PREPARE: Preparing for your Successful Marriage
You will find thought-provoking materials to help you gain greater clarity about what you want from life and from marriage, from choosing your priorities in a mate, to dealing with emotional baggage, to addressing sensitive issues like physical or mental illness.
I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If you have done things you should be ashamed of, not feeling guilt would be a bad thing. But if the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. This impedes the dating process and makes it harder for both parties. The good news is that it is much less frightening than it seems.
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging. Where it gets complicated is when people also want – or more likely need – other features in their spouse which do not necessarily go hand-in-glove with intellectual brilliance.
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about, and you’ll come across as an interesting person. Your dates will be more engaging and meaningful.
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Needless to say, this is a highly sensitive topic. We discuss how dating and pursuit of marriage is likely being impeded by an addiction to porn. The purpose here is to look at the ways that it complicates a person’s path towards forming a healthy relationship.
Finding out about a medical condition
If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable for you to be apprehensive. Health is a very important issue, but it is only one of many important issues. Take the time to understand the facts of the matter, which often show things in a different light. And remember to consider the whole person, and not reduce them to their area of difficulty.
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. At the same time, it is important to know what to try to understand about the family’s role on the person themselves. What type of parenting or family life did they have? How have they dealt with adversity in their upbringing? And, how important is a close connection to your spouse’s family?
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is focused on helping someone figure out what to do going forward. If you feel stuck in your dating, you might benefit from working with a coach. If you are struggling with a significant issue, you will benefit from working with a therapist.
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
A girls meets a guy and is super excited about his date. This excitement remains at implausible levels for a few dates… until cracks appear in the image of perfection.
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational analysis because they have conflicting or confused priorities. No one person can possibly meet those conflicting requirements.
I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. This impedes the dating process and
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about,
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Needless to say, this is a highly sensitive topic. We discuss how dating and pursuit
Finding out about a medical condition
If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
A girls meets a guy and is super excited about his date. This excitement remains
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational
I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married but who is questioning themselves. One possible element of the
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do in any other situation, so it is not surprising if
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging. Where it gets complicated
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a degree of compulsion. An addiction will interfere with your normal
First deal with your psychological problems.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological problems. If you come to a relationship with psychological problems, there is a significant probability that they will only get
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things. It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage and life. But ultimately, you are contemplating marrying an
Do you have trouble controlling your anger?
You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging and should be addressed and brought under control before entering into a marriage. Anger, or more accurately rage, is one
Do I need therapy?
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are not going so well. You have dated a decent number of people, and not only have you not met ultimate
Conflicting and confused priorities.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist
Best not to date if you are unable to give it the time and focus it deserves.
For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the dating can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you
I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at
First deal with your psychological problems.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things.
Do you have trouble controlling your anger?
You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging
Do I need therapy?
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are
Conflicting and confused priorities.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person –
Best not to date if you are unable to give it the time and focus it deserves.
For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you
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I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If you have done things you should be ashamed of, not feeling guilt would be a bad thing. But if the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. This impedes the dating process and makes it harder for both parties. The good news is that it is much less frightening than it seems.
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging. Where it gets complicated is when people also want – or more likely need – other features in their spouse which do not necessarily go hand-in-glove with intellectual brilliance.
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about, and you’ll come across as an interesting person. Your dates will be more engaging and meaningful.
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Needless to say, this is a highly sensitive topic. We discuss how dating and pursuit of marriage is likely being impeded by an addiction to porn. The purpose here is to look at the ways that it complicates a person’s path towards forming a healthy relationship.
Finding out about a medical condition
If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable for you to be apprehensive. Health is a very important issue, but it is only one of many important issues. Take the time to understand the facts of the matter, which often show things in a different light. And remember to consider the whole person, and not reduce them to their area of difficulty.
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. At the same time, it is important to know what to try to understand about the family’s role on the person themselves. What type of parenting or family life did they have? How have they dealt with adversity in their upbringing? And, how important is a close connection to your spouse’s family?
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is focused on helping someone figure out what to do going forward. If you feel stuck in your dating, you might benefit from working with a coach. If you are struggling with a significant issue, you will benefit from working with a therapist.
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
A girls meets a guy and is super excited about his date. This excitement remains at implausible levels for a few dates… until cracks appear in the image of perfection.
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational analysis because they have conflicting or confused priorities. No one person can possibly meet those conflicting requirements.
I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. This impedes the dating process and
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to
How to be more interesting.
When you have an interesting life, you will have so much more to speak about,
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Needless to say, this is a highly sensitive topic. We discuss how dating and pursuit
Finding out about a medical condition
If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
A girls meets a guy and is super excited about his date. This excitement remains
Conflicting and confused priorities.
There are occasions when people have aspirations or expectations do not hold up to rational
I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We are addressing someone who assumes and plans to get married but who is questioning themselves. One possible element of the
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to someone relatively quickly is not something we have to do in any other situation, so it is not surprising if
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to respect the person and take them seriously. They find the conversation is more stimulating and engaging. Where it gets complicated
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at ‘addiction’ to porn, which means that the person feels a degree of compulsion. An addiction will interfere with your normal
First deal with your psychological problems.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological problems. If you come to a relationship with psychological problems, there is a significant probability that they will only get
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things. It is true that family is an important aspect of marriage and life. But ultimately, you are contemplating marrying an
Do you have trouble controlling your anger?
You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging and should be addressed and brought under control before entering into a marriage. Anger, or more accurately rage, is one
Do I need therapy?
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are not going so well. You have dated a decent number of people, and not only have you not met ultimate
Conflicting and confused priorities.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist
Best not to date if you are unable to give it the time and focus it deserves.
For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the dating can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you
I feel attraction to my own gender, can I get married?
If someone is asking this question, they are quite obviously facing a massive dilemma. We
I am painfully quiet and find dating worrying and challenging.
Dating can leave some people feeling nervous, anxious, and worried. Remember that opening up to
I am attracted to smart people, is that a problem?
Many people find something exhilarating about dating someone particularly smart. They find it easier to
How addiction to pornography could be affecting your dating.
Clearly, there are halachic, spiritual and psychological issues with pornography. Here we are looking at
First deal with your psychological problems.
Marriage is the solution for many things, but it is not the solution to psychological
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
Put very simply, family matters a lot, but not as much as some other things.
Do you have trouble controlling your anger?
You don’t have to be perfect to be married, but some behaviors are particularly damaging
Do I need therapy?
You are single and have been trying to get married for a while. Things are
Conflicting and confused priorities.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person –
Best not to date if you are unable to give it the time and focus it deserves.
For a date to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you
NAVIGATE: Navigating the Shidduch Process
We cover all things shadchan-related, as well as how to network broadly for dating suggestions. You will find here strategies and tips on conducting research, interacting with parents and mentors, preparing your shidduch profile, and how to cope with the difficult feelings of disappointment or rejection – and numerous other topics as well.
If you are getting ‘no’ often.
If you keep getting turned down, it is vital that you stop and ask “why?” Here are a range of factors to consider, whether the rejection is during the research phase, after the first date, or whether it is after several dates. Reflect deeply, request feedback, seek advice.
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. At the same time, it is important to know what to try to understand about the family’s role on the person themselves. What type of parenting or family life did they have? How have they dealt with adversity in their upbringing? And, how important is a close connection to your spouse’s family?
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
A girls meets a guy and is super excited about his date. This excitement remains at implausible levels for a few dates… until cracks appear in the image of perfection.
Best not to date if you are unable to give it the time and focus it deserves
For a dating to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you are over-tired, exhausted, or distracted, the date can fall flat. If possible, it is best to begin dating when you are willing and able to apply the necessary time, energy, and clear mind to the project.
A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea.
If you are getting ‘no’ often.
If you keep getting turned down, it is vital that you stop and ask “why?”
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should
Coping with disappointment in dating: The Rollercoaster syndrome.
A girls meets a guy and is super excited about his date. This excitement remains
Best not to date if you are unable to give it the time and focus it deserves
For a dating to go well, you need to be present and focused. If you
A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are
Is it true that opposites attract?
One of the great clichés in relation to dating is that “opposites attract.” Is it true? Mostly not. But while opposites may not attract, many types of differences are not necessarily a big deal. While
From whom to take guidance.
Dating can get complicated. Most people would benefit from guidance. Few of us are so well equipped with wisdom and experience that we can proceed through the entire dating process without the benefit of guidance
Finding out about a medical condition.
If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable for you to be apprehensive. Health is a very important issue. However, it is only one of many important issues
Ensure your profile picture brings out your best.
It is understandable that many people are not keen of putting a picture in their profile. But if you are going to include a picture, it needs to be appropriate. A poor-quality picture, or one
Don’t undervalue a good date recommendation.
If you are fortunate to have astute friends or family members, welcome their suggestions for possible dates. Shadchanim may be professional matchmakers, but there is nothing to beat getting a tip from someone who knows
Don’t over-rely on your instincts.
Our instincts are amazing things that allow us to distill highly complex calculations into simple perceptions that allow us to make choices. However, sometimes our instincts are incredibly unreliable. There are times when we would
Communicate back in a timely manner.
Some people play games with getting back to people. If you get back to them too soon, it is said, you are coming off as too desperate. This is ridiculous. Be courteous and let your
Can introverts & extroverts marry each other?
We would not be addressing this question were it not for the fact that (in our view at least) this is a matter of some doubt. We have discussed elsewhere whether opposites attract, and in
Is it true that opposites attract?
One of the great clichés in relation to dating is that “opposites attract.” Is it
From whom to take guidance.
Dating can get complicated. Most people would benefit from guidance. Few of us are so
Finding out about a medical condition.
If you are told that a potential shidduch has a medical condition, it is reasonable
Ensure your profile picture brings out your best.
It is understandable that many people are not keen of putting a picture in their
Don’t undervalue a good date recommendation.
If you are fortunate to have astute friends or family members, welcome their suggestions for
Don’t over-rely on your instincts.
Our instincts are amazing things that allow us to distill highly complex calculations into simple
Communicate back in a timely manner.
Some people play games with getting back to people. If you get back to them
Can introverts & extroverts marry each other?
We would not be addressing this question were it not for the fact that (in
TOOLS: Tools and Mindsets for Effective Dating
This ‘Tools’ section of the website covers a range of tips and ideas to generate good conversations, from listening and questioning skills. It offers great perspectives on the practice of dating, from dating etiquette to being presentable on a date, from understanding your own and your date’s personality, to recognizing when and how to seek outside assistance.
Conversation on first dates
The first half-hour of the first date(s) is all about loosening up, breaking any tension and just … getting through it. Keep things lighthearted, natural and quite general. Ask light questions with the intent to find something in common. When you are starting a conversation, not all topics will catch on right away. When something seems to catch both of your attention, hover on that topic and dive deeper.
First dates are not all about chit-chatting about random topics. The goal of the first dates is to get a sense of who the other person is. You both should be sharing bits about yourself in areas that are not that private.
Before committing to marriage – for women
When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only with your heart. Before committing to marriage, THINK about these aspects of your relationship. And substantiate with examples and anecdotes.
Before committing to marriage – for men
When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only with your heart. Before committing to marriage, THINK about these aspects of your relationship. And substantiate with examples and anecdotes.
Am I supposed to be concerned about this?
Your intuition should be taken seriously and listened to, but only insofar as it urges you to take a careful look at the issue. Not as the arbiter of what is right.
“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still possible and necessary to nurture it. How? By saying and doing those things that trigger the same kinds of reactions that for most people happen naturally. Make it your business to ensure that your date feels better about herself for having spent some time in your company. This is especially true for people who are struggling to build connection.
Conversation on first dates
The first half-hour of the first date(s) is all about loosening up, breaking
Before committing to marriage – for women
When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only
Before committing to marriage – for men
When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only
Am I supposed to be concerned about this?
Your intuition should be taken seriously and listened to, but only insofar as it
“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection.
Do you have an “avoidance issue”?
You may find that there always is something that prevents you from reaching the engagement stage. Repeatedly you find that something impossible to ignore is bothering you, and you feel utterly unable to contemplate marriage.
Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to
Conflicting and confused priorities.
Without realizing it, some people are actually looking for opposites in a single person – which may explain why things are not going so well. It is not impossible for those differing traits to exist
Are you afraid of getting close?
Are you fine dating until the point where the dating turns “serious?” As soon as you sense that you have crossed over into “commitment territory,” all kinds of issues come to the fore and not
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied.
Some people find that whomever they date, they invariably find themselves dissatisfied. Nothing seems to work for them. Usually, people who struggle in this way think they are being entirely reasonable and are entirely unaware
A date can be both difficult and successful – there is no inherent contradiction.
Ideally, you meet someone who is a great fit, you connect well with them, and are excited to have found someone with whom you can have a wonderful life. I wish this on everyone. However,
“I like the person I am dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to
“I like the person I’m dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to
Make an effort to look the part.
Sound too obvious to be said, right? One would like to think so. It is
Know how to be honest to be on a date.
You don’t go on a date with the intention of saying as little as possible.
If things aren’t going well, stop and ask why.
It has been said that, “Once is luck, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.” If you
How being bullied affects dating.
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
How and why anxiety can get the better of you in dating.
Some people have what is known as an “anxious attachment orientation”, which means that they
Give exclusive attention to your date.
Some people are more sociable, and they find it difficult not to interact with their
Don’t underrate quiet strength
Strength of character is not about how loud or quiet a person is. We would
Don’t talk about other dating partners.
Some people are mighty curious and are prone to enquire about other people. This can
Don’t put yourself down.
Some people have a sense of humor that is self-deprecating. Other just have a habit
Do you really need the alcohol?
You are dating to make the most difficult and important decision of your life; you
ACQUAINT: Getting to Know Each Other
This “Acquaint” section of the website focuses on getting to know one another. The purpose of the first few dates is to see if there is a suitable level of compatibility. But what aspects need to be compatible, and how do you best find that out?
Read about whether to trust your instinct, what to reveal during the first dates, how to handle surprising information, how to spot red flags, how to understand personality types, and what you may choose to do if the first dates didn’t go too well.
It’s OK to ask personal questions on a first date.
Personal is not the same thing as private.
This might just be semantics, but they are two different types of questions. A private question addresses matters which are private. A personal question elicits an answer that is unique to that person.
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from the outset, and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening. You can provide context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue.
He talks endlessly about himself on the date. Should I be concerned?
Talking about himself a lot is not necessarily a sign of arrogance, or a problem. More important is how he thinks of, and treats, others.
First date didn’t go so well, is it recommended that I have a second date?
Is a second date always sensible? It depends. If you found you had nothing in common, or are looking for different things out of life, then there is no point pursuing this match. If, however, you have much in common, but your dating experience was poor, it is worth considering whether this might be different on a second date.
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
The purpose of dating is not to confirm automatic full agreement on every topic. There is no reason to feel disappointed the minute there is some area of disagreement. Unless the gap is felt to be truly unbridgeable, these are exactly the issues that should be discussed while on the date in an open and honest manner. Negotiation and compromise are not bad words. They will be your best friend in marriage, and you might as well befriend them during dating.
Do I have to tell my date problematic things I have done in the past?
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If you have done things you should be ashamed of, not feeling guilt would be a bad thing. But if the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
Conversation on first dates
The first half-hour of the first date(s) is all about loosening up, breaking any tension and just … getting through it. Keep things lighthearted, natural and quite general. Ask light questions with the intent to find something in common. When you are starting a conversation, not all topics will catch on right away. When something seems to catch both of your attention, hover on that topic and dive deeper.
First dates are not all about chit-chatting about random topics. The goal of the first dates is to get a sense of who the other person is. You both should be sharing bits about yourself in areas that are not that private.
Be wary of judging the shidduch by how much you enjoy the date
It is important not to confuse the goal and process of dating. Dating is a means to an end. Hopefully is runs smoothly and is a highly enjoyable experience. But not everyone will find dating easy.
It is vital that you don’t judge the prospective life-partner by how much you are enjoying the dating, but rather my how suitable and compatible you are for each other.
Are you frightened by the difference of opinion?
In a marriage, there will be a healthy exchange of views and even differences of opinion. The unanimity of everything is no great sign of a perfect relationship. Dating is in a sense a mini-marriage, so getting a sense of how you can resolve differences is an important step in the transition towards true couplehood.
The person has a psychological illness – should I consider it?
The question of whether to consider dating or marrying someone who has a psychological problem
The Five Fundamentals – The factors most important to look for in a spouse.
When dating, it is so important to put most of your focus on “the fundamentals,”
Should I take a break?
There are unique situations when a break would be helpful. The first is what we
Recognizing narcissistic tendencies.
A central feature of marriage is the ability and willingness to give and share. Some
Recognizing controlling tendencies.
Controlling behavior is when one person expects, compels, or requires others to cater to their own
He talks endlessly about himself on the date. Should I be concerned?
Talking about himself a lot is not necessarily a sign of arrogance, or a problem. More important is how he thinks of, and treats, others.
First date didn’t go so well, is it recommended that I have a second date?
After a less than successful first date, many people are encouraged to go on a second date “just to be sure.” Is this a sensible suggestion? It really depends on why the first date did
End a Shidduch with dignity.
If you are clear that this shidduch is not going to work out, it is best to bring it to a close without delay. Going on another few dates, or even keeping the other person
Be wary of judging the shidduch by how much you enjoy the date.
Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating. In theory, dating is this exhilarating experience. We get to meet a lovely person and spend a really nice evening getting to know them. What’s not
Am I supposed to be concerned about this?
You may return from a date with your head spinning? He said he didn’t like his job, is that an issue? She said she doesn’t get along with her mother, should I be concerned? The
Accept that people don’t fundamentally change.
Wishful thinking is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. When we generally like someone, we try to convince ourselves that there is a way that all those aspects that we don’t like
“I like the person I am dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
He talks endlessly about himself on the date. Should I be concerned?
Talking about himself a lot is not necessarily a sign of arrogance, or a problem.
First date didn’t go so well, is it recommended that I have a second date?
After a less than successful first date, many people are encouraged to go on a
End a Shidduch with dignity.
If you are clear that this shidduch is not going to work out, it is
Be wary of judging the shidduch by how much you enjoy the date.
Many people don’t – and won’t – enjoy dating. In theory, dating is this exhilarating
Am I supposed to be concerned about this?
You may return from a date with your head spinning? He said he didn’t like
Accept that people don’t fundamentally change.
Wishful thinking is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. When we generally
“I like the person I am dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made
“I can’t help who I am attracted to”
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What
BOND: Deepening the Relationship
In this “Bond” section, you will find lots of ideas and questions to help you develop the connection, as well as materials on how you can tell whether the person you are dating is likely to be your suitable spouse and life-partner.
We address a multitude of topics, from what to do if something is bothering you about your date, whether you are settling for second best, what to do if you are not developing emotional feelings – and so much more.
End a shidduch with dignity.
You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know quite a bit about each other. And then you determine that this person is not for you, and you want to end the relationship. Remember, this is a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.
Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?
Dating begins as a selfish act, whereby a single person is seeking their own happiness. If it is to culminate in a lasting commitment it must result in a selfless love of another. For dating to have succeeded, we need to go from “me” to “we.” That is some journey to go on.
Some people get stuck along the way. If you find that you consistently get stuck along the way, it is worthwhile to ask yourself “Maybe it is me?” and not always assume there is something wrong with the other person.
Accept that people don’t fundamentally change.
Don’t marry someone with the hope that they will change. As much as you may wish it, people don’t easily change their attitudes and core beliefs. Rather, think: Would you marry the person as they are? If the answer is yes – but you would rather they change this thing about themselves – then you have nothing to lose. If the answer is no, then this is not a compatible match for you.
“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still possible and necessary to nurture it. How? By saying and doing those things that trigger the same kinds of reactions that for most people happen naturally. Make it your business to ensure that your date feels better about herself for having spent some time in your company. This is especially true for people who are struggling to build connection.
“I feel all he is interested in are my looks.”
If he is very interested in your appearance, but he is also deeply engaged in other ways, then take it as a compliment. If then is only into your looks, then …
“I like the person I am dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
Sometimes, a man sees a woman that he finds particularly attractive and cannot help himself comparing her more favorably to the woman he is dating or is married to. It is important that he take a broader view and recognize that it is highly unlikely that it can become a successful marriage.
End a shidduch with dignity.
You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know
Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?
Dating begins as a selfish act, whereby a single person is seeking their own happiness.
Accept that people don’t fundamentally change.
Don’t marry someone with the hope that they will change. As much as you may
“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection.
“I feel all he is interested in are my looks.”
If he is very interested in your appearance, but he is also deeply engaged in
“I like the person I am dating, but I find other people much prettier/smarter.”
Sometimes, a man sees a woman that he finds particularly attractive and cannot help himself
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
Some people see dating as looking to see if there is full agreement between the parties. The minute they hit upon some area of disagreement, they feel disappointed. Instead of raising their concern with their
Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to
Do I have to tell my date problematic things I have done in the past?
If nothing else, dating is about honesty. There are several important reasons for this. The main element of dating is “mutual self-disclosure,” whereby each party progressively shares and reveals more about themselves. Dating is also
Difference is not the end of the world.
Dating is mostly about ensuring there is a great deal of agreement: about values, life goals, mutual interest, and so on. But there does not need to be universal agreement. It is perfectly okay, and
Beware of red flags.
It is a wonderful quality to be tolerant and accepting of others, but when it comes to dating this has its limits. As much as you might like the other person, don’t try to excuse
A date can be both difficult and successful – there is no inherent contradiction.
Ideally, you meet someone who is a great fit, you connect well with them, and are excited to have found someone with whom you can have a wonderful life. I wish this on everyone. However,
“I feel all he is interested in are my looks”.
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance instead of our inner worth. It is worth remembering that
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
Some people see dating as looking to see if there is full agreement between the
Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made
Do I have to tell my date problematic things I have done in the past?
If nothing else, dating is about honesty. There are several important reasons for this. The
Difference is not the end of the world.
Dating is mostly about ensuring there is a great deal of agreement: about values, life
Beware of red flags.
It is a wonderful quality to be tolerant and accepting of others, but when it
A date can be both difficult and successful – there is no inherent contradiction.
Ideally, you meet someone who is a great fit, you connect well with them, and
“I feel all he is interested in are my looks”.
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened
COMMIT: Committing to Marriage
In this “Commit” section, we have lots of really helpful materials to see you through the final phase of dating, from what you need to know and discuss before making a final decision, to how to deal with remaining niggling doubt, to how best to propose.
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