle surprising information, how to spot red flags, how to understand personality types, and what you may choose to do if the first dates didn’t go too well.
Accept that people don’t fundamentally change.
Don’t marry someone with the hope that they will change. As much as you may wish it, people don’t easily change their attitudes and core beliefs. Rather, think: Would you marry the person as they are? If the answer is yes – but you would rather they change this thing about themselves – then you have nothing to lose. If the answer is no, then this is not a compatible match for you.
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
It’s OK to ask personal questions on a first date.
Personal is not the same thing as private.
This might just be semantics, but they are
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from
He talks endlessly about himself on the date. Should I be concerned?
Talking about himself a lot is not necessarily a sign of arrogance, or a problem.
First date didn’t go so well, is it recommended that I have a second date?
Is a second date always sensible? It depends. If you found you had nothing in
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
The purpose of dating is not to confirm automatic full agreement on every topic. There
BOND: Deepening the Relationship
In this “Bond” section, you will find lots of ideas and questions to help you develop the connection, as well as materials on how you can tell whether the person you are dating is likely to be your suitable spouse and life-partner.
We address a multitude of topics, from what to do if something is bothering you about your date, whether you are settling for second best, what to do if you are not developing emotional feelings – and so much more.
COMMIT: Committing to Marriage
In this “Commit” section, we have lots of really helpful materials to see you through the final phase of dating, from what you need to know and discuss before making a final decision, to how to deal with remaining niggling doubt, to how best to propose.
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