What’s the deal with bashert?
The term “bashert” is used often, implying that shidduchim are Heavenly ordained. Is that really so? And if it is, why does everyone act like they are the ones making the choice? If our Zivug is truly predetermined, what role does each of us have in deciding whom to marry? As things stand, there is far too much confusion and inconsistency for this concept to have any value. This article aims to clear that up, based on extensive Torah sources.
The Bas Kol
Our sources are replete with teachings about how Hashem is the one who orchestrates shidduchim.
- Famously, the Gemara (Sota 2a)1 states that “Forty days before the formation of the embryo, a heavenly voice emits and says: the daughter of this person [is destined] to that person; the field of this person [is destined] to that person.”
Many have taken this to mean that shidduchim are preordained. The problem with this reading is that the teaching equally states that this applies to the ownership of possessions. If so, the principle of bashert applies to all things, not just marriage.* - A well-known midrash (Vayikra Rabba 8:1)2 records an interaction between Rebbi Yose ben Chalafta and a Roman matron about what Hashem does now that he has finished creating the world. His answer: “He matched up pairs; this person’s wife should be with that person, this person’s daughter to that person; this person’s money to that person.”
This story similarly indicates that shidduchim are arranged by Hashem. But, then again, it doesn’t limit the principle to marriage, but to all things.
However, numerous other teachings specifically highlight the Divine Hand in bringing people together for the purposes of marriage. A few examples:
- Vayikra Rabba (29:8)3: “Psalms (62:10) says: ‘People are nothingness…’ According to the way of the world, what do people say? So-and-so man shall marry so-and-so woman – [but] ‘people are nothingness’… While they are still nothingness in their mother’s womb, they are together.”
- Bereishis Rabbah (68:4)4: “We find in the Torah, the Prophets, and the Writings that a person’s match is only from the Holy One, Blessed be He. In the Torah, from where is it derived? ‘Lavan and Besuel answered and said: The matter comes from the Lord’ (Genesis 24:50). In the Prophets [in relation to Shimshon]: ‘His father and his mother did not know that it was from the Lord’ (Judges 14:4). In the Writings (Proverbs 19:14), that is what is written: ‘But an intelligent wife is from the Lord’.”
- Gemara (Moed Katan 18b)5: “Rava heard a certain man asking for mercy [praying], who said: Grant me so-and-so as a wife. Rava said to him: Do not ask for mercy in this way. If she is destined to be your wife, she will not go away from you. And if she is not destined to be your wife, you will come to deny Hashem [when you see that your prayer is not answered].”
This sentiment is expressed by many of our greatest teachers. Here are just a few examples:
- Rabbi Yehuda heChasid: Sefer haChassidim (385)6 tells of a woman who refused to adorn herself with jewelry, and people warned her that no man would want to marry her. She responded that she wasn’t concerned, as Hashem is the one who is mezaveg zivugim. In the end, she married a talmid chacham.
- Rabbi Moshe Alshich: In one of his interpretations (Bereishis 24:50)7 of the story of Eliezer finding Rivka as a wife for Yitzchak, he says that since there is a heavenly voice that actually declares who is destined to marry whom, it’s no longer optional but compelling.
- Gaon of Vilna: In his commentary to Zohar (vol 2 255b)8, he references the verse (Psalms 127:1) “If Hashem doesn’t build a house, for naught do the builders toil.” The house in question, he explains, is a marriage. “For naught do humans toil in matters of Zivug when it all comes from Hashem.”
- Baal haTanya: He explains (Meah Shearim, Imrei Kodesh 21) that zivuggim don’t occur on the natural plane. Since they don’t operate according to the normal laws of nature, but are ordained by a Heavenly voice, there is no point in exercising natural means.
- Chafetz Chaim: It’s told (Chafetz Chaim al haTorah, p. 92) about a man who was struggling to find a shidduch, so decided to remove his beard. The Chafetz Chaim compared this to someone on a broken-down train who decides to give it a push to help out. In other words, that our human efforts are irrelevant, when it’s Hashem who controls this.
All this is sufficient to illustrate that the notion of special hashgacha when it comes to shidduchim is well-substantiated.
Depends on our actions
The problem with what was presented above is that Torah sources also emphasize how shidduchim depend on our actions. According to these sources, what determines our shidduch is the merit we earn through our own deeds, which determines what kind of woman he is worthy of. Likewise, we cannot rely on Hashem to send us our Zivvug, but we’re obligated to make our own efforts.
This would seem to contradict the notion that it’s predestined. Here are some of the sources to this effect:
- Gemara (Sota 2b) states: “A person isn’t paired with a woman but according to his actions.”
- Midrash Sechel Tov similarly says: “A person isn’t paired but in accordance with what he is worthy of.”
- Pesikta Zutrasa interprets the verse (Bereishis 25:20) “to him as a wife” as if there was a comma between “to him” and “as a wife”: “According to who he is, that is going to be his wife. A righteous man will be married to a righteous woman.”
- Midrash Sochar Tov (Mishlei 31): “Hashem ensures that the righteous can find pious wives, as indeed we find with Noach, that Hashem helped him find a wife equal in good deed to himself.”
- Gemara (Kiddushin 2b) explains the verse (Devarim 22:13) “When a man shall take a woman” to mean that a man has to go out and find a woman, and not the other way round: “It is comparable to a person who lost an item; who goes looking for whom? The owner of the lost item goes out and searches for it.”
- Zohar (Vayechi 229a) states that while Hashem makes the matches even before the person comes into this world, only if he merits her does Hashem give her to him as a wife.
Similar sentiments appear across the Torah literature, highlighting how what governs our fate in shidduchim is not what was announced before our birth, but the life we have lived since being born. Here are just a few examples:
- Rabbi Yehuda haChassid: Despite saying that zivugim are directed from Heaven, he says that it is directed in accordance with a person’s level of understanding and state of mind.
- Rabbi Moshe Alshich: In one of his interpretations (Bereishis 24:50) of the story of Eliezer finding Rivka as a wife for Yitzchak, he says that, “The correct path… is that of the kabbalist, namely that before the child is born they announce the Zivug that best suits the person’s soul… but after arriving in the world and the time comes for him to get married, he will be judged in line with his action. If he merits, he will take her. If not, she will be removed from him and be given to someone better than him .”
- The Chida: The bas kol (Heavenly voice), he explains (Pesach Einayim, Sanhedrin 22, quoting the Shibolei Haleket), doesn’t guarantee that it will transpire; it only states that this person is prepared for his good. If the person follows the good path, he will merit that the bas kol is fulfilled. If not, he will find a different zivvug.”
- Rabbi Eliezer Papo: The Heavenly decree, he explains (Pele Yoetz), will be fulfilled based on his prayers and efforts… He should do whatever is in his power… That is his obligation.”
- Steipler Gaon: “I have clarified and confirmed for myself several times that what Chazal said about a Heavenly voice… is not a decree that must happen, and that those two people will definitely get married… Here, too, free choice remains. Through his own action, he can cause that he won’t merit her, and she won’t be his wife.”
- The Lubavitcher Rebbe: In his many letters on the subject of Shidduchim, the Rebbe emphasized the importance of exerting oneself. He chastised a young man for “occupying himself with shidduchim to the minimum, only to fulfil his obligation.” The Rebbe repeatedly urged not to rely on miracles, but to apply maximum energy. Drawing upon the Gemara’s comparison of finding a shidduch to finding a lost article, the Rebbe pushed for people to get out and do what has to be done.
From the foregoing sources, it is clear that one’s own merit and efforts are central to the pursuit of a shidduch. According to these sources, it would be wrong to assume that whatever was predicted before birth is what will indeed transpire when the person reaches adulthood.
Our choices
Not only do we have all the sources just presented that show how our actions determine our shidduch prospect, but we have numerous Torah teachings about the importance of making the right choices when it comes to shidduchim. Clearly, that only makes sense if who we marry is affected by our choices. If the entire matter is determined from On High, what place is there for the exercise of human will?!
Here are just a few examples:
- The Mishna (Taanis 4:5) describes the scene twice yearly when the daughters of Yerushalayim would go out into the vineyard to find a spouse. They would declare, “Young man, raise up your eyes and consider what you will choose for yourself.” The Mishna takes it as a given that the young men will actually be exercising their free will when seeking a marriage partner.
- The Gemara brings a beraisa that expands on this, in which the women urged the men to use the correct criteria when making their choice.
- Halacha (Shulchan Aruch Harav, Orach Chaim 493:1; Mishna Berura 493:3) codifies that even at times of the year when it is forbidden to conduct weddings, it is permissible to get engaged. The reason: “Lest someone else propose marriage before him.” If we take the view that shidduchim are entirely Divinely ordained, why would halacha permit violating the rules when the woman will get married to him even if he waits, as that is predestined?!
- Rambam (Shemone Perakim 8:1) states that the bas kol isn’t a decree about the exact person we will marry, but more a determination about the nature of our character, which will influence who we choose to marry. The choice remains ours.
- The Arizal is quoted as saying that there is a ‘zivug rishon’ that is announced in Heaven, but can also be a ‘zivug sheni’, which is what occurs because of our poor choices.
- The Lubavitcher Rebbe wrote an extensive overview of the opinions on this matter and concludes that, according to all opinions, there is some level of human agency (Igros Kodesh vol 2 p. 193).
- The Chasam Sofer (Teshuvos, Orach Chayim 55) explains, based on this, why we don’t say Shehecheyanu when getting married: As whom we marry is ultimately our choice, and Hashem will not overrule human will. We can’t say that Hashem brought us to this day, when it was our decision, and Hashem wouldn’t have made us do so.
There are multiple teachings about what considerations we should bear in mind when choosing a spouse, all based on the idea that we must exercise our judgment in doing so:
- The Gemara often advocated choosing a suitable marriage partner. Here is an example, where the Gemara (Pesachim 49a) lists the order of priority for choosing a wife:
“A person should always be willing to sell all he has in order to marry the daughter of a Torah scholar. If he cannot find the daughter of a Torah scholar, he should marry the daughter of one of the great people of the generation, who are pious although they are not Torah scholars. If he cannot find the daughter of one of the great people of the generation, he should marry the daughter of one of the heads of the congregations. If he cannot find the daughter of one of the heads of the congregations, he should marry the daughter of one of the charity collectors. If he cannot find the daughter of one of the charity collectors, he should marry the daughter of one of the schoolteachers. However, he should not marry the daughter of an ignoramus…” - Chazal regularly emphasized the importance of choosing a spouse based on their moral and spiritual qualities, and not based on wealth or social status. Numerous teachings warn of disastrous results for someone who gets his priorities wrong. Here is just one example: Derech Eretz Zuta (10) states: “There are some who marry for sexual indulgence, and there are some who marry for money. There are some who marry for social advancement, and there are some who marry with sincere intention. Of him who marries for sexual indulgence, Scripture declares, They have dealt treacherously against the Lord, for they have begotten strange children. Of him who marries for money, Scripture declares, Now shall the new moon devour them with their portions, [implying] a month comes and a month goes and their money is gone. He who marries for social advancement will ultimately be deposed from his high position. But he who marries with sincere intention will ultimately have children who will be saviors of Israel.”
- Halacha also set out a range of guidelines about what makes for a suitable choice, including addressing matters such as wide age differential (Shulchan Aruch, Even haEzer 2:9), where there are health issues in the family (Ibid 2:7), geographic distance (Yalkut Shimoni 937), of a similar social background (Rabbeinu Bachay Bereishis 24:3), and many other factors. All those rules assume that we are able to and thus expect to assume responsibility for our choice of marriage partner.
Tefilla (and segulos)
In addition to all of the above, there are Torah sources that often emphasize the importance of davening and doing segulos to secure a good Zivug. If it was simply predestined, then the more sensible thing would be to wait until Hashem’s will shall be done.
- Sefer Chassidim (135) draws on Eliezer’s prayer upon arriving at the well that one should always daven for a shidduch.
- The Chasam Sofer highlights how Eliezer felt the need for prayer, even though he was representing a highly eligible bachelor.
- Many authorities (Rashi to Rif, Moed Katan 18b; Tosafot, Sanhedrin 22a) hold that the bas kol can be overridden through tefilla.
- Menora Hamaor (172:1-4) urges to keep davening for a good woman, even though Hashem has already arranged for him a partner whilst in his mother’s womb. Perhaps a person has sinned and would no longer be worthy. Tefilla can restore the best outcome.
- Many seforim advocate segulos to bring forth shidduch success. Several kabbalists (Asara Maamaros, Maamar Chikur Din; Igra dKalah, Vayetze) suggest reciting Psalm 121. Various sites are recommended as particularly suitable for tefilla for shidduchim, such as visiting the kever of Rabbi Yonasan ben Uziel, or visiting the Kosel for forty consecutive days. Some sources suggest learning Masechet Kesubot or Kiddushin as a segula for shidduchim.
Doing things on a spiritual plane to bring about one’s Zivug is surely a desirable thing. It does indicate, however, that relying on the concept of bashert is not adequate.
What, then, is the right approach?
All of the above is right. We must apply ourselves to the maximum, and we should use tefilla, and we should expect that our actions will play a part in our zechus, and we are obligated to our discernment to select our Zivug – and yet we do believe that when it comes to shidduchim, Hashem plays a special role.
Choosing a marriage partner is both one of the most challenging and one of the most consequential things we shall ever do. If we ever needed Hashem’s help, this would be it. That is why we are told repeatedly that Hashem prioritizes shidduchim, so we know He has our backs. It is important that we are aware that Hashem stands especially ready to help us with finding our Zivug, so that we remember to turn to Him for strength and inspiration. As Rabbeinu Bachya (Kat Hakemach, Chassan) writes: “Marriage requires G-dly assistance. It’s impossible to successfully complete the process without it.”
Chazal teaches us that a good marriage is the foundation for so much else that is important in life. For example, we are told (Bava Metzia 59a) that all the berachos that can come to a man are through the merit of his wife. Given the centrality of marriage, Hashem promises to set us up for success. That is what is meant by our Zivug is prearranged: that Hashem is working on our shidduch success even before we are born.
Hashem continues to stay involved, and we should lean on that to be the best version of ourselves, as indeed Hashem is our partner in this endeavor. While we never lose our free will, and we can make whatever choices we please, constantly bearing in mind how much Hashem is invested in the process should guide us to choose well and be resolute in doing the right thing.
Like in every aspect of Yiddishkeit, we both daven to strengthen our connection to Hashem and do good deeds to be more worthy in His eyes. In this way, Hashem’s involvement in our Shidduch journey will be to the greatest extent possible – because we invited Him fully into our lives.
Olelos Efraim (336) explains that when it comes to shidduchim, there is a hidden element and a revealed element. The hidden element is the hand of hashgacha, and the revealed element is one’s own efforts: “A person shouldn’t rely on Hashem’s hashgacha alone, but should act with the fullest effort and determination.”
The Lubavitcher Rebbe often encouraged people to strike this balance. While it’s vital to accept personal responsibility, our control over our destiny only stretches so far: “I’d like to draw your attention to the fact it isn’t realistically possible to know what lies ahead after marriage, as marriage is itself a life-altering change. Thus, when it comes to shidduchim, it isn’t possible to truly choose one’s destiny – there needs to be a reliance on Hashem” (Igros Kodesh Vol. 5 p. 103).
In practice
Emuna and bitachon play a central role in the life of a Torah Jew. This means constantly reminding ourselves that Hashem is supporting us in our journey, and especially in our more challenging times. This also means acting in a manner that reflects our true belief that indeed Hashem is a part of our path to shidduch success.
We don’t know what Hashem has in mind for us, but we do know what Hashem expects from us. We are tasked with making wise and worthy choices; ones that live up to our values and priorities. We are expected to conduct ourselves in a manner that makes us worthy of the berachos. It is on us to put in our best efforts, to ensure that we are making the proper hishtadlus. Thereafter, we need to turn to the One Above to grant us hatzlacha.
* Some suggest that the reference to money is also related to shidduchim, based on the words of the Sefer Chassidim (374) that Hashem will grant someone wealth to orchestrate a particular Shidduch. But this is not the most obvious reading of the passage.
