I’ve asked hundreds of people what is the purpose of dating. What are you going there to do? Pretty much everyone gives one variation or another of the following: “I’m going on a date to see if I like him or I like her.” Or, “The purpose of dating is to see if I would be interested in marrying him or marrying her.”
Despite how widespread this notion is, it is mostly incorrect. That is not the main reason to go on a date. In fact, most of that you could find out without even meeting the person. Most things you would want to know about the person, you could find out some other way. If you were determined to do so, you could go and watch them in the workplace, you could ask all their friends. Of course, I am not advocating that, but it is still a possibility. It is not strictly necessary to date someone to find out most of the information that would be necessary to know if someone could make a suitable partner in marriage.
The main, and most indispensable, reason to go on a date is to give the other person a reason to want to have another date, to treat them well enough that they want to keep coming back. You can’t do that remotely. To achieve that, you need to show up and give the other person an experience that they really appreciate.
Naturally, you will only want to date someone you are interested in, and who you believe has the potential to be a suitable spouse. Dating is not a selfless act, designed for the altruistic benefit of another. Still, when it comes to the main focus of what you do on a date, it is to ensure the other person feels good about themselves. You accomplish that by making sure that the other feels heard, respected, validated, appreciated, and understood.
When you give the other a great experience, then so long as there is compatibility there is a strong reason for them to keep coming back. And if they keep coming back, there will come a time when they’ll decide to stay. The priority has to be about building trust, and establishing a connection with somebody that maybe a few weeks ago you never even heard of. That is achieved not merely by showing up on the date, but by being fully invested in getting things right.
In short: There are two important things to focus on when dating: 1. To see if you like the other person, 2. To give the other person a reason to keep coming back.
The right person and the right way
Dating is a combination of two things: The right person, and the right way. Dating the right person and dating in the right way. Unfortunately, some people don’t realize this. They think if they find somebody suitable, that’s going to fall into place. In reality, 50 percent is the process.
Dating is a combination of two things: The right person, and the right way. Dating the right person and dating in the right way.
My standard joke is that dating is the absolute worst way you could find your spouse, with the exception of all other options. If there were another way, I would endorse it, because for many dating is difficult.
For some people, it would indeed be easier for them to get to know somebody naturally, and organically. Shidduch dating doesn’t work like that (and for good reason), so we’re stuck with what we have. Therefore, we should do all we can to go about dating in the right way.
We should be encouraging and facilitating people to understand what contributes to a successful dating outcome. Most people do those helpful things organically, automatically, instinctively. Some people are not wired to do so, and they need to receive guidance, so their dates will be productive.
If someone sees that dating isn’t working out so well, it is imperative that they work out a plan for success: how to build trust, how to create a connection, and how to give another a positive dating experience. Just showing up on a date without a plan is unlikely to work out. Hope isn’t a plan; it’s wishful thinking. They should not just be the right person, but also date the right way.
