BOND: Deepening the Relationship

The second, and typically longest, phase of dating is about deepening the connection, creating the opportunity for the relationship to develop.

In this “Bond” section, you will find lots of ideas and questions to help you develop the connection, as well as materials on how you can tell whether the person you are dating is likely to be your suitable spouse and life-partner.

We address a multitude of topics, from what to do if something is bothering you about your date, whether you are settling for second best, what to do if you are not developing emotional feelings – and so much more.

End a shidduch with dignity.

You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know quite a bit about each other. And then you determine that this person is not for you, and you want to end the relationship. Remember, this is a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.

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Do you get stuck in the transition from “me” to “we”?

Dating begins as a selfish act, whereby a single person is seeking their own happiness. If it is to culminate in a lasting commitment it must result in a selfless love of another. For dating to have succeeded, we need to go from “me” to “we.” That is some journey to go on.

Some people get stuck along the way. If you find that you consistently get stuck along the way, it is worthwhile to ask yourself “Maybe it is me?” and not always assume there is something wrong with the other person.

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Accept that people don’t fundamentally change.

Don’t marry someone with the hope that they will change. As much as you may wish it, people don’t easily change their attitudes and core beliefs. Rather, think: Would you marry the person as they are? If the answer is yes – but you would rather they change this thing about themselves – then you have nothing to lose. If the answer is no, then this is not a compatible match for you.

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“I’m Not Feeling It”: How to build Connection

One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still possible and necessary to nurture it. How? By saying and doing those things that trigger the same kinds of reactions that for most people happen naturally. Make it your business to ensure that your date feels better about herself for having spent some time in your company. This is especially true for people who are struggling to build connection.

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