What Are You Committing To? Some pointers for discussion
Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to developing a meaningful emotional connection and do not want to take the relationship in a serious direction. Often this is because of an ambivalent relationship orientation. They want the closeness, but they are not ready to be tied down. So they treat dating like a game. You can tell a player by the very dramatic gap between their nice manner and their dismissive attitude towards the relationship.
Should They Continue or Should They Quit?
When after a few good dates, one or both parties feel that it is not going anywhere, the question arises whether to keep going or quit. It is important to recognize that there is, in reality, a third option: helping those dating to become unstuck?
Often there is an entirely comprehensible reason why things are stuck, and in most such cases it is possible to get around the issue. Most of the issues can be overcome through a basic level of self-awareness combined with acquiring some modest new dating or relationship building skills. We would help many people if we offer daters access to timely input.
“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still possible and necessary to nurture it. How? By saying and doing those things that trigger the same kinds of reactions that for most people happen naturally. Make it your business to ensure that your date feels better about herself for having spent some time in your company. This is especially true for people who are struggling to build connection.
“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still
Questions to Ask a Reference About a Prospective Date
Your research should provide enough information to determine if the shidduch has some potential. The people date to really find out about each other.
The information uncovered during the research should never be relied on 100%. Everything must be confirmed during the dating process.
Before committing to marriage – for women
When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only with your heart. Before committing to marriage, THINK about these aspects of your relationship. And substantiate with examples and anecdotes.
Before committing to marriage – for men
When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only with your heart. Before committing to marriage, THINK about these aspects of your relationship. And substantiate with examples and anecdotes.
Conversation on first dates
The first half-hour of the first date(s) is all about loosening up, breaking any tension and just … getting through it. Keep things lighthearted, natural and quite general. Ask light questions with the intent to find something in common. When you are starting a conversation, not all topics will catch on right away. When something seems to catch both of your attention, hover on that topic and dive deeper.
First dates are not all about chit-chatting about random topics. The goal of the first dates is to get a sense of who the other person is. You both should be sharing bits about yourself in areas that are not that private.
What to do on a date?
Here are some activities that people have done during dating. The idea is not only to have a nice time together but to get to know each other from a different angle. Doing such activities together can give you insight that cannot be gleaned from conversations.
Are you ready for marriage?
If you are not ready to get married, then you are not ready to date.
Do not say that ‘I may as well start dating because it will take me years until I find the right one’. Neither should you say, ‘I should start dating because that will help me figure myself out.’
Once you start dating, you should work with the assumption that this shiduch might very well be the ‘one’. You may just find that the first person you date is the one you want to marry.
So, are you ready to get married? Here are some things to really honestly think about. It might be worthwhile to review these questions with your mashpia or good friend who really knows you and can be forthcoming and honest.
Profiles, Resumes, Reference Sheets
A resume/ profile highlights information about you. It is basically a snapshot of you. And it includes references.
How being bullied affects dating.
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
How being bullied affects dating.
Bullying often leaves someone feeling insecure and unconfident – and this can show up in the dating. If you were a a victim of bullying.
How being bullied affects dating.
The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will also be affected. There are two main effects of bullying: insecurity and unconfidence. Both impact dating.
When someone is insecure and lacking self-confidence, they keep their guard up; they are defensive and afraid to be vulnerable. They are afraid to trust others. This holds them back from sharing about themselves and building a relationship. They often lack the courage to make big steps, like getting into a relationship.
If your fears and anxieties are coming from events in your past, you must do everything possible to not let that harm your present and destroy your future.
If you see that you are struggling, it is important that you get input from someone with an understanding of effective dating. You may benefit from guidance from a dating coach or a wise shadchan.
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Play here Some people may think they are attracted to only a certain look and won’t even consider dating someone who doesn’t have those features.
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
Player Syndrome: How dating can be too much about fun.
In shidduch dating, both parties come to the table with a clear goal in mind: marriage. However, there is a small percentage of people –
Player Syndrome: How dating can be too much about fun.
Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game, and seem resistant to developing a meaningful emotional connection and do not want to take the relationship in a serious direction. Often this is because of an ambivalent relationship orientation. They want the closeness, but they are not ready to be tied down. So they treat dating like a game. You can tell a player by the very dramatic gap between their nice manner and their dismissive attitude towards the relationship.
Player Syndrome: How dating can be too much about fun.
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
It’s OK to ask personal questions on a first date
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about, and you’ll come across as an interesting person. Your dates will be more engaging and meaningful.
It’s OK to ask personal questions on a first date.
Personal is not the same thing as private.
This might just be semantics, but they are two different types of questions. A private question addresses matters which are private. A personal question elicits an answer that is unique to that person.
He talks endlessly about himself on the date. Should I be concerned?
Talking about himself a lot is not necessarily a sign of arrogance, or a problem. More important is how he thinks of, and treats, others.
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
How to give great compliments.
An authentic comment will come across as meaningful, memorable, and make the person feel special. A good compliment is genuine, full, specific and unique.
I had a lousy date. Should I continue seeing her?
Hello. It can be truly unpleasant when a date goes wrong. You say that you are trying to figure out whether to continue. I imagine
I think his mother is controlling and manipulative.
You cannot ignore this concern. But you should also not blow it out of proportion. It could be a huge issue, or not at all.
First deal with your psychological problems.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological problems. If you come to a relationship with psychological problems,
Be a sunshine, never whine
Most of us have plenty of reasons to complain. Life can be stressful, people let us down regularly, and on most days, something is likely
Pursue a meaningful life
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence, that resonates very strongly with the other person. They will
Never divulge what you were told on a date
What is said during a date stays in the date. Relationships are all about trust, so never break your trust by divulging what was said
Don’t undervalue a good date recommendation.
If you are fortunate to have astute friends or family members, welcome their suggestions for possible dates. Shadchanim may be professional matchmakers, but there is
Don’t talk about other dating partners.
Some people are mighty curious and are prone to enquire about other people. This can happen on a date, when you get asked about previous
Avoid sending mixed messages.
Dating is all about figuring things out. It is therefore understandable that you may have moments of clarity and confusion, certainty and doubt, connection and
Communicate back in a timely manner.
Some people play games with getting back to people. If you get back to them too soon, it is said, you are coming off as
Ensure your profile picture brings out your best.
It is understandable that many people are not keen of putting a picture in their profile. But if you are going to include a picture,
Make sure your profile conveys meaningful information.
The purpose of the profile is to help a prospective date form a view as to someone’s suitability. It is therefore confusing why so many
If things aren’t going well, stop and ask why.
It has been said that, “Once is luck, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.” If you have difficulties when dating one or two people, there is
Approach physical or mental illness with maturity.
No one should be judged for their preferences in a marriage partner. At the same time, it is a mistake to fixate on one factor
Realize that character traits are the most important.
Appearance is a big draw for many people, so is intelligence, income, profession – and, for some reason, a sense of humor. By all means
Stay focused on what you are there to do.
If you are dating for marriage, stay clear about what you are trying to achieve. You are not trying to have a pleasant night out
Don’t underrate quiet strength
Strength of character is not about how loud or quiet a person is. We would not be saying this were it not for the fact
How to talk about parents and family on a date.
Family often brings out a lot of passion in people. They are the people we love most, but also the people who have the capacity
Know how to be honest to be on a date.
You don’t go on a date with the intention of saying as little as possible. This is not a meeting with the IRS. You need
Why it almost always pays to come prepared.
During dating you should feel relaxed and be yourself. Just let it flow. The problem is that often we get stuck. We run out of
Do you have an “avoidance issue”?
You may find that there always is something that prevents you from reaching the engagement stage. Repeatedly you find that something impossible to ignore is
Don’t get possessive.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached
Why dating can begin well and become difficult later.
Some people are great with dating until things turn serious. Once it becomes clear that things could go all the way with this person, a
Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating.
In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and spend a really nice evening getting to know them. what’s
A date can be both difficult and successful – there is no inherent contradiction.
Ideally, you meet someone who is a great fit, you connect well with them, and are excited to have found someone with whom you can
Not all advice offered is good advice.
It is not uncommon for people to give unsolicited advice, and it is not unusual for people to give opinions about matters they have little
From whom to take guidance.
Dating can get complicated. Most people would benefit from guidance. Few of us are so well equipped with wisdom and experience that we can proceed
Know what is really important to marriage…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences. You not be able to offer logical reasons for many
You may be an idiot, but there is no obligation to show it!
Dating doesn’t have to be all serious. If you have a fun personality, let it show. Have a good time, and let your date have
Why the first few dates are so important.
A good number of people could struggle with the very first dates. They tend to be those who are less adept at social interaction and
I really care for her, so why can’t I feel that passionate love?
You are dating someone you get along with great. You feel great affection towards him; but despite numerous dates, you do not seem to be
What it means to be married – basics
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way.
The person I am dating seems to think only about himself. Should I get out?
Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
The five most important traits affecting relationships are: Emotional stability/Low neuroticism – Agitation, anger, irritation, hostility, touchiness, defensiveness Agreeableness – Degree of niceness and friendliness Conscientiousness – Making
The dating process explained.
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other, to become inseparable. Two people who have never met now
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you
Know the difference between love and infatuation.
Make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation. Marriage is true long-term deal, so it is vital that your
“I like the person I am dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt
I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married
I feel all he is interested in are my looks.
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the
How and why anxiety can get the better of you in dating.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a
Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt
Do I need therapy?
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are not going so well. You have dated a decent number
Be wary of judging the shidduch by how much you enjoy the date.
Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating. In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and spend
“I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.”
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the
Conflicting and confused priorities.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well.
I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married
Why the first few dates are so important.
A good number of people could struggle with the very first dates. They tend to be those who are less adept at social interaction and
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
The five most important traits affecting relationships are: Emotional stability/Low neuroticism – Agitation, anger, irritation, hostility, touchiness, defensiveness Agreeableness – Degree of niceness and friendliness Conscientiousness – Making
How and why anxiety can get the better of you in dating.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached
Are you fixated by appearance?
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness of their date is because it is greatly important to
Difference is not the end of the world
Dating is mostly about ensuring there is a great deal of agreement: about values, life goals, mutual interest, and so on. But there does not
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do
Recognizing narcissistic tendencies.
Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such
Why can’t I find someone with all the qualities I am looking for?
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
It is normal that even successful dating will be accompanied by some degree of disappointment, as it is almost impossible to find someone who is
I feel all he is interested in are my looks.
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Some people find that whomever they date, they invariably find themselves dissatisfied. Nothing seems to work for them. Usually, people who struggle in this way
Are you afraid of getting close?
Are you fine dating until the point where the dating turns “serious?” As soon as you sense that you have crossed over into “commitment territory,”
Is there anything wrong with dating two people at the same time?
Why should anyone feel the need to do so? There are two divergent reasons, which are the basis for the two distinct types of double
“I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.”
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the
Do I have to tell my date problematic things I have done in the past?
If nothing else, dating is about honesty. There are several important reasons for this. The main element of dating is “mutual self-disclosure,” whereby each party
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
The person you are dating says: “I still do not know how I feel about the relationship, but I really like you and want to
English
Hebrew