Hello.

It can be truly unpleasant when a date goes wrong. You say that you are trying to figure out whether to continue. I imagine that is due to the fact that this behavior was not in line with what you have previously experienced from her.

Did you ask her about this?

It is very possible that you were surprised, or even shocked, and did not know how to adequately address this at the time.  It may even be better that you didn’t because you may have not worded it kindly. But you have clearly thought much about this since. And since it seems uncharacteristic of her, it seems to be fair that you give her a chance to explain.

If you do go ahead with another meeting or conversation be sure to be open to hearing whatever it is she shares. Be non-judgmental and honest. State your concerns and also that it was not what you were expecting, so that she understands you are not attacking her, but simply want to understand what is going on for her.

We are complex beings, all sorts of things could be happening, and it would be a shame to give up after a difficult, one-off situation.

When we have the courage to face challenging interpersonal questions with sincerity, everyone becomes wiser. Wishing you much hatzlocho.

Some possible scenarios that could cause such a thing to happen, and what to do if it does:

1.  A rough day.

We’ve all had one of these; the outfit we prepared to wear has an ugly stain that we didn’t notice until you put it on; the meeting at work goes over time and we are afraid to say we have to leave; a sibling borrowed our key and said they put it back but it wasn’t there when we looked for it… Then, when we try to explain the upheaval, it can come across as whining, especially if we are embarrassed by our imperfections and fumble to express the occurrences properly.

There is an interesting thing that can happen to us when we have expectations of a certain outcome and things start to go wobbly…we lose balance and desperately try to forge forward to make up time.  So we stress and try harder and invariably trip up some more, with everything getting more and more distressing. It often pays to stop and just accept that things are not going according to the plan and not try to fix it all.  Next time we will try again and we will get it right eventually.

2. The act crumbles.

We make great effort to impress and at times put ourselves under extreme pressure to seem ‘put-together’, ‘sociable’, or whatever else we feel will sell us better.  Eventually, this catches up with us and the cost can be that the reality is then hard to face.

It is important to know that we can be ok showing up as ourselves and just do our best to be truthful and most importantly, reliable and secure.

3. Reality hits.

The first few meetings are introductory and we can argue with ourselves that it is just to see how it will proceed.  At some point, it becomes more serious, both in the subject matter and decisions. That’s when we can start to get anxious, causing all sorts of unusual outcomes. 

It is perfectly acceptable to get support, none of us should feel that we need to do life alone.