Lots thought-provoking insights and helpful advice for successful dating. Click on the title of the thought of interest to you to reveal the full text. Once you click on a topic, you will see that (in most cases) it has a link to a related full-length article for a more in-depth understanding of the issue.
These shorts are organized into six sections. You can also search for a particular issue by using the advanced search on this page.
Please bear in mind that the thoughts on this page only provide some initial insight, and should not be relied upon for a full understanding of the topic.
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
When two people in a marriage are living by significantly different codes of observance, this has the makings of frustration and conflict. Regardless of how much you like the person you are dating, if you are both planning to maintain meaningfully different levels of frumkeit, you are setting yourselves up for serious issues down the line.
However, it matters greatly the “what” and the “who.”
What – There is a huge difference between major religious differences and minor ones. While “major” and “minor” are relative terms, it is still often possible for someone to thoughtfully consider whether the specific issue of difference is something that should rightfully be considered “major.” An issue may also be judged as major or minor depending on the extent to which it affects the other party.
It is important to remember that any normal marriage will involve compromise. A degree of give-and-take in a marriage is completely normal and necessary. So, being able to come to agreement on smaller issues is a pretty important skill to develop for marriage.
Who – People vary in how flexible they are. Some people are ready and willing to adjust their ideas and behavior, while others find that prospect mildly traumatic.
So, know yourself. If you are the kind of person who is comfortable accepting change, you should be able to agree about minor issues.
On the other hand, if you struggle to compromise and cannot find a way to bridge the gap you need to think very carefully whether this is going to work, even if you feel very warmly towards your date.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological problems. If you come to a relationship with psychological problems, there is a significant probability that they will only get worse.
If you are suffering from depression, acute anxiety, an addiction, or such like, give your full attention to addressing that issue before you further complicate your life through trying to form a relationship.
Once you have got on top of your issue, you will be in a much better position to hold it altogether during dating. If you are not in the right state of mind to date, no amount of covering it up is going to work.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence, that resonates very strongly with the other person. They will be uplifted by the worthwhile life you are leading. Learn, read, volunteer, be active – you will have so much more to speak about on your dates and come across as a so much more of an interesting person.
Always be engaged in something that is helping you to grow into a wiser and deeper person – that is not bad advice at any stage in life, but it is especially true when involved in dating. the dates will also be more meaningful.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences. You not be able to offer logical reasons for many of your preferences, but that too is fine. You are drawn to some types of people and not to others – that’s how it is. Having said this, we are discussing a lifelong relationship, and some aspects are likely to have a massive impact on the marriage, while others will have little or no impact. Key features of the person’s personality, their most important values, and their ability to function well in a relationship are far more crucial than whether they have your preferred hair coloring or show interest in your hobbies.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental principles that are at the heart of what it means to be married. Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future.
Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future:
It’s not about you!
Be flexible.
You don’t have permission to say whatever you want.
The deal is that you share.
Your spouse isn’t there to rescue you.
What you bring into the marriage is what you will have in the marriage.
Your commitment isn’t dependent on things always going well.
You can’t take your spouse for granted.
Whatever effort you put in will be more than doubly repaid in the wonderful benefits you get to enjoy. Still, marriage is not for free: you get out what you put in.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you may learn things by actually meeting someone, you should not start dating without having a good sense of what you are looking for.
Think of people you know who have qualities you value. Write up a list of those traits and number them in order of importance to you. We recommend that you organize your list according to three broad headings: 1) character traits 2) life and spiritual values, and 3) personal features.
Learn to prioritize the features that you consider truly important in each category. Don’t rely too heavily on your gut reactions. Rather, put together your list of dating criteria with the input of another person who knows you well and can help you to think through what is genuinely important for you. Also, take time to identify your own strengths and limitations, so help you find someone who has the strengths or qualities you require.
Refer to your list when deciding who to date, whether to commit and to ensure you are not getting emotionally involved before ensuring there is genuine compatibility.
If this topic is relevant to your situation, please read the article in full.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married but who is questioning themselves.
One possible element of the issue is trying to work out what their sexual preference or orientation really is. Some people are genuinely frightened of entering a marriage when they doubt that they are sufficiently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. They worry that they will not “have their heart in it” and thus will struggle to participate appropriately in the marriage. There is also the moral issue that burdens their mind: “Is it fair and honest to enter into a marriage with someone when I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am emotionally fit to be the person my spouse expects me to be?”
The issue is more complex, insofar as they are most likely going to feel unable to tell the person they are dating about their sexual confusion. Most probably, they recognize that discussing this with their date will risk the “whole thing going up in smoke.” This means that they are contemplating hiding this issue from the person they will marry, which goes against the basic principles of openness and honesty with a spouse. Some people may worry that they will not be able “to keep a lid on it.”
If this topic is relevant to your situation, please read the article in full.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do in any other situation, so it is not surprising if some people will find the experience hard.
It is not uncommon for people to start out self-conscious, shy, or nervous. If you are naturally quiet or shy, you may well find the first dates challenging. The good news is that it is much less frightening than it seems, and you most likely will find it easier after a few dates.
Quiet types get married at the same rate as louder types – this does not stop you dating or getting married. If you are struggling, it is best to be open about it with your date. This is likely to make it easier for you, and to put your date more at ease.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging.
Where it gets complicated is when people also want – or more likely need – other features in their spouse which do not necessarily go hand-in-glove with intellectual brilliance. It is important to be clear whether this is indeed a key characteristic, because if you also have several other priorities as well, finding someone suitable can get challenging.
Many people don’t seem to realize that many types of intelligence play little to no role in one’s likely future happiness in a marriage. It is also vital to understand that there are multiple types of intelligence, and people can be smart in many different ways.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a degree of compulsion.
An addiction will interfere with your normal functioning, and it will undermine the level of focus and motivation that you could otherwise direct towards dating. Dating takes a lot of effort, which requires us to be highly motivated.
If one’s sexual energies are directed towards pornography, this greatly diminishes a key part of what drives us to put our efforts into dating.
In addition, the addiction scrambles the brain. It becomes more difficult to establish clarity around the place of appearance in the choice of marriage partner.
A further problem is that the person with a porn addiction is often frightened about getting into a marriage, given the heightened risks involved.
Indulging this addiction and dating are incompatible. Get help to overcome this problem before engaging in shidduchim.
Needless to say, this addiction is almost certainly going to severely undermine your marriage. So getting into a marriage before having this issue addressed makes no sense at all.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are not going so well. You have dated a decent number of people, and not only have you not met ultimate success (hence your single status), but you have had several difficult experiences. You are unsure why this is happening, and some friends are urging you to get a therapist. You are reluctant and unsure. So, you are asking: do I need therapy?
The short answer is yes and no. If you need it, absolutely yes. But if you do not need it, certainly not. If you are considering this issue, we strongly recommend that you read the longer article.
But in very brief, there are three categories.
- Those who have no psychological concerns. Everything seems straightforward. No problem; they should get on with their life.
- Those who are clearly struggling in one way or another. For example, they experience long bouts of depression and can spend days unable to get out of bed. Or, they are the victim of child abuse and find trusting people extremely difficult. Clearly, therapy is imperative. There is no point dating until the issue is properly addressed.
- Those somewhere in the middle. They do not have a clearly diagnosable medical condition, but they are beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that things are not adding up for them. For example, they repeatedly choose to date people they later realize are unsuitable for them. Or they find themselves backing out of serious dating situations right before the prospect of marriage can materialize – and do not know why. For this, a relationship coach could be the most suitable route.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
Experiencing guilt and shame means identifying what psychologists call an “internal locus of control,” namely that while we do not control all our circumstances, we have agency over the important choices in our lives. Shame and guilt are therefore profoundly empowering. They are an affirmation that we are not powerless about what decisions we make or what happens to us. We accept responsibility, because we believe we are largely in control of our destinies.
Accepting responsibility also allows us to decide that on a new path going forward. Only people who believe themselves to be powerless about past actions have reason to be insecure about their choices going forward.
It may feel cathartic to reveal all one’s past misdeeds to one’s romantic partner, but this is sometimes harmful and unnecessary. Share what you wish because it will be good for the relationship, not out of a desire to expiate your guilt.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage. But ultimately you are contemplating marrying an individual. You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. If you have an issue with a member of someone’s family, that is generally not an automatic reason to reject dating someone.
Having this challenging person in your spouses’ family may complicate matters somewhat, but it should not be a primary consideration. A prospective date should be judged on his or her own merit, and not shrunk down to the size of his or her most unappealing relative.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging and should be addressed and brought under control before entering into a marriage. Anger, or more accurately rage, is one such tendency that is highly destructive. Someone who has an anger management issue, whereby they can lose control of themselves when they get angry, risks great damage to their spouse and children, and could put their marriage in real jeopardy.
If you know that you are prone to explosive anger, make sure you learn how to manage it before it causes much harm. Please don’t play it down and say that “it’s just how it is, some people get angry more easily than others.” Dealing with an anger issue is something to be done before marriage, to avoid what could become irreparable damage.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
- coming
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness of their date is because it is greatly important to them. The reason why they have turned down so many dates is because they were not the “look” they are searching for. Perhaps.
But what if there is something entirely different at play? What if, in truth, their emphasis on the physical attractiveness of the other person is a way to compensate for their own internal barriers? For example, some people find commitment enormously difficult, and they may hope that the other person’s good looks will provide the motivation to push past their difficulty. Without having any awareness at all, some people expect the ravishing beauty of their date to help them overcome the issues that affect them. Sadly, if that is the case, it won’t work. Whatever the other person’s level of attractiveness, your issues (if they exist) will not disappear.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist in one person, but that is quite rare, and often brings its own problems.
It is usually wiser to choose which of those conflicting priorities is going to be given precedent and to let go of the less important one. It is conceivably possible to find someone who is highly ambitious and uniquely kind, and it could be fathomable that you could find someone who is highly religious and super-cool, but are these likely combinations?
Could it be that you are making an already complicated business of finding a marriage partner a whole lot more complicated?
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom you are likely to be able to form a happy and fulfilling marriage, do not be quick to walk away over relatively trivial things. Once you make the decision to put aside secondary wishes, you will realize that you can get over the disappointment.
There is simply no such thing as 100% compatibility, and we all are forced to let go of some preferences. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the other person that we genuinely forget that there are differences, but I assure you there are. You are not settling for second best when you don’t allow minor issues to sabotage a potentially great relationship.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things. It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage and life. But ultimately, you are contemplating marrying an individual. Of course, the influence of the person’s family is a factor. Nonetheless, more important is the person’s own journey and identity.
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. Marrying into a warm and supportive family is certainly a plus, and this may be something important to you. Certainly, you may want to avoid a family with a high level of toxicity. For sure, don’t make a shidduch decision based on a family member you don’t get along with. A prospective date should be judged for the most part on their own merit, and not shrunk down to the size of their most unappealing relative.
Having benefit from warm and stable parenting is a major factor in a person’s emotional wellbeing as an adult. However, that is often difficult to find out about. When a person has lived through a high level of family dysfunction – such as addiction, anger, divorce, etc. – this can result in emotional harm, and it is worth understanding how those experiences have affected the person, and whether you are able to handle the effects it may have had.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what psychologists call “poorly attached,” which could cause us to experience difficulties in dating.
For example, you may find that there is always something that prevents you from reaching the commitment stage. Repeatedly you find that something impossible to ignore is bothering you, and you feel utterly unable to contemplate marriage. The idea of proposing or accepting a proposal for marriage fills you with dread. What is really going on is that you have an “avoidant attachment orientation,” which makes the prospect of a lifelong commitment seem a terrifying thought.
Some people may have an “anxious attachment orientation,” which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in contact with their love-interest, want to know exactly where they are all the time, and react poorly when their date displays their independence. Sadly, this controlling behavior can push away the very person you are so desperate to keep close.
If properly understood, these issues can usually be readily overcome, but you are best off getting the appropriate guidance and support.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the dating can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you are willing and able to apply the necessary time, energy, and clear mind to the project. It is not advisable to start the shidduch process if, for example, you are committed to being a head counsellor in three weeks, as there is too great a risk that things will be left hanging.
Making this most important decision of your life is not best done under pressure. If you are in the middle of a shidduch, and you find you are unable to reach a decision by a particular deadline, it is best to put things on hold and resume when you are again able to give dating your full attention.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need to be in a fit mental state. Developing and maintaining a relationship requires the person to be able to focus on and prioritize the relationship and the person they seek to be in a relationship with. Someone struggling with any real addiction, whether to alcohol, gambling or any substance or practice, needs to get on top of this issue before dating should begin.
Likewise, someone who has a personality disorder, such as narcissism, obsessive-compulsive, or borderline personality, needs to get treatment to be in a position to pursue marriage. If someone has a mental illness, such as clinical depression, generalized anxiety, or bipolar they can in most cases successfully get back to a state of mental health. This is essential prior to dating, so that they can successfully pursue a relationship.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population. If a person seeks several qualities at a level that is above average for that particular feature, the number of people per, say, one thousand will be vanishingly small. For example, the number of people in a frum community who are six foot tall, highly attractive, and work as a professional, is small.
If you were to add additional specific requirements, it may become like searching for a needle in a haystack. Then consider that the other person has to want to be with you. That is why it is important that people focus on those qualities that are genuinely important to them and those qualities that contribute significantly to a successful marriage. If you are looking for someone who is statistically very rare, you are most likely going to find the process difficult.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
When two people in a marriage are living by significantly different codes of observance, this has the makings of frustration and conflict. Regardless of how much you like the person you are dating, if you are both planning to maintain meaningfully different levels of frumkeit, you are setting yourselves up for serious issues down the line.
However, it matters greatly the “what” and the “who.”
What – There is a huge difference between major religious differences and minor ones. While “major” and “minor” are relative terms, it is still often possible for someone to thoughtfully consider whether the specific issue of difference is something that should rightfully be considered “major.” An issue may also be judged as major or minor depending on the extent to which it affects the other party.
It is important to remember that any normal marriage will involve compromise. A degree of give-and-take in a marriage is completely normal and necessary. So, being able to come to agreement on smaller issues is a pretty important skill to develop for marriage.
Who – People vary in how flexible they are. Some people are ready and willing to adjust their ideas and behavior, while others find that prospect mildly traumatic.
So, know yourself. If you are the kind of person who is comfortable accepting change, you should be able to agree about minor issues.
On the other hand, if you struggle to compromise and cannot find a way to bridge the gap you need to think very carefully whether this is going to work, even if you feel very warmly towards your date.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological problems. If you come to a relationship with psychological problems, there is a significant probability that they will only get worse.
If you are suffering from depression, acute anxiety, an addiction, or such like, give your full attention to addressing that issue before you further complicate your life through trying to form a relationship.
Once you have got on top of your issue, you will be in a much better position to hold it altogether during dating. If you are not in the right state of mind to date, no amount of covering it up is going to work.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence, that resonates very strongly with the other person. They will be uplifted by the worthwhile life you are leading. Learn, read, volunteer, be active – you will have so much more to speak about on your dates and come across as a so much more of an interesting person.
Always be engaged in something that is helping you to grow into a wiser and deeper person – that is not bad advice at any stage in life, but it is especially true when involved in dating. the dates will also be more meaningful.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences. You not be able to offer logical reasons for many of your preferences, but that too is fine. You are drawn to some types of people and not to others – that’s how it is. Having said this, we are discussing a lifelong relationship, and some aspects are likely to have a massive impact on the marriage, while others will have little or no impact. Key features of the person’s personality, their most important values, and their ability to function well in a relationship are far more crucial than whether they have your preferred hair coloring or show interest in your hobbies.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental principles that are at the heart of what it means to be married. Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future.
Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future:
It’s not about you!
Be flexible.
You don’t have permission to say whatever you want.
The deal is that you share.
Your spouse isn’t there to rescue you.
What you bring into the marriage is what you will have in the marriage.
Your commitment isn’t dependent on things always going well.
You can’t take your spouse for granted.
Whatever effort you put in will be more than doubly repaid in the wonderful benefits you get to enjoy. Still, marriage is not for free: you get out what you put in.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you may learn things by actually meeting someone, you should not start dating without having a good sense of what you are looking for.
Think of people you know who have qualities you value. Write up a list of those traits and number them in order of importance to you. We recommend that you organize your list according to three broad headings: 1) character traits 2) life and spiritual values, and 3) personal features.
Learn to prioritize the features that you consider truly important in each category. Don’t rely too heavily on your gut reactions. Rather, put together your list of dating criteria with the input of another person who knows you well and can help you to think through what is genuinely important for you. Also, take time to identify your own strengths and limitations, so help you find someone who has the strengths or qualities you require.
Refer to your list when deciding who to date, whether to commit and to ensure you are not getting emotionally involved before ensuring there is genuine compatibility.
If this topic is relevant to your situation, please read the article in full.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married but who is questioning themselves.
One possible element of the issue is trying to work out what their sexual preference or orientation really is. Some people are genuinely frightened of entering a marriage when they doubt that they are sufficiently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. They worry that they will not “have their heart in it” and thus will struggle to participate appropriately in the marriage. There is also the moral issue that burdens their mind: “Is it fair and honest to enter into a marriage with someone when I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am emotionally fit to be the person my spouse expects me to be?”
The issue is more complex, insofar as they are most likely going to feel unable to tell the person they are dating about their sexual confusion. Most probably, they recognize that discussing this with their date will risk the “whole thing going up in smoke.” This means that they are contemplating hiding this issue from the person they will marry, which goes against the basic principles of openness and honesty with a spouse. Some people may worry that they will not be able “to keep a lid on it.”
If this topic is relevant to your situation, please read the article in full.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do in any other situation, so it is not surprising if some people will find the experience hard.
It is not uncommon for people to start out self-conscious, shy, or nervous. If you are naturally quiet or shy, you may well find the first dates challenging. The good news is that it is much less frightening than it seems, and you most likely will find it easier after a few dates.
Quiet types get married at the same rate as louder types – this does not stop you dating or getting married. If you are struggling, it is best to be open about it with your date. This is likely to make it easier for you, and to put your date more at ease.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging.
Where it gets complicated is when people also want – or more likely need – other features in their spouse which do not necessarily go hand-in-glove with intellectual brilliance. It is important to be clear whether this is indeed a key characteristic, because if you also have several other priorities as well, finding someone suitable can get challenging.
Many people don’t seem to realize that many types of intelligence play little to no role in one’s likely future happiness in a marriage. It is also vital to understand that there are multiple types of intelligence, and people can be smart in many different ways.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a degree of compulsion.
An addiction will interfere with your normal functioning, and it will undermine the level of focus and motivation that you could otherwise direct towards dating. Dating takes a lot of effort, which requires us to be highly motivated.
If one’s sexual energies are directed towards pornography, this greatly diminishes a key part of what drives us to put our efforts into dating.
In addition, the addiction scrambles the brain. It becomes more difficult to establish clarity around the place of appearance in the choice of marriage partner.
A further problem is that the person with a porn addiction is often frightened about getting into a marriage, given the heightened risks involved.
Indulging this addiction and dating are incompatible. Get help to overcome this problem before engaging in shidduchim.
Needless to say, this addiction is almost certainly going to severely undermine your marriage. So getting into a marriage before having this issue addressed makes no sense at all.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are not going so well. You have dated a decent number of people, and not only have you not met ultimate success (hence your single status), but you have had several difficult experiences. You are unsure why this is happening, and some friends are urging you to get a therapist. You are reluctant and unsure. So, you are asking: do I need therapy?
The short answer is yes and no. If you need it, absolutely yes. But if you do not need it, certainly not. If you are considering this issue, we strongly recommend that you read the longer article.
But in very brief, there are three categories.
- Those who have no psychological concerns. Everything seems straightforward. No problem; they should get on with their life.
- Those who are clearly struggling in one way or another. For example, they experience long bouts of depression and can spend days unable to get out of bed. Or, they are the victim of child abuse and find trusting people extremely difficult. Clearly, therapy is imperative. There is no point dating until the issue is properly addressed.
- Those somewhere in the middle. They do not have a clearly diagnosable medical condition, but they are beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that things are not adding up for them. For example, they repeatedly choose to date people they later realize are unsuitable for them. Or they find themselves backing out of serious dating situations right before the prospect of marriage can materialize – and do not know why. For this, a relationship coach could be the most suitable route.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
Experiencing guilt and shame means identifying what psychologists call an “internal locus of control,” namely that while we do not control all our circumstances, we have agency over the important choices in our lives. Shame and guilt are therefore profoundly empowering. They are an affirmation that we are not powerless about what decisions we make or what happens to us. We accept responsibility, because we believe we are largely in control of our destinies.
Accepting responsibility also allows us to decide that on a new path going forward. Only people who believe themselves to be powerless about past actions have reason to be insecure about their choices going forward.
It may feel cathartic to reveal all one’s past misdeeds to one’s romantic partner, but this is sometimes harmful and unnecessary. Share what you wish because it will be good for the relationship, not out of a desire to expiate your guilt.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage. But ultimately you are contemplating marrying an individual. You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. If you have an issue with a member of someone’s family, that is generally not an automatic reason to reject dating someone.
Having this challenging person in your spouses’ family may complicate matters somewhat, but it should not be a primary consideration. A prospective date should be judged on his or her own merit, and not shrunk down to the size of his or her most unappealing relative.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging and should be addressed and brought under control before entering into a marriage. Anger, or more accurately rage, is one such tendency that is highly destructive. Someone who has an anger management issue, whereby they can lose control of themselves when they get angry, risks great damage to their spouse and children, and could put their marriage in real jeopardy.
If you know that you are prone to explosive anger, make sure you learn how to manage it before it causes much harm. Please don’t play it down and say that “it’s just how it is, some people get angry more easily than others.” Dealing with an anger issue is something to be done before marriage, to avoid what could become irreparable damage.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
- coming
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness of their date is because it is greatly important to them. The reason why they have turned down so many dates is because they were not the “look” they are searching for. Perhaps.
But what if there is something entirely different at play? What if, in truth, their emphasis on the physical attractiveness of the other person is a way to compensate for their own internal barriers? For example, some people find commitment enormously difficult, and they may hope that the other person’s good looks will provide the motivation to push past their difficulty. Without having any awareness at all, some people expect the ravishing beauty of their date to help them overcome the issues that affect them. Sadly, if that is the case, it won’t work. Whatever the other person’s level of attractiveness, your issues (if they exist) will not disappear.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist in one person, but that is quite rare, and often brings its own problems.
It is usually wiser to choose which of those conflicting priorities is going to be given precedent and to let go of the less important one. It is conceivably possible to find someone who is highly ambitious and uniquely kind, and it could be fathomable that you could find someone who is highly religious and super-cool, but are these likely combinations?
Could it be that you are making an already complicated business of finding a marriage partner a whole lot more complicated?
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom you are likely to be able to form a happy and fulfilling marriage, do not be quick to walk away over relatively trivial things. Once you make the decision to put aside secondary wishes, you will realize that you can get over the disappointment.
There is simply no such thing as 100% compatibility, and we all are forced to let go of some preferences. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the other person that we genuinely forget that there are differences, but I assure you there are. You are not settling for second best when you don’t allow minor issues to sabotage a potentially great relationship.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things. It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage and life. But ultimately, you are contemplating marrying an individual. Of course, the influence of the person’s family is a factor. Nonetheless, more important is the person’s own journey and identity.
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. Marrying into a warm and supportive family is certainly a plus, and this may be something important to you. Certainly, you may want to avoid a family with a high level of toxicity. For sure, don’t make a shidduch decision based on a family member you don’t get along with. A prospective date should be judged for the most part on their own merit, and not shrunk down to the size of their most unappealing relative.
Having benefit from warm and stable parenting is a major factor in a person’s emotional wellbeing as an adult. However, that is often difficult to find out about. When a person has lived through a high level of family dysfunction – such as addiction, anger, divorce, etc. – this can result in emotional harm, and it is worth understanding how those experiences have affected the person, and whether you are able to handle the effects it may have had.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what psychologists call “poorly attached,” which could cause us to experience difficulties in dating.
For example, you may find that there is always something that prevents you from reaching the commitment stage. Repeatedly you find that something impossible to ignore is bothering you, and you feel utterly unable to contemplate marriage. The idea of proposing or accepting a proposal for marriage fills you with dread. What is really going on is that you have an “avoidant attachment orientation,” which makes the prospect of a lifelong commitment seem a terrifying thought.
Some people may have an “anxious attachment orientation,” which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in contact with their love-interest, want to know exactly where they are all the time, and react poorly when their date displays their independence. Sadly, this controlling behavior can push away the very person you are so desperate to keep close.
If properly understood, these issues can usually be readily overcome, but you are best off getting the appropriate guidance and support.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the dating can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you are willing and able to apply the necessary time, energy, and clear mind to the project. It is not advisable to start the shidduch process if, for example, you are committed to being a head counsellor in three weeks, as there is too great a risk that things will be left hanging.
Making this most important decision of your life is not best done under pressure. If you are in the middle of a shidduch, and you find you are unable to reach a decision by a particular deadline, it is best to put things on hold and resume when you are again able to give dating your full attention.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need to be in a fit mental state. Developing and maintaining a relationship requires the person to be able to focus on and prioritize the relationship and the person they seek to be in a relationship with. Someone struggling with any real addiction, whether to alcohol, gambling or any substance or practice, needs to get on top of this issue before dating should begin.
Likewise, someone who has a personality disorder, such as narcissism, obsessive-compulsive, or borderline personality, needs to get treatment to be in a position to pursue marriage. If someone has a mental illness, such as clinical depression, generalized anxiety, or bipolar they can in most cases successfully get back to a state of mental health. This is essential prior to dating, so that they can successfully pursue a relationship.
That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things…
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population. If a person seeks several qualities at a level that is above average for that particular feature, the number of people per, say, one thousand will be vanishingly small. For example, the number of people in a frum community who are six foot tall, highly attractive, and work as a professional, is small.
If you were to add additional specific requirements, it may become like searching for a needle in a haystack. Then consider that the other person has to want to be with you. That is why it is important that people focus on those qualities that are genuinely important to them and those qualities that contribute significantly to a successful marriage. If you are looking for someone who is statistically very rare, you are most likely going to find the process difficult.
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