Lots thought-provoking insights and helpful advice for successful dating. Click on the title of the thought of interest to you to reveal the full text. Once you click on a topic, you will see that (in most cases) it has a link to a related full-length article for a more in-depth understanding of the issue.
These shorts are organized into six sections. You can also search for a particular issue by using the advanced search on this page.
Please bear in mind that the thoughts on this page only provide some initial insight, and should not be relied upon for a full understanding of the topic.
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
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When two people in a marriage are living by significantly different codes of observance, this has the makings of frustration and conflict. Regardless of how much you like the person you are dating, if you are both planning to maintain meaningfully different levels of frumkeit, you are setting yourselves up for serious issues down the line.
However, it matters greatly the “what” and the “who.”
What – There is a huge difference between major religious differences and minor ones. While “major” and “minor” are relative terms, it is still often possible for someone to thoughtfully consider whether the specific issue of difference is something that should rightfully be considered “major.” An issue may also be judged as major or minor depending on the extent to which it affects the other party.
It is important to remember that any normal marriage will involve compromise. A degree of give-and-take in a marriage is completely normal and necessary. So, being able to come to agreement on smaller issues is a pretty important skill to develop for marriage.
Who – People vary in how flexible they are. Some people are ready and willing to adjust their ideas and behavior, while others find that prospect mildly traumatic.
So, know yourself. If you are the kind of person who is comfortable accepting change, you should be able to agree about minor issues.
On the other hand, if you struggle to compromise and cannot find a way to bridge the gap you need to think very carefully whether this is going to work, even if you feel very warmly towards your date.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological problems. If you come to a relationship with psychological problems, there is a significant probability that they will only get worse.
If you are suffering from depression, acute anxiety, an addiction, or such like, give your full attention to addressing that issue before you further complicate your life through trying to form a relationship.
Once you have got on top of your issue, you will be in a much better position to hold it altogether during dating. If you are not in the right state of mind to date, no amount of covering it up is going to work.
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When you show up on a date and you have a purposeful and meaningful existence, that resonates very strongly with the other person. They will be uplifted by the worthwhile life you are leading. Learn, read, volunteer, be active – you will have so much more to speak about on your dates and come across as a so much more of an interesting person.
Always be engaged in something that is helping you to grow into a wiser and deeper person – that is not bad advice at any stage in life, but it is especially true when involved in dating. the dates will also be more meaningful.
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There are few hard and fast right and wrongs when it comes to romantic preferences. You not be able to offer logical reasons for many of your preferences, but that too is fine. You are drawn to some types of people and not to others – that’s how it is. Having said this, we are discussing a lifelong relationship, and some aspects are likely to have a massive impact on the marriage, while others will have little or no impact. Key features of the person’s personality, their most important values, and their ability to function well in a relationship are far more crucial than whether they have your preferred hair coloring or show interest in your hobbies.
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What does it mean to be married, besides not being single? Successful dating leads to marriage, and marriage can’t be done just any other way. It needs to be done right. There are some fundamental principles that are at the heart of what it means to be married. Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future.
Here are some of the most important ideas for you to consider as you contemplate your future:
It’s not about you!
Be flexible.
You don’t have permission to say whatever you want.
The deal is that you share.
Your spouse isn’t there to rescue you.
What you bring into the marriage is what you will have in the marriage.
Your commitment isn’t dependent on things always going well.
You can’t take your spouse for granted.
Whatever effort you put in will be more than doubly repaid in the wonderful benefits you get to enjoy. Still, marriage is not for free: you get out what you put in.
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Do you actually know what you are looking for? Your list of preferences is only useful if real thought has gone into it. While you may learn things by actually meeting someone, you should not start dating without having a good sense of what you are looking for.
Think of people you know who have qualities you value. Write up a list of those traits and number them in order of importance to you. We recommend that you organize your list according to three broad headings: 1) character traits 2) life and spiritual values, and 3) personal features.
Learn to prioritize the features that you consider truly important in each category. Don’t rely too heavily on your gut reactions. Rather, put together your list of dating criteria with the input of another person who knows you well and can help you to think through what is genuinely important for you. Also, take time to identify your own strengths and limitations, so help you find someone who has the strengths or qualities you require.
Refer to your list when deciding who to date, whether to commit and to ensure you are not getting emotionally involved before ensuring there is genuine compatibility.
If this topic is relevant to your situation, please read the article in full.
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If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married but who is questioning themselves.
One possible element of the issue is trying to work out what their sexual preference or orientation really is. Some people are genuinely frightened of entering a marriage when they doubt that they are sufficiently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. They worry that they will not “have their heart in it” and thus will struggle to participate appropriately in the marriage. There is also the moral issue that burdens their mind: “Is it fair and honest to enter into a marriage with someone when I cannot say wholeheartedly that I am emotionally fit to be the person my spouse expects me to be?”
The issue is more complex, insofar as they are most likely going to feel unable to tell the person they are dating about their sexual confusion. Most probably, they recognize that discussing this with their date will risk the “whole thing going up in smoke.” This means that they are contemplating hiding this issue from the person they will marry, which goes against the basic principles of openness and honesty with a spouse. Some people may worry that they will not be able “to keep a lid on it.”
If this topic is relevant to your situation, please read the article in full.
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Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do in any other situation, so it is not surprising if some people will find the experience hard.
It is not uncommon for people to start out self-conscious, shy, or nervous. If you are naturally quiet or shy, you may well find the first dates challenging. The good news is that it is much less frightening than it seems, and you most likely will find it easier after a few dates.
Quiet types get married at the same rate as louder types – this does not stop you dating or getting married. If you are struggling, it is best to be open about it with your date. This is likely to make it easier for you, and to put your date more at ease.
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Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging.
Where it gets complicated is when people also want – or more likely need – other features in their spouse which do not necessarily go hand-in-glove with intellectual brilliance. It is important to be clear whether this is indeed a key characteristic, because if you also have several other priorities as well, finding someone suitable can get challenging.
Many people don’t seem to realize that many types of intelligence play little to no role in one’s likely future happiness in a marriage. It is also vital to understand that there are multiple types of intelligence, and people can be smart in many different ways.
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Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a degree of compulsion.
An addiction will interfere with your normal functioning, and it will undermine the level of focus and motivation that you could otherwise direct towards dating. Dating takes a lot of effort, which requires us to be highly motivated.
If one’s sexual energies are directed towards pornography, this greatly diminishes a key part of what drives us to put our efforts into dating.
In addition, the addiction scrambles the brain. It becomes more difficult to establish clarity around the place of appearance in the choice of marriage partner.
A further problem is that the person with a porn addiction is often frightened about getting into a marriage, given the heightened risks involved.
Indulging this addiction and dating are incompatible. Get help to overcome this problem before engaging in shidduchim.
Needless to say, this addiction is almost certainly going to severely undermine your marriage. So getting into a marriage before having this issue addressed makes no sense at all.
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You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are not going so well. You have dated a decent number of people, and not only have you not met ultimate success (hence your single status), but you have had several difficult experiences. You are unsure why this is happening, and some friends are urging you to get a therapist. You are reluctant and unsure. So, you are asking: do I need therapy?
The short answer is yes and no. If you need it, absolutely yes. But if you do not need it, certainly not. If you are considering this issue, we strongly recommend that you read the longer article.
But in very brief, there are three categories.
- Those who have no psychological concerns. Everything seems straightforward. No problem; they should get on with their life.
- Those who are clearly struggling in one way or another. For example, they experience long bouts of depression and can spend days unable to get out of bed. Or, they are the victim of child abuse and find trusting people extremely difficult. Clearly, therapy is imperative. There is no point dating until the issue is properly addressed.
- Those somewhere in the middle. They do not have a clearly diagnosable medical condition, but they are beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that things are not adding up for them. For example, they repeatedly choose to date people they later realize are unsuitable for them. Or they find themselves backing out of serious dating situations right before the prospect of marriage can materialize – and do not know why. For this, a relationship coach could be the most suitable route.
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Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
Experiencing guilt and shame means identifying what psychologists call an “internal locus of control,” namely that while we do not control all our circumstances, we have agency over the important choices in our lives. Shame and guilt are therefore profoundly empowering. They are an affirmation that we are not powerless about what decisions we make or what happens to us. We accept responsibility, because we believe we are largely in control of our destinies.
Accepting responsibility also allows us to decide that on a new path going forward. Only people who believe themselves to be powerless about past actions have reason to be insecure about their choices going forward.
It may feel cathartic to reveal all one’s past misdeeds to one’s romantic partner, but this is sometimes harmful and unnecessary. Share what you wish because it will be good for the relationship, not out of a desire to expiate your guilt.
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People use the expression “marrying into the family.” It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage. But ultimately you are contemplating marrying an individual. You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. If you have an issue with a member of someone’s family, that is generally not an automatic reason to reject dating someone.
Having this challenging person in your spouses’ family may complicate matters somewhat, but it should not be a primary consideration. A prospective date should be judged on his or her own merit, and not shrunk down to the size of his or her most unappealing relative.
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You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging and should be addressed and brought under control before entering into a marriage. Anger, or more accurately rage, is one such tendency that is highly destructive. Someone who has an anger management issue, whereby they can lose control of themselves when they get angry, risks great damage to their spouse and children, and could put their marriage in real jeopardy.
If you know that you are prone to explosive anger, make sure you learn how to manage it before it causes much harm. Please don’t play it down and say that “it’s just how it is, some people get angry more easily than others.” Dealing with an anger issue is something to be done before marriage, to avoid what could become irreparable damage.
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- coming
People often insist that the reason that they give such prominence to the physical attractiveness of their date is because it is greatly important to them. The reason why they have turned down so many dates is because they were not the “look” they are searching for. Perhaps.
But what if there is something entirely different at play? What if, in truth, their emphasis on the physical attractiveness of the other person is a way to compensate for their own internal barriers? For example, some people find commitment enormously difficult, and they may hope that the other person’s good looks will provide the motivation to push past their difficulty. Without having any awareness at all, some people expect the ravishing beauty of their date to help them overcome the issues that affect them. Sadly, if that is the case, it won’t work. Whatever the other person’s level of attractiveness, your issues (if they exist) will not disappear.
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Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist in one person, but that is quite rare, and often brings its own problems.
It is usually wiser to choose which of those conflicting priorities is going to be given precedent and to let go of the less important one. It is conceivably possible to find someone who is highly ambitious and uniquely kind, and it could be fathomable that you could find someone who is highly religious and super-cool, but are these likely combinations?
Could it be that you are making an already complicated business of finding a marriage partner a whole lot more complicated?
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If you are lucky enough to meet someone truly compatible with you, and with whom you are likely to be able to form a happy and fulfilling marriage, do not be quick to walk away over relatively trivial things. Once you make the decision to put aside secondary wishes, you will realize that you can get over the disappointment.
There is simply no such thing as 100% compatibility, and we all are forced to let go of some preferences. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the other person that we genuinely forget that there are differences, but I assure you there are. You are not settling for second best when you don’t allow minor issues to sabotage a potentially great relationship.
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Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things. It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage and life. But ultimately, you are contemplating marrying an individual. Of course, the influence of the person’s family is a factor. Nonetheless, more important is the person’s own journey and identity.
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. Marrying into a warm and supportive family is certainly a plus, and this may be something important to you. Certainly, you may want to avoid a family with a high level of toxicity. For sure, don’t make a shidduch decision based on a family member you don’t get along with. A prospective date should be judged for the most part on their own merit, and not shrunk down to the size of their most unappealing relative.
Having benefit from warm and stable parenting is a major factor in a person’s emotional wellbeing as an adult. However, that is often difficult to find out about. When a person has lived through a high level of family dysfunction – such as addiction, anger, divorce, etc. – this can result in emotional harm, and it is worth understanding how those experiences have affected the person, and whether you are able to handle the effects it may have had.
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What is attachment? Many of us are inclined to form adult relationships that are what psychologists call “poorly attached,” which could cause us to experience difficulties in dating.
For example, you may find that there is always something that prevents you from reaching the commitment stage. Repeatedly you find that something impossible to ignore is bothering you, and you feel utterly unable to contemplate marriage. The idea of proposing or accepting a proposal for marriage fills you with dread. What is really going on is that you have an “avoidant attachment orientation,” which makes the prospect of a lifelong commitment seem a terrifying thought.
Some people may have an “anxious attachment orientation,” which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in contact with their love-interest, want to know exactly where they are all the time, and react poorly when their date displays their independence. Sadly, this controlling behavior can push away the very person you are so desperate to keep close.
If properly understood, these issues can usually be readily overcome, but you are best off getting the appropriate guidance and support.
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For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the dating can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you are willing and able to apply the necessary time, energy, and clear mind to the project. It is not advisable to start the shidduch process if, for example, you are committed to being a head counsellor in three weeks, as there is too great a risk that things will be left hanging.
Making this most important decision of your life is not best done under pressure. If you are in the middle of a shidduch, and you find you are unable to reach a decision by a particular deadline, it is best to put things on hold and resume when you are again able to give dating your full attention.
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A person does not have to be perfect to date, but a person does need to be in a fit mental state. Developing and maintaining a relationship requires the person to be able to focus on and prioritize the relationship and the person they seek to be in a relationship with. Someone struggling with any real addiction, whether to alcohol, gambling or any substance or practice, needs to get on top of this issue before dating should begin.
Likewise, someone who has a personality disorder, such as narcissism, obsessive-compulsive, or borderline personality, needs to get treatment to be in a position to pursue marriage. If someone has a mental illness, such as clinical depression, generalized anxiety, or bipolar they can in most cases successfully get back to a state of mental health. This is essential prior to dating, so that they can successfully pursue a relationship.
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It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population. If a person seeks several qualities at a level that is above average for that particular feature, the number of people per, say, one thousand will be vanishingly small. For example, the number of people in a frum community who are six foot tall, highly attractive, and work as a professional, is small.
If you were to add additional specific requirements, it may become like searching for a needle in a haystack. Then consider that the other person has to want to be with you. That is why it is important that people focus on those qualities that are genuinely important to them and those qualities that contribute significantly to a successful marriage. If you are looking for someone who is statistically very rare, you are most likely going to find the process difficult.
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If you are fortunate to have astute friends or family members, welcome their suggestions for possible dates. Shadchanim may be professional matchmakers, but there is nothing to beat getting a tip from someone who knows you and cares about you. Always query “what makes you think this is a good idea?”, but listen to the response with respect and attentiveness.
Someone who has got to know both parties, is in the best possible position to sense whether it could be a good fit. The problem is that so often we struggle to take our friends and family seriously, giving more credence to the view of strangers. When it comes to dating, that would be a big mistake.
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Some people play games with getting back to people. If you get back to them too soon, it is said, you are coming off as too desperate. This is ridiculous. Be courteous and let your date know your intentions in a timely manner. Don’t treat this as a power play, competing for who can come off as more aloof and indifferent. Okay, you don’t want to act desperate, but nor do you need to deliberately play shtick.
Be natural and real. If you had a nice date and you like the person, there is no point in “playing it all cool” hoping that will get the other person more interested. Maybe that works for a date, but, in the end, it is a charade. In the end, decency and mentchlichkeit will do a great deal more for your prospects of success.
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It is understandable that many people are not keen of putting a picture in their profile. But if you are going to include a picture, it needs to be appropriate. A poor-quality picture, or one that was taken years ago, or one in which you are not dressed to impress, is worse than no picture at all. We have seen profile pictures of guys wearing a t-shirt or with head in hands, or pictures of girls that are blurry or with her wearing a dress that makes then look like a teen. Get a professional photograph that conveys the impression you are hoping to give.
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The purpose of the profile is to help a prospective date form a view as to someone’s suitability. It is therefore confusing why so many profiles are so generic and say so little that is unique about the person. Writing about yourself is truly difficult, and many people just have no idea how to do it. So, sit down with someone who may be able to help you to formulate a few sentences that offer some inkling of insight into who you are and what makes you the person you are.
Likewise, invest the time to form a clear description of the person you would like to date, based on whatever clarity you possess at that time. Say enough that someone can understand to a reasonable degree what kind of person could work for you.
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No one should be judged for their preferences in a marriage partner. At the same time, it is a mistake to fixate on one factor in place of looking at the person as a whole. All of us marry people who are imperfect. Perhaps we fall in-love and become blinded to those imperfections, but for sure they exist.
Illness – whether physical or mental – should be an important consideration when considering suitability for marriage, along with many other factors. They are not inherently more or less of a reason against dating or marriage than any other issue. It would depend on the severity of the problem, along with all the other features of the person.
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Appearance is a big draw for many people, so is intelligence, income, profession – and, for some reason, a sense of humor. By all means factor these into your decision about a marriage partner. But never forget that those features are not what will determine the success of your marriage.
Above all else, character is the defining determinant. You should aim for someone emotionally stable, with an agreeable personality, and who is conscientious and hard working. Such a person will contribute greatly to a stable and happy home with stable and happy children.
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It is not uncommon for people to give unsolicited advice, and it is not unusual for people to give opinions about matters they have little expertise – but it does seem that when it comes to dating this reaches a whole new level. Whatever people’s motivation for expressing a view, they are often not helping at all.
Most people’s advice is no more useful that stopping a random person at the mall. Ignore the opinions of people who lack genuine insight, regardless of how insistent they are. Focus instead on the input from people who are perceptive and mature, and who are likely to be objective and considered. Sadly, family members often to not fit this bill.
Dating can get complicated. Most people would benefit from guidance. Few of us are so well equipped with wisdom and experience that we can proceed through the entire dating process without the benefit of guidance and support.
Maybe she is on the quiet side, and you are trying to figure out how to bring her out of her shell. Perhaps he comes across as fixed in his view, and you need to determine whether his personality is too rigid for you. Alternatively, it could be that there is somewhat of an age gap, and you need to decide whether this is a problem for you. You may be concerned that the dating is stagnating, and need to decide whether to take a break, end the dating, or continue going. The list goes on…
These are important decisions that could have a major impact on your life, so you want to get things right. It is not advisable to try to go it alone. Better, look for someone who can give you sound advice and useful feedback. Choose a person who you believe understands you and whose judgment and opinions you truly trust. Seek their counsel, and take what they say seriously. That is more useful than shopping around for opinions. Of course, keep your own mind; the ultimate decision is yours.
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- From Whom to Take Guidance
Dating can take two strangers who just recently had never even heard of each other, to become inseparable. Two people who have never met now want to spend the rest of their lives together.
This does not happen in one leap. The dating pair go through several stages in the process, even if the time duration can be quite short. Each stage involves different skills and can be faced with different issues. Those are usually skills and issues that the people involved have never been faced with in any other area of their lives.
It could be hugely beneficial to understand the stages in the process and to be clear on the tasks and goals associated with each stage. You can then make a conscious effort to improve your skills in areas where you may be weak. If you would like to understand the dating process better, read the article below in full.
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Our instincts are amazing things that allow us to distill highly complex calculations into simple perceptions that allow us to make choices. However, sometimes our instincts are incredibly unreliable. There are times when we would imagine something to be bad for us when it is actually good for us – and vice versa. When it comes to dating, this is an all-too-common problem.
Our intuition is capable of leading us astray for years, and we still don’t think to question it. So, if you are not seeing things work out as you imagined, it is time to question your instincts. Is what you think you like really what you need? Is your manner of approaching your dating really helping you? Your instincts are important, but they can often be misguided.
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The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea.
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We would not be addressing this question were it not for the fact that (in our view at least) this is a matter of some doubt. We have discussed elsewhere whether opposites attract, and in general the answer is no. However, that is not the same as saying that opposites cannot get along. Extreme introverts and extreme extroverts would make a strange coupling, and would be inadvisable.
Still, when one of the couple is more introverted or extroverted than the other, that is usually a good thing. So long as the gap is not too large, it is typically an advantage when the personalities of the couple complement each other, rather than being simply a mirror-image of each other. Each personality type comes with different strengths, which together make for a better combination, so long as the couple act as a team.
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One of the great clichés in relation to dating is that “opposites attract.” Is it true? Mostly not. But while opposites may not attract, many types of differences are not necessarily a big deal. While Some people put great emphasis on finding someone with personal qualities similar to their own, in many cases there is no real benefit in a couple being similar. Similarity is most important when it comes to values, where the greater the convergence the better.
Otherwise, compatibility is more relevant – where each member in the relationship contributes complementary qualities. Think right shoe and left shoe make a pair. When it comes to personality in particular it is a strength to be in a marriage with someone who complements their own. A quiet person would be better not marrying someone who is also very quiet, and vice versa.
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Taking a break during dating is often a cop out and will not achieve anything. Most doubts or uncertainties regarding your dating partner are best resolved through interacting with your date or by getting sage advice from those in the know.
However, there are unique situations when a break would be helpful. The first is what we term a Feelings Break, when you find there is strong compatibility but you feel that you don’t have a sufficient emotional connection. A break may allow you to see whether there is a flicker of connection upon which to build. The second we call a Thinking Break, when you have strong feelings towards your dating partner but are facing a major decision and feel that it should not be clouded by the growing emotional bond. If a break is warranted, it must be broached with the utmost sensitivity and maturity.
All people who are approaching dating with a healthy mindset should be willing to focus on the important things and not make a big deal out of trivialities. So, this holds true also for someone who feels under pressure. However, no person should forgo their highest and most valued priorities because they or someone else thinks “it is time to get hitched.”
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Working well with a shadchan is key to success. It begins with establishing a good working relationship, including finding one that suits you, and learning how they operate. The partnership’s success will be greatly enhanced if you provide the shadchan with the tools to help you, especially clear information about yourself and what you are looking for. Finally, responding to suggestions from the shadchan in a communicative manner will prove enormously helpful, from clarifying the basis for the suggestion, to agreeing on a timeline for research, to handling a suggestion refusal.
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It is difficult to assess compatibility in the absence of criteria. Having a clear list of priorities against which to measure suitability will help you make your decision with confidence. You may not know what you really need in a life-partner until you actually spend time dating process.
Your dating experiences will teach you a great deal about what really works for you, so do not be afraid to consciously adjust your list based on hard-won experience. Update your list of needs in accordance with what you have learned about yourself and the qualities you have discovered you need in a spouse.
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If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable for you to be apprehensive. Health is a very important issue. However, it is only one of many important issues married couples have to deal with.
There are three sets of questions that you should ask to help you decide whether someone’s health condition should be an obstacle to dating and marriage:
1) What is the condition? Medical conditions come in all different shapes and sizes. It is important that you educate yourself about the facts, and not jump to conclusions. Some conditions can demand a high level of support, or may be genetic, or may affect fertility – but most will not be that big a deal. Take advice and find out the facts.
2) How are they handling it? People vary greatly in how they deal with their challenges. Many people adopt a true “can-do attitude” and are exceedingly resilient and tough. Exactly the kind of inner strength that we all seek to have in a spouse.
3) What about the person overall? The things that usually never change are the person’s character, middos, and intelligence. Take note of all the qualities of the person.
Take a holistic view of the person. Remember, this is a whole person; not a diagnosis.
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Most shidduchim are set up with the assistance and advocacy of the young adult’s parents (or another older family member). The young man or woman is dependent on their parents to find them a potential match, which makes communication between them vitally important.
Parents have to recognize that the young adult expects their views to be taken seriously, and will likely not respond well to pressure or manipulation. The parent should make the effort to understand and recognize their child’s perspective.
The young adult would do well to acknowledge the greater life experience of their parents, while respectfully asserting their own viewpoint. Above all, it is essential that parent and child are on the same page in terms of the qualities being sought in a shidduch. An open and respectful conversation is the best way to achieve that.
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- Parent and child getting on the same page regarding shidduchim
It is about the math. As soon as a person is looking for a quality or feature that is above-average – in other words, less common – there are fewer such people in the population. If a person seeks several qualities at a level that is above average for that particular feature, the number of people per, say, one thousand will be vanishingly small. For example, the number of people in a frum community who are six foot tall, highly attractive, and work as a professional, is small.
If you were to add additional specific requirements, it may become like searching for a needle in a haystack. Then consider that the other person has to want to be with you. That is why it is important that people focus on those qualities that are genuinely important to them and those qualities that contribute significantly to a successful marriage. If you are looking for someone who is statistically very rare, you are most likely going to find the process difficult.
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Why should anyone feel the need to do so? There are two divergent reasons, which are the basis for the two distinct types of double dating.
There are people who are eager to get married. There are quite a number of reasons why someone may consider that double dating would be a good idea. This kind of double dating involves the person consciously pursuing dating on parallel tracks to increase their odds of a successful outcome.
Then there is a second type of double dating when a person is seriously dating someone but is unsure whether this is “the one.” So dating someone else may help to clarify whether this person is really suitable. This second type of double dating was not pre-planned intentionally but is a response to a predicament.
The problem is that double dating goes contrary to the essence of what you are trying to do, which is why it generally does not work. The core of dating is commencing a process through which you become increasingly absorbed in a single person.
For the dating process to achieve its purpose it must transition from a continual focus on your own interest to a growing attachment to the other person. This kind of emotional bonding is only possible with one person.
Dating two people increases the chance of failure with both people – completely the opposite of what this double dating plan was supposed to achieve.
There are several other considerations. Please read the full article for more insight into this topic.
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The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will also be affected. There are two main effects of bullying: insecurity and unconfidence. Both impact dating.
When someone is insecure and lacking self-confidence, they keep their guard up; they are defensive and afraid to be vulnerable. They are afraid to trust others. This holds them back from sharing about themselves and building a relationship. They often lack the courage to make big steps, like getting into a relationship.
If your fears and anxieties are coming from events in your past, you must do everything possible to not let that harm your present and destroy your future.
If you see that you are struggling, it is important that you get input from someone with an understanding of effective dating. You may benefit from guidance from a dating coach or a wise shadchan.
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Most of us have plenty of reasons to complain. Life can be stressful, people let us down regularly, and on most days, something is likely to go wrong. Please remember, however, that you are not going on a date to unburden all your troubles. Mention what is going on in your life by all means, but don’t whine about it.
You are going to come across as much more appealing if you can muster a positive disposition. Most people are looking for a life-partner who will uplift them and make them happy. Accentuate the positive and don’t put too much focus on the negative. Your dates will be better and your chances of success will improve.
What is said during a date stays in the date. Relationships are all about trust, so never break your trust by divulging what was said to you on a date. That person trusted to you to open up about themselves, and they had every expectation that you would treat everything as strictly confidential.
What will become of dating if no one can any longer have confidence that what they divulge will be maintained in sacred secrecy? It is absolutely inappropriate to blurt out private information to friends and acquaintances. It could not only hurt the one you are dating, but it has the potential to backfire on you too.
Some people are mighty curious and are prone to enquire about other people. This can happen on a date, when you get asked about previous dating experiences or relationships (perhaps you were engaged or married previously).
It is strongly recommended that you studiously avoid discussing past dates or relationships. You will be tempted to say negative things to make your current date feel better about themselves, dragging you into a bad place. Or you will say something positive and this will not always be well-received.
Your date may seem to want to know, but they most likely cannot handle it. If your date asks you whether you dated a particular person or about something a previous date had said, you should politely avoid talking about it.
Dating is all about figuring things out. It is therefore understandable that you may have moments of clarity and confusion, certainty and doubt, connection and dislocation. You may feel one way on the first date and a different way on the second date. You are entitled to the full array of emotions. However, be conscious that you are not dating yourself!
Someone else is being subjected to those ups and downs, and for them it can be highly debilitating. Try not to be careless in the messages you broadcast to your date. Do your best to communicate what is going on in your head in a considered and considerate manner.
It has been said that, “Once is luck, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.” If you have difficulties when dating one or two people, there is no reason to think much about it. Most people don’t marry the first person they date. Perhaps it is disappointing, but move on and you’ll be fine. However, if you have several disappointing experiences, it is time to ask “why?” The chances are there is a reason.
Without knowing the reason, you just have to hope you are more fortunate next time. That is like gambling. Instead, make a point of getting help to figure it out. There is probably a reason for your troubles, and knowing what it is will allow you to make appropriate adjustments and gain success.
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If you are dating for marriage, stay clear about what you are trying to achieve. You are not trying to have a pleasant night out or make a close friend. However much you like her or him, don’t get drawn into it if you don’t see the marriage potential. Treat dating as a means to an end; if the end is not in sight, stop wasting both of your time.
Focus on whatever helps you to reach your decision, not on having a great time. And don’t get physical – that’s not what you are there for. If you are going to be this person, you have a whole life for that. For now, stick with the program.
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Strength of character is not about how loud or quiet a person is. We would not be saying this were it not for the fact that this is often misunderstood. It is not uncommon for someone with a strong personality to feel that a quieter, softer type of person is “not their equal”. In many cases, they form this view because they undervalue the inner strength the person possesses.
It is a major error of judgment to imagine that true strength of character can be measured based on how boisterous or outwardly dynamic a person is. If you have an extroverted personality, you may do well with someone with a lower signature on the radar – if only you were able to appreciate what that kind of person really is.
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You don’t go on a date with the intention of saying as little as possible. This is not a meeting with the IRS. You need to get to know the person you’re dating, and vice versa. This is not going to happen if you are both cagey and secretive. On the other hand, you are under no obligation, and have nothing to gain, by blurting out every imperfection you have or every indiscretion you have committed.
Be honest about who you are, what views you hold, and your goals in life. You don’t need to talk about that time you got drunk or how you fight a lot with your sister. The later you are in the dating process, the more open you should be. With each date, you should feel ready to share more – so disclosure is also about timing.
During dating you should feel relaxed and be yourself. Just let it flow. The problem is that often we get stuck. We run out of things to say or cannot think of what to do. This could create a mild state of panic, and lead to a downward spiral. It is therefore best to come prepared with talking points, places to go, or activities to do.
If you are extra shy or find communication difficult, you should invest the time to work out how you will explain key things. Otherwise, you may get tongue-tied and become anxious. Better to have a list of questions or topics in your pocket in case you need than risk finding yourself staring at your date realizing you have no clue.
In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and spend a really nice evening getting to know them. what’s not to like? This, sadly, is not how it feels for many people. Perhaps they find opening up to a new person difficult, maybe they are not a strong conversationalist, or could it be they feel a whole lot of pressure? There are so many reasons why many people find dating a challenge and struggle with the process.
Be careful before you judge the prospective life-partner by the how much you are enjoying the dating. for many people, dating is a “necessary evil” that must be endured to get to a lasting relationship. There is no need to valorize the process, which is only a means to an end.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in contact with their love-interest, want to know exactly where they are all the time, and react poorly when their date displays their independence.
While it may seem that they are behaving this way because of their loving nature, in reality, it is because they have an underlying nervousness about relationships, spurred on by an unconscious fear of abandonment. Sadly, this controlling behavior can push away the very person you are so desperate to keep close. If you have this tendency, you need to make a strong effort to stay cool and not smother your date.
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Some people have a sense of humor that is self-deprecating. Other just have a habit of identifying fault in themselves. Funny or not, it is mostly a very bad idea. Being honest about one’s strengths and weakness is absolutely fine, but putting oneself down is most certainly not. Are you the kind of person who regularly says “I’m such an idiot,” or “I’m just not very good at most things”?
If so, make a conscious effort to cut it out on dates. The other person does not want to keep hearing you saying unflattering things about yourself. Even if you are trying to be funny, best not overdo it on dates.
Some people are more sociable, and they find it difficult not to interact with their surroundings. Still, recognize that when you are on a date it is all about one person. It is not appropriate for you to engage with the waiter, the old friend you bumped into, or some random person walking by. As the dating progresses, it becomes less of an issue. But even then, make sure to include your date. When dating, you should never hold a conversation that your date is not a part of.
Sound too obvious to be said, right? One would like to think so. It is difficult to comprehend, but despite the obvious importance we attach to dating, some of us cannot seem to motivate ourselves to dress to suit the occasion. If you are not convinced of your own dress-sense, make sure to get input from someone who understands these things.
It is not just not showing up in scuffed shoes or a wrinkled shirt, it is also about style of dress. Casual dress is usually a bad idea, whether a man or a woman – especially on the earlier dates. Hair and make-up and should be chosen with thought (too much detail to go into here). Accessories – especially eye glasses – can be a big turn-off, so make sure they are suitable.
The person you are dating expressed a view or preference that you find instinctively strange. Your instinctive reaction is, “you’ve gotta be kidding.” You may rush to demolish the view or to dismiss that preference. What if instead you kept an open mind and chose to be curious: “It is interesting that you say that; what makes you feel that way?”
You may be surprised to learn a new perspective you had not considered. The person you are dating may reveal a medical struggle that they have, and you may instantly assume this is a major problem. What if that was a rush to judgement and the person has learned to handle their issue very effectively?
You are dating to make the most difficult and important decision of your life; you could do with having all your faculties working properly. In which way will alcohol help you make a better decision? If you feel you need a little something to relax your nerves, perhaps there is some point.
But beyond that alcohol is not a useful ingredient in the dating process. After a couple of drinks, people often say and do things that they never intended and which contradict their own values. And if you are driving, for goodness’ sake don’t put your date’s life at risk by drinking under the influence.
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It is amazing that this even needs to be said. When you are on a date, you have just entered the “holy of holies.” Show some respect. Unless there is a serious emergency brewing (in which case, it could be argued to leave dating until the crisis in under control), your phone and other electronic devices should be closed. Even if your date steps away to go to the restroom, it may still be best to use the time to reflect and not automatically reach for your phone.
Dating is as much about perception as it is about reality. People with a strong personality can unintentionally leave too little space for the person they are dating to express themselves, especially if that person is naturally a quieter person. It is possible for one’s dominant character to come across as overbearing, even when the person has no interest in actually being that way.
You may think quickly and have a lot to say, and the person you are dating may feel that they are not given time to process things or express themselves. Someone with a softer personality may be equally intelligent, resilient, and communicative, but does so in a different style that actually may complement your own. Make an effort to give the person the time to articulate their thoughts, and make an extra effort to listen and not interrupt.
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For a variety of reasons, people may feel pressure to form a relationship and get married. It may be demands from the family, personal loneliness, or the person getting older. This may push us into ignoring our own wishes and needs just to find someone to settle down with. That is not the way to go about it.
All people who are approaching dating with a healthy mindset should be willing to focus on the important things and not make a big deal out of trivialities. So, this holds true also for someone who feels under pressure. However, no person should forgo their highest and most valued priorities because they or someone else thinks “it is time to get hitched.”
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Some people find that whomever they date, they invariably find themselves dissatisfied. Nothing seems to work for them. Usually, people who struggle in this way think they are being entirely reasonable and are entirely unaware there could be a problem in how they view things. A common cause is that the person has “a divided self,” in which they have quite irreconcilable “parts” of their character that want and need different things and are pulling in opposing directions. The person’s divergent instincts are never going to agree on who would be a suitable marriage partner, given their dramatically different expectations.
This can easily result in dating paralysis. Whoever you date, one part of you will be deeply unhappy. Finding someone who will satisfy both sides of your character is nearly impossible, given your internal conflict. This has nothing to do with mental illness, but the impact on dating can be significant all the same. For people like this, deciding to marry someone can be a truly traumatic experience. It is not something that you are likely to achieve without proper advice and support.
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It is normal that even successful dating will be accompanied by some degree of disappointment, as it is almost impossible to find someone who is 100% what you prefer. However, some people are affected by what we call “The Rollercoaster syndrome,” which makes this a much more extreme process. Such people begin the dating by building up their date as “perfect” and “amazing,” and this excitement remains at implausible levels for a few dates. Inevitably, reality kicks in and it becomes clear that, like everyone else, your date has imperfections. Instead of the normal adjustment most people make, our rollercoaster type feels crushed and defeated. If this describes you, it is important that you adopt more proportionate reactions, and it would be best for you to take advice before bailing out. For many people, dating will involve a degree of coping with disappointment. It is important that you understand yourself well, and react appropriately.
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Psychological problems can cause enormous difficulties in a relationship, but there is also excessive fear and confusion around the issue.
Just because someone is diagnosed with a mental disorder does not mean they can’t be in a normal, happy and very functional relationship. You may miss a chance to be with an amazing person in an amazing relationship because of the stigma of mental illness.
Here are the most important points to take into consideration:
- Always view mental health issues in the context of the overall person. Remember that there is a whole person here who may have many wonderful virtues.
- Not all psychological issues are a “medical illness.” They are in the normal range of life challenges, and are no different to any other character flaws which we all possess. Become educated about the specific condition and level of severity.
- Know yourself and what you are able to handle. People who are naturally more flexible and adaptable will much better handle the ups and downs of mental health issues.
- People who have taken full ownership of a mental illness – even a serious one – and who have undertaken full treatment to address its effects are able to successfully enter a relationship (only then should they contemplate dating).
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Some people experience rejection not merely as a (sometimes bitter) disappointment, but a very personal attack on their value as a human being. Rejection often feels worse than it usually is. Knowing this could help keep things in perspective.
Recognize that most people experience rejection. Knowing that does not make it less painful, but it can stop you from going crazy. While self-acceptance is vital here, it is important that it does not begin a negative cycle.
Rejection has a depressive impact, dissipating our motivation for life. While understandable, it is essential that your reaction is the exact reverse. Make a point of being around positive people and connect with those you love.
Be careful not to become cynical. It is both untrue and unhelpful to adopt the attitude that all guys/girls are impossible to please, or that you are just terrible at dating. Give yourself enough time to recover and then be positive. A sunny disposition is definitely an advantage for dating.
While self-blame is unhelpful, that is not to say that there is nothing to learn from the experience. Take stock; try to understand what might be going on. Also, create for yourself a strong support system, and occupy yourself with positive things.
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Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
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Personal is not the same thing as private. This is not just semantics; they are two different types of questions. A private question addresses matters which are private. A personal question elicits an answer that is unique to that person.
Asking questions that pry into private matters – on a first date is just too soon.
What does a personal question look like? In addition to asking, “What do you do?” and leading into “so what does a [teacher/ lawyer/ entrepreneur] do?”, ask “That’s so interesting, how’d you get into that?” You are opening the conversation to talk about themselves.
Not just “How was your weekend?”; also ask, “What was the best part of your weekend?”
it is important that you put some thought into the kinds of questions and answers you would like to use during the conversation. Don’t be afraid to write a list of great “personal” questions and make an effort to prepare yourself to give fulfilling answers to such questions put to you. You will both have a much more enjoyable and productive conversation.
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Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such a character, and that is fine too. While objectively selflessness is a moral virtue, no one has every virtue and everyone is still capable of having a normal relationship.
However, some people have a tendency towards narcissism. This is where someone’s own needs push out all consideration for the needs of others. Often they crave approval and attention, and struggle greatly to accept criticism. Such people can struggle to participate in a healthy relationship.
Being married to such a person is difficult, though not impossible. If someone is a full narcissist, they are suffering from a serious mental illness. That means that unless they receive intensive treatment they will be manipulative at best and evil at worst. If your date is showing signs of significant selfishness, you need to take the time to learn the signs of a narcissistic tendency.
When two people in a marriage are living by significantly different codes of observance, this has the makings of frustration and conflict. Regardless of how much you like the person you are dating, if you are both planning to maintain meaningfully different levels of frumkeit, you are setting yourselves up for serious issues down the line.
However, it matters greatly the “what” and the “who.”
What – There is a huge difference between major religious differences and minor ones. While “major” and “minor” are relative terms, it is still often possible for someone to thoughtfully consider whether the specific issue of difference is something that should rightfully be considered “major.” An issue may also be judged as major or minor depending on the extent to which it affects the other party.
It is important to remember that any normal marriage will involve compromise. A degree of give-and-take in a marriage is completely normal and necessary. So, being able to come to agreement on smaller issues is a pretty important skill to develop for marriage.
Who – People vary in how flexible they are. Some people are ready and willing to adjust their ideas and behavior, while others find that prospect mildly traumatic.
So, know yourself. If you are the kind of person who is comfortable accepting change, you should be able to agree about minor issues.
On the other hand, if you struggle to compromise and cannot find a way to bridge the gap you need to think very carefully whether this is going to work, even if you feel very warmly towards your date.
Family often brings out a lot of passion in people. They are the people we love most, but also the people who have the capacity to hurt us the most. People may not realize how they feel about their family until they start speaking about them. We can be surprised by the strength of resentments that have built up inside of us. There is no reason to paint an overly glossy image of your family to impress a date. They are focused mainly on you, not your family.
Nor, however, should you vent all your sensitivities about your family. Be conscious of how you speak about family members, as this topic can sometimes stir deep emotion and could lead you to express yourself in when that would not be in your best interest.
Dating doesn’t have to be all serious. If you have a fun personality, let it show. Have a good time, and let your date have a good time. But don’t act the clown. Don’t do dumb things. Play it reasonably safe. You may think you know the person, but you don’t know how they will react to every antic. If you are serious about this person, don’t risk it by acting stupid. Dress respectably.
Dating is not the ideal setting for trying out your most questionable fashion purchases. Don’t consume alcohol, and if you do drink, stay sober. Don’t play pranks and don’t make a scene. Dating is not the occasion to see how far you can push boundaries. Dating is not an endurance test to assess how much you can get away with.
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A good number of people could struggle with the very first dates. They tend to be those who are less adept at social interaction and find the early process of getting to know someone rather difficult.
Where the problem is most challenging is for people who are not the most articulate or strong communicators. During the early stages, there is less of a relationship, and the importance of sharing information is at a premium. People who struggle with this artform may find the first couple of dates difficult.
Date one is there to answer one very simple question: Am I interested? Would I want to see this person again? Both parties are trying to work out whether they feel comfortable; whether the initial encounter was a pleasant experience.
The second (and perhaps third) date too has one aim: Am I compatible with this person? Do I have enough in common? The focus is on sharing specific information on the usual range of topics to see if there is sufficient agreement and synergy.
With this in mind, it is not hard to see why a particular kind of communication is critical during these first few dates. Read the full article for lots of helpful advice.
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Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such a character, and that is fine too. While objectively selflessness is a moral virtue, no one has every virtue and everyone is still capable of having a normal relationship.
However, some people have a tendency towards narcissism. This is where someone’s own needs push out all consideration for the needs of others. Often they crave approval and attention, and struggle greatly to accept criticism. Such people can struggle to participate in a healthy relationship.
Being married to such a person is difficult, though not impossible. If someone is a full narcissist, they are suffering from a serious mental illness. That means that unless they receive intensive treatment they will be manipulative at best and evil at worst. If your date is showing signs of significant selfishness, you need to take the time to learn the signs of a narcissistic tendency.
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The five most important traits affecting relationships are:
Emotional stability/Low neuroticism – Agitation, anger, irritation, hostility, touchiness, defensiveness
Agreeableness – Degree of niceness and friendliness
Conscientiousness – Making an effort for the relationship, having determination and not being fickle
Openness – Willingness to share, to listen, to be generous
Extroversion – How outgoing and loud a person is, how fun-loving and exciting
Traits are broadly stable. This means that even if people try to hide them, they will show over time.
The first three are the main ones. For those three, it is about finding someone – if possible – who is high on the positive side. While all extremes are bad, finding someone high on at least two of the first three is a real plus.
The last two are more about what to avoid. It is best to not end up with someone extremely high on closeness or extroversion, but there is no advantage in finding someone extremely low either.
The main point is that if you find someone who scores decently across these five dimensions, then you have the makings of a successful marriage. If such a person comes your way, don’t be quick to look for reasons to let the opportunity pass you by.
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This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful.
This can happen to anyone, as there will always be someone superior in one or more dimensions to the person we are dating.
The good news is that for the vast majority of people, these are fleeting thoughts and pass into the wind in short order. We recognize that no one is perfect and that it is unrealistic to so easily lose heart in a relationship.
If you are struggling with this, it is important that you think clearly and understand the math. The person you saw in the store or on the street is irrelevant. If you had your chances all over, the likelihood is that you would find that you are not compatible and have little in common.
You would be giving up on someone with whom you have a 90% chance of a successful and happy marriage to pursue an interest in someone with whom you most likely have no more than a 5% chance of the same – maybe lower. The numbers just do not add up. You are just playing roulette with your life.
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Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating. In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and spend a really nice evening getting to know them. What’s not to like? This, sadly, is not how it feels for many people. Perhaps they find opening up to a new person difficult. Maybe they are not a strong conversationalist? Or, could it be that they feel a whole lot of pressure?
There are so many reasons why many people find dating a challenge and struggle with the process. Be careful before you judge the prospective life-partner by how much you are enjoying the dating. For many people, dating is a “necessary evil” that must be endured to get to a lasting relationship. There is no need to valorize the process, which is only a means to an end.
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If you are clear that this shidduch is not going to work out, it is best to bring it to a close without delay. Going on another few dates, or even keeping the other person on a date for another couple of hours “in order to be nice” is inappropriate.
If you have only met a few times, it is okay to deliver the message via a messenger. But if you have met a good number of times, it is appropriate to handle it yourself. Someone has taken the risk of opening up to you; there is a duty of care on your part to lessen the impact by going about this with sensitivity.
It is generally nicer if you give a reason for your decision. This allows the other person to learn something from the experience, and it avoids them drawing unfounded conclusions. It is best to keep your remarks brief. Stick to what you planned to say, and be careful not to get drawn into saying anything you may later regret.
Assure the other person that you will maintain their privacy. Convey your respect and appreciation, and sincerely wish them the best for the future. Do not leave the situation open-ended. Don’t say something that gives the false impression that you may revisit it.
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Wishful thinking is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. When we generally like someone, we try to convince ourselves that there is a way that all those aspects that we don’t like will just magically disappear. The unfortunate reality is that people don’t change very easily.
The only fair assumption when dating is that the person most likely will not change. Either accept what it is, or move on. If you are offended by her politics or are struggling with his weight, see whether you can let go of your reservations because of your overall positive feelings towards the person. If you cannot, stop dreaming that you can get this to change, because it probably won’t.
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Some people are more passive, while others are more proactive. Some people are inclined to take more control of a situation, and other people are quite happy to follow. There is nothing wrong with either disposition. However, there are limits to this – and those are as important as anything could possibly be. When aggression is involved, it is a big no-no.
What does aggression mean? When your needs and wishes are being trampled upon. When you are expected to fall into line even when you don’t want to and doing so is not in your best interest.
If the person you are dating shows signs of thinking they have a right to dictate what you wear, where you will work, or how much contact you may have with your own family – take notice, as it could be the sign of something worrying.
People with an extreme controlling tendency will often get stubborn and/or angry when things don’t go their way.
While it may feel good to have someone take care of everything for you, it will soon become less attractive if that means you are being crushed.
Don’t ignore signs of overly controlling behavior, as its impact on marital stability is enormous. (See article for red flags of controlling behavior)
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After a less than successful first date, many people are encouraged to go on a second date “just to be sure.” Is this a sensible suggestion? It really depends on why the first date did not go well. If you found you had nothing in common, or are looking for different things out of life, then there is no point pursuing this match.
If, however, you have much in common, but your dating experience was poor, it is worth considering whether this might be different on a second date. Your date may have had a bad night’s sleep, be dealing with some drama in their lives, or may just have been super-nervous about the first date. It is not uncommon for people to find a second date to be much better than the first. Treat your date how you would want to be treated.
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You may return from a date with your head spinning? He said he didn’t like his job, is that an issue? She said she doesn’t get along with her mother, should I be concerned? The way he spoke about his time in Yeshiva left me with an uncomfortable feeling; is that anything to go by? Her frequent switching of employment leaves me rather uneasy; should I let this bother me? It is very common to have concerns about something that came up on a date.
You need to understand something that may seem contradictory. On one hand, trust your gut; listen to your instincts. If something feels wrong, don’t brush it aside. On the other hand, don’t just accept it either; it is entirely possible that you have a misunderstanding. Speak it through with someone wise, and figure things out carefully.
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Some people tend towards selflessness. Others are naturally more selfish; the needs of others are less important to them. Some may not warm to such a character, and that is fine too. While objectively selflessness is a moral virtue, no one has every virtue and everyone is still capable of having a normal relationship.
However, some people have a tendency towards narcissism. This is where someone’s own needs push out all consideration for the needs of others. Often they crave approval and attention, and struggle greatly to accept criticism. Such people can struggle to participate in a healthy relationship. Being married to such a person is difficult, though not impossible.
However, if someone is a full narcissist, they are suffering from a serious mental illness. That means that unless they receive intensive treatment they will be manipulative at best and evil at worst. If your date is showing signs of significant selfishness, you need to take the time to learn the signs of a narcissistic tendency.
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If you need to disclose sensitive information, it is important that you handle the process in a way that will cause the least damage. While each situation is clearly different, there are some common principles. It is advisable to give off a realistic portrayal of life from the outset and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening.
Don’t try to portray your life as perfect in order to mitigate the imperfection. That will only exaggerate the impact of the eventual revelation. You can provide the context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue. Adopt a wholesome mindset towards yourself and any imperfections you may have.
You need to know that you have much to offer in a relationship and that you are not defined by your greatest weakness. You do not need to project an image of perfection to be regarded as a valuable and desirable person. Frame your challenges in a positive light. Triumph over adversity is a characteristic that many will admire and appreciate
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The victim of bullying may find dating more difficult, and the one dating them will also be affected. There are two main effects of bullying: insecurity and unconfidence. Both impact dating.
When someone is insecure and lacking self-confidence, they keep their guard up; they are defensive and afraid to be vulnerable. They are afraid to trust others. This holds them back from sharing about themselves and building a relationship. They often lack the courage to make big steps, like getting into a relationship.
If your fears and anxieties are coming from events in your past, you must do everything possible to not let that harm your present and destroy your future.
If you see that you are struggling, it is important that you get input from someone with an understanding of effective dating. You may benefit from guidance from a dating coach or a wise shadchan.
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Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they hold on extra tight to the person they are attached to. They are likely to want to constantly be in contact with their love-interest, want to know exactly where they are all the time, and react poorly when their date displays their independence.
While it may seem that they are behaving this way because of their loving nature, in reality it is because they have an underlying nervousness about relationships, spurred on by an unconscious fear of abandonment. Sadly, this controlling behavior can push away the very person you are so desperate to keep close. If you have this tendency, you need to make a strong effort to stay cool and not smother your date.
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Some people are great with dating until things turn serious. Once it becomes clear that things could go all the way with this person, a range of anxieties can kick in. Some people have a terrible fear of commitment, whilst others become obsessive once they feel attached to a person, and the list goes on. If this is happening to you, be aware that there could be a reason that you are not conscious of.
Before you rush to question the relationship, consider whether this is not the product of an internal struggle that is all to do with you and nothing to do with them. The reason your excitement is not building up may be because you are with the wrong person, but it may just as well be because of your own inner resistances.
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Ideally, you meet someone who is a great fit, you connect well with them, and are excited to have found someone with whom you can have a wonderful life. I wish this on everyone. However, a significant portion of people will find that whoever they meet, it is a struggle. This could be for some many different reasons, including a whole range of internal issues that may be getting in the way.
Some people have more complex personalities, and there will always be some aspect of their character that does not fit easily. You need to understand that this is not uncommon, and if this applies to you that is the reality. You need to live with it and deal with it. It is entirely your issue, and walking away from yet another date because it is not going easy will not solve anything.
You are dating someone you get along with great. You feel great affection towards him; but despite numerous dates, you do not seem to be able to work up any kind of real passion for him. The situation is highly frustrating for you because you would love to feel differently about him and the emotions are just not happening.
In order to develop feelings of love you need to feel comfortable with the other person and let your guard down, so you can slip into a romantic state. But, if your mind is working on doubts you have about marrying this person, you are going to find it hard to let go and allow yourself to develop loving feelings.
If you are still questioning whether you really like this person, or if you are torturing yourself over something you cannot seem to get out of your head, it is much more difficult to develop those warm emotions. Your doubts are what is causing you not to feel love. And then the fact that you do not feel love is feeding into your doubts. Your heart is pushing you forward (because you really like him), but your mind is pushing you back (because you are still thinking it through).
You, therefore, need to go through the issues you have one by one and see if they really are deal-breakers. If they are not, you have to be willing to let them all go and start to “get in the moment.”
You cannot change the effect, namely not being in love, but you can change the cause, which is holding onto your issues. It may not be easy, but it is doable.
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Make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation.
Marriage is true long-term deal, so it is vital that your decision is based on the factors that will greatly add to your chances of a long and happy union. Your guiding principles in how you make this decision matter greatly. That is why you need to make sure that what you have is (the beginnings of) real love, not infatuation.
Does it make sense in your head? Then let your heart follow. A relationship based on love is likely to stand the test of time; one based on infatuation won’t last. Love comes from shared values and a common vision, along with a meaningful knowledge of and connection with another. Infatuation is based on heady chemistry, excitement about all the attention, and physical attraction.
Love and infatuation can feel very similar. In both cases, you are drawn to and excited about being with another person. But they are vastly different. With love, you care deeply about the other person, while with infatuation it is all about how the other person makes you feel.
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Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance instead of our inner worth. It is worth remembering that “men will be men,” and so long as it is not extreme it is not necessarily a problem, depending on what you are looking for.
Whether he can engage in meaningful conversation may be the more important question. If he is almost entirely interested in your appearance, then something seems wrong. If he is dismissive about your views or goals, that is a clear red flag.
It would be ironic, however, for someone to complain about excessive interest in her appearance whilst herself dressing in a manner that seems designed to draw excessive attention to that very aspect.
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This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful.
This can happen to anyone, as there will always be someone superior in one or more dimensions to the person we are dating.
The good news is that for the vast majority of people, these are fleeting thoughts and pass into the wind in short order. We recognize that no one is perfect and that it is unrealistic to so easily lose heart in a relationship.
If you are struggling with this, it is important that you think clearly and understand the math. The person you saw in the store or on the street is irrelevant. If you had your chances all over, the likelihood is that you would find that you are not compatible and have little in common.
You would be giving up on someone with whom you have a 90% chance of a successful and happy marriage to pursue an interest in someone with whom you most likely have no more than a 5% chance of the same – maybe lower. The numbers just do not add up. You are just playing roulette with your life.
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Some people don’t fall in love, rather they grow in love. And so, their dating experience and path to marriage is different from most. They won’t be getting those butterflies or heady feelings that many get. Still, they can ‘know’ that this person is a great marriage partner.
You may think of the bonding of a couple as glue in a glue bottle. The process of getting to know the person and increasingly finding more in common, or that is compatible, results in the glue bottle in the brain bursting open. And then the two of them stick to each other. This stickiness has the effect even if there are certain reservations, or they see some faults in the other person. The gluing effect means that they find it hard to separate, and in fact find themselves increasingly bonding.
For some people, their ‘glue bottle’ is not designed to burst open; they won’t have those loving feelings – at first. Those feelings will come as a reaction to being fully in the relationship. They do not fall in love; rather, they grow in love.
Good news, people in this group do get married – successfully. If what is set out here in anyway describes you, speak to someone who can help you get around this obstacle.
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The person you are dating says: “I still do not know how I feel about the relationship, but I really like you and want to keep going and see where it takes us”? How do you respond at this point?
Some things to consider: Where in the dating process is this request coming; has overall compatibility been established? What do they say they need clarity on? Is the relationship progressing or stagnating? What will you do during this time to help get the clarity that is needed?
Set a goal and a timeframe. Not an ultimatum. Don’t pressure.
Sometimes, people get stuck. It is worthwhile to get professional support in making a decision.
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Dating is mostly about ensuring there is a great deal of agreement: about values, life goals, mutual interest, and so on. But there does not need to be universal agreement. It is perfectly okay, and more than likely, for a dating couple to discover that they have differences of opinion on various issues.
It is not the end of the world if they have to argue it out. Marriage is rarely without disagreement, and the key is how to resolve differences of opinion. Dating is the arena for testing out your ability to discuss divergences and assess whether the two of you are equipped to handle those differences in an amicable manner.
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It is a wonderful quality to be tolerant and accepting of others, but when it comes to dating this has its limits. As much as you might like the other person, don’t try to excuse the inexcusable. If she behaves in an extremely selfish manner, don’t imagine this won’t happen in the marriage. If he is clearly a dishonest person, you should not explain that away. If she loses her temper at you, you have been duly warned. If he is overly controlling, acting as if he is entitled to dictate your choices, understand that this is cause for concern.
It has long been said that people don’t easily change and the advice has been given for generations not to marry someone with the intention of changing them. This is true. If their behavior is unacceptable now, it is likely to be unacceptable later. There are many potential red flags, and each is quite different from the other. Here are some of the articles on red flag issues.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist in one person, but that is quite rare, and often brings its own problems.
It is usually wiser to choose which of those conflicting priorities is going to be given precedent and to let go of the less important one. It is conceivably possible to find someone who is highly ambitious and uniquely kind, and it could be fathomable that you could find someone who is highly religious and super-cool, but are these likely combinations?
Could it be that you are making an already complicated business of finding a marriage partner a whole lot more complicated?
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Taking a break during dating is often a cop out and will not achieve anything. Most doubts or uncertainties regarding your dating partner are best resolved through interacting with your date or by getting sage advice from those in the know.
However, there are unique situations when a break would be helpful. The first is what we term a Feelings Break, when you find there is strong compatibility but you feel that you don’t have a sufficient emotional connection. A break may allow you to see whether there is a flicker of connection upon which to build. The second we call a Thinking Break, when you have strong feelings towards your dating partner but are facing a major decision and feel that it should not be clouded by the growing emotional bond. If a break is warranted, it must be broached with the utmost sensitivity and maturity.
All people who are approaching dating with a healthy mindset should be willing to focus on the important things and not make a big deal out of trivialities. So, this holds true also for someone who feels under pressure. However, no person should forgo their highest and most valued priorities because they or someone else thinks “it is time to get hitched.”
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Some people see dating as looking to see if there is full agreement between the parties. The minute they hit upon some area of disagreement, they feel disappointed. Instead of raising their concern with their dating partner, they express their frustration to their parents, shadchan, coach, etc. Unless the gap is felt to be truly unbridgeable, these are exactly the issues that should be discussed while on the date.
It is vital that you bring up your concerns openly and honestly. Say that such-and-such bothers you. Perhaps you will get clarification. There could have been a legitimate misunderstanding. Perhaps your date will hear your point of view and agree with your stance. It could be a mistake or the product of bad advice.
Negotiation and compromise are not bad words. They will be your best friend in marriage, and you might as well befriend them during dating.
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Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance instead of our inner worth. It is worth remembering that “men will be men,” and so long as it is not extreme it is not necessarily a problem, depending on what you are looking for.
Whether he can engage in meaningful conversation may be the more important question. If he is almost entirely interested in your appearance, then something seems wrong. If he is dismissive about your views or goals, that is a clear red flag.
It would be ironic, however, for someone to complain about excessive interest in her appearance whilst herself dressing in a manner that seems designed to draw excessive attention to that very aspect.
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There are two types of anger issues – and they are worlds apart.
There are feisty people who are prone to raise their voices, get strongly animated, and occasionally get carried away. They may use overly forceful language to make their point, being unnecessarily argumentative, and refusing to back down from an argument.
Many people will find this behaviour deeply upsetting, and they should not contemplate a relationship with someone like this. If you can handle it, understand that this is not a true anger-management problem. Don’t rush to walk away from dating an otherwise great person.
However, sadly there is an abnormal type of anger problem: rage. People who rage pose an entirely different level of problem. People experiencing rage have lost all control. Rage is also difficult to contain and consumes everything. Rage often has no reason at all, and is thus utterly unreasonable.
Someone with a rage problem has a mental illness and needs professional help. They cannot and should not be in a relationship until they have sorted out their problem.
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If nothing else, dating is about honesty. There are several important reasons for this. The main element of dating is “mutual self-disclosure,” whereby each party progressively shares and reveals more about themselves.
Dating is also about being yourself and letting go, rather than anxiously screening everything you say. Marriage is based on trust, and hiding things from one’s spouse leads to an erosion of trust. Withholding significant information contradicts the basic assumption about marriage.
While every situation is unique, it is worth considering the “what” and the “when.”
You do not need to disclose every embarrassing thing that you ever did. If you feel inclined to do so, and you judge it appropriate, by all means share. But you are under no obligation to do so.
Conversely, you need to disclose major issues, such as significant financial, medical, or legal issues. You should address these issues in the context of how they are being addressed and resolved – but they should not be brushed under the carpet.
Some information is best put on the table from the outset. If this is a deal breaker, then it is best to know from the get-go. Other information is almost certainly best left until you have become closer.
The rule of thumb is that if there are really big issues, they should be disclosed as early as possible – perhaps before the dating even begins.
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Some people treat dating only or mostly as a game and seem resistant to developing a meaningful emotional connection and do not want to take the relationship in a serious direction. Often this is because of an ambivalent relationship orientation. They want closeness, but they are not ready to be tied down. So they treat dating like a game. You can tell a player by the very dramatic gap between their nice manner and their dismissive attitude towards the relationship.
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You may find that there always is something that prevents you from reaching the engagement stage. Repeatedly you find that something impossible to ignore is bothering you, and you feel utterly unable to contemplate marriage. The idea of proposing or accepting a proposal for marriage fill you with dread. Each time, it seems that this is because there genuinely is a problem, but, in reality, that is not the reason.
What is really going on is that you have an “avoidant attachment orientation”, which makes the prospect of a lifelong commitment seem a terrifying thought. This can induce such a high level of stress that the idea of marriage seems incomprehensible. If this is what is happening it is an illusion, and you need help getting passed it. Otherwise, you will be causing yourself and others a lot of unnecessary pain.
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Most people are looking for a special resonance between themselves and the person they choose to marry. They want to have that intangible sense that they have found “their other half.” What this is really about is a desire to reach a level of mutual acceptance and appreciation that is both thrilling and liberating.
Most people will have this experience. But, many people have particular complexities that prevent them – or certainly, make it a great deal harder – to fall headlong into loving bliss. They find they have to force themselves to get past the finishing line. They, too, typically wish for this “soulmate” experience, but it may not happen that way for them – or only partially.
If everything aligns on paper, be careful before you walk away. Often people abandon a date with truly great potential because they do not feel he or she is their soulmate. They do not understand that this is a direct result of their own psychological makeup.
For some people, “soulmate” means finding the one person who will fulfill all of their needs – a one-stop shop. In their perception, the person they marry has to be able to satisfy every yearning they have.
The reality is that very few people will succeed in marrying someone who can be their “everything.” Human needs are so diverse that it is not normally realistic to expect every need or desire to be met by a single individual – no matter how amazing and wonderful.
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Someone may be “stuck”. While they are dating someone they really like and get along with excellently, they are struggling with the idea of proposing because some things bother them.
It may seem obvious that it is out of the question to commit to marrying someone you still have doubts about. Would that not lead to constant misgivings? The problem is that often it is far from correct. The relationship may have compelling attributes that are far outweighed by the much smaller reservations – but you may be unable to see that.
Sometimes, you meet a person who strongly fulfills a profound need that you have that few others will fill. By contrast, the issues that are bothering you may be relatively marginal. It is important that those issues assume their appropriate dimensions. Priority needs to be given to being with someone who meets his core needs.
If you have other key priorities, you need to reduce the other issues to their correct proportion. If you have been dating for a while, and have learned the hard way that it is not easy to find someone who truly works for you, then you need to be focused on what really matters.
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This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful.
This can happen to anyone, as there will always be someone superior in one or more dimensions to the person we are dating.
The good news is that for the vast majority of people, these are fleeting thoughts and pass into the wind in short order. We recognize that no one is perfect and that it is unrealistic to so easily lose heart in a relationship.
If you are struggling with this, it is important that you think clearly and understand the math. The person you saw in the store or on the street is irrelevant. If you had your chances all over, the likelihood is that you would find that you are not compatible and have little in common.
You would be giving up on someone with whom you have a 90% chance of a successful and happy marriage to pursue an interest in someone with whom you most likely have no more than a 5% chance of the same – maybe lower. The numbers just do not add up. You are just playing roulette with your life.
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Are you fine dating until the point where the dating turns “serious?” As soon as you sense that you have crossed over into “commitment territory,” all kinds of issues come to the fore and not from the most positive perspective?
You most likely consider this rethinking and reevaluating completely understandable, as you have now got to know your date better. Some people develop an avoidant or fearful attachment orientation. While they crave closeness, they also struggle to handle it. Whether because of poor bonding as a child or some other reason, some people will have difficulty with bonding and attachment.
Instead of the thought of true closeness making them happy, it causes a state of panic generated by a visceral sense of self-protection. All the negative associations stored deep in the recesses of your brain will come to the fore and cause mayhem. When the avoidance takes over, in place of warm feelings towards your date, you become terrified by them. It is as you imagine your date as a growling tiger baring its teeth.
Familiarize yourself with the way it is experienced and the impact it has. Self-awareness is vital. Once you understand what is happening, you are in a position to make smart choices. Also, do not go it alone; you are going to be a whole lot better off having a trusted sounding board. It is also best to bring your date into what you are going through. Otherwise, the whole situation can be extremely confusing and hurtful.
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