Sometimes, a man sees a woman that he finds particularly attractive and cannot help himself comparing her more favorably to the woman he is dating or is married to. It is important that he take a broader view and recognize that it is highly unlikely that it can become a successful marriage.
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to anyone, as there will always be someone superior in one or more dimensions to the person we are dating. The good news is that for the vast majority of people, these are fleeting thoughts and pass into the wind in short order. We recognize that no one is perfect and that it is unrealistic to so easily lose heart in a relationship. If you are struggling with this, it is important that you think clearly and understand the math. The person you saw in the store or on the street is irrelevant. If you had your chances all over, the likelihood is that you would find that you are not compatible and have little in common. You would be giving up on someone with whom you have a 90% chance of a successful and happy marriage to pursue an interest in someone with whom you most likely have no more than a 5% chance of the same – maybe lower. The numbers just do not
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
Attraction is a very personal thing. Clearly, there needs to be an attraction between two people for a shidduch to work out.
At the same time, attraction needs to be put in perspective of the marriage and lifelong compatibility. In the actual marriage, other factors are most likely going to play a much greater role. Shared values, empathy, generosity, stability all are elements that are crucial for successful marriage.
Play here Some people may think they are attracted to only a certain look and won’t even consider dating someone who doesn’t have those features. They rationalize their perspective by saying that they can’t control who they find attractive, and why waste both people’s time by meeting. At first glance, that may seem reasonable. But actually, it is a misconception. A basic premise of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is that distorted perception that gives way to unhelpful emotions which lead to rather unsatisfactory results. Benny* has been wanting to get married for an extended period – but only to someone with a specific look. Yet, marriage is elusive. An insistence on only dating people with a specific type of appearance ceases to be a rational position once it is clearly not working. (*This applies to both genders.) It is worthwhile to question the thoughts that are not getting him to his desired results of marriage. This may not be what he wants to hear, he doesn’t want to let go of the vision he has had for so long. Too often, people don’t attribute their struggles to the proper cause; sadly, ignoring the reality doesn’t make the issue
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing. Experiencing guilt and shame means identifying what psychologists call an “internal locus of control,” namely that while we do not control all our circumstances, we have agency over the important choices in our lives. Shame and guilt are therefore profoundly empowering. They are an affirmation that we are not powerless about what decisions we make or what happens to us. We accept responsibility, because we believe we are largely in control of our destinies. Accepting responsibility also allows us to decide that on a new path going forward. Only people who believe themselves to be powerless about past actions have reason to be insecure about their choices going forward. It may feel cathartic to reveal all one’s past misdeeds to one’s romantic partner, but this is sometimes harmful and unnecessary. Share what you wish because it will be good for the relationship, not out of a desire to expiate your guilt.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing. Experiencing guilt and shame means identifying what psychologists call an “internal locus of control,” namely that while we do not control all our circumstances, we have agency over the important choices in our lives. Shame and guilt are therefore profoundly empowering. They are an affirmation that we are not powerless about what decisions we make or what happens to us. We accept responsibility, because we believe we are largely in control of our destinies. Accepting responsibility also allows us to decide that on a new path going forward. Only people who believe themselves to be powerless about past actions have reason to be insecure about their choices going forward. It may feel cathartic to reveal all one’s past misdeeds to one’s romantic partner, but this is sometimes harmful and unnecessary. Share what you wish because it will be good for the relationship, not out of a desire to expiate your guilt. That was just in
If he is very interested in your appearance, but he is also deeply engaged in other ways, then take it as a compliment. If then is only into your looks, then …
Even if we consider ourselves good-looking and are proud of our appearance, we feel cheapened when other people are overly focused on our external appearance instead of our inner worth. It is worth remembering that “men will be men,” and so long as it is not extreme it is not necessarily a problem, depending on what you are looking for. Whether he can engage in meaningful conversation may be the more important question. If he is almost entirely interested in your appearance, then something seems wrong. If he is dismissive about your views or goals, that is a clear red flag. It would be ironic, however, for someone to complain about excessive interest in her appearance whilst herself dressing in a manner that seems designed to draw excessive attention to that very aspect. That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things… “I feel all he is interested in are my looks”
This bothers her and plants seeds of doubt in her mind about whether she made the right choice. Being confronted by jarring feelings of self-doubt can be quite debilitating and painful. This can happen to anyone, as there will always be someone superior in one or more dimensions to the person we are dating. The good news is that for the vast majority of people, these are fleeting thoughts and pass into the wind in short order. We recognize that no one is perfect and that it is unrealistic to so easily lose heart in a relationship. If you are struggling with this, it is important that you think clearly and understand the math. The person you saw in the store or on the street is irrelevant. If you had your chances all over, the likelihood is that you would find that you are not compatible and have little in common. You would be giving up on someone with whom you have a 90% chance of a successful and happy marriage to pursue an interest in someone with whom you most likely have no more than a 5% chance of the same – maybe lower. The numbers just do not
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still possible and necessary to nurture it. How? By saying and doing those things that trigger the same kinds of reactions that for most people happen naturally. Make it your business to ensure that your date feels better about herself for having spent some time in your company. This is especially true for people who are struggling to build connection. Also, consider embracing more risk. Take a chance and be more open than you feel comfortable. Do things together that remove you from your familiar and comfortable spot. It activates parts of the brain that are associated with connection. Doing so is not going to make you comfortable. It’s not about you, but about the good of the relationship. Finally, be playful. Even if you are normally inclined to be quite serious, discover their inner child in order to develop a closer connection. Go some distance to lighten the mood. So, even if you are not the playful type and find playing games entirely unattractive, perhaps this is the one time you should do it anyway.
One of the key reasons people struggle with dating is: bonding, or building a connection. If connection doesn’t develop automatically and organically, it is still possible and necessary to nurture it. How? By saying and doing those things that trigger the same kinds of reactions that for most people happen naturally. Make it your business to ensure that your date feels better about herself for having spent some time in your company. This is especially true for people who are struggling to build connection.
Ideally, you meet someone who is a great fit, you connect well with them, and are excited to have found someone with whom you can have a wonderful life. I wish this on everyone. However, a significant portion of people will find that whoever they meet, it is a struggle. This could be for some many different reasons, including a whole range of internal issues that may be getting in the way. Some people have more complex personalities, and there will always be some aspect of their character that does not fit easily. You need to understand that this is not uncommon, and if this applies to you that is the reality. You need to live with it and deal with it. It is entirely your issue, and walking away from yet another date because it is not going easy will not solve anything.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea. That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things… A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea.
Wishful thinking is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. When we generally like someone, we try to convince ourselves that there is a way that all those aspects that we don’t like will just magically disappear. The unfortunate reality is that people don’t change very easily. The only fair assumption when dating is that the person most likely will not change. Either accept what it is, or move on. If you are offended by her politics or are struggling with his weight, see whether you can let go of your reservations because of your overall positive feelings towards the person. If you cannot, stop dreaming that you get this to change, because it probably won’t.
Wishful thinking is one of the most powerful forces on the planet. When we generally like someone, we try to convince ourselves that there is a way that all those aspects that we don’t like will just magically disappear. The unfortunate reality is that people don’t change very easily. The only fair assumption when dating is that the person most likely will not change. Either accept what it is, or move on. If you are offended by her politics or are struggling with his weight, see whether you can let go of your reservations because of your overall positive feelings towards the person. If you cannot, stop dreaming that you can get this to change, because it probably won’t. That was just in brief, now let’s go deeper Into things… Accept that people don’t fundamentally change
Don’t marry someone with the hope that they will change. As much as you may wish it, people don’t easily change their attitudes and core beliefs. Rather, think: Would you marry the person as they are? If the answer is yes – but you would rather they change this thing about themselves – then you have nothing to lose. If the answer is no, then this is not a compatible match for you.
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