The dating process is not “one size fits all.” Some people will hit it off quickly, while others will take it slow. Likewise, there are many other ways that dating will vary from person to person. Still, it is helpful to have a broad framework of the dating process, so that you can focus on the core priorities in each of the stages. The skills and issues relevant to the very beginning of the process are different from those at the end of the journey. It may be helpful to think of dating as three phases, with the ABC initials:
- Acquaint – getting to know each other.
- Bond – developing the relationship.
- Commit – committing to marriage.
When embarking on the dating journey, it is beneficial to approach each date with a clear intention. This doesn’t mean that the experience should feel rigid or artificial, but rather having a focus can enhance the interaction.
Acquaint – Getting to know one another
The purpose of this first phase is to determine that you are interested in and truly compatible with each other. The aim of this phase is to allow the mind to take a reasoned look at the suitability of this match, before getting emotionally invested.
The Acquaint phase has two stages:
I. Initial screening stage – Your first one or two dates are focused on answering one key question: Do I see any potential in this?
In essence, you are trying to determine:
- Am I interested in getting to know this person?
- Can I see the potential that this can turn into a marriage?
- Do I see a point in investing further in developing this connection?
More specifically, you would hope to be able to answer, at least to some degree, the following three questions:
- Am I okay being in this person’s company?
- Do I find basic things in common?
- Is there some initial attraction?
Your goals for this stage:
- Determining whether you are interested in pursuing dating with this person.
- Giving the other person a reason to continue dating you.
What to do on these dates:
- Share a little about yourself. Give clear and positive answers to the questions you are being asked.
- Ask suitable questions about matters that are important to you.
- Make every reasonable effort to put your date at ease.
Some people come away with a negative impression from the first date but change their view on the second date. This could be for a plethora of reasons, including because one or both were nervous, were surprised or something happened that they were not expecting, or had misunderstood something. Unless you have a strong negative reaction, a second date is generally advisable – if nothing else, just to be sure. More on this here.
II. Data-gathering stage – Having made an initial assessment, in this stage of the Acquaint phase, you learn about their views, family background, and life experience. In a shidduch setting, this stage generally is around two or three dates. At the end of this process, you will want to be able to answer the question: Are we compatible?
Of course, you still don’t know everything about the other person, and many of the more profound aspects have not come forth yet. Still, you will most likely have covered a great many topics that allow you to assess whether you are on the same page on key issues like values, religious level, life goals, and character. So, the question may be phrased a little more modestly: Do we appear to have a decent level of compatibility?
Your goals for this stage (similar to the previous stage):
- Give clear and positive answers to the questions you are being asked.
- Prepare and ask suitable questions about matters that are important to you.
- Make every reasonable effort to put your date at ease.
If you are ready to move on from phase one, you will have determined that:
- You like the person you are dating.
- You are getting along well.
- You share a strong level of compatibility.
- You see real potential.
Bond – Develop the relationship
You don’t want to get your hopes up too high quite yet – after all, you are still both new to each other – but you allow yourself a good level of optimism. Your general attitude is: This could go somewhere. The big difference is that in the Acquaint phase, you were asking: Do I want this shidduch to work? In this Bond phase, you should also be asking: How can I make this work?
There are two main aims of this phase:
- To allow the relationship to develop and for mutual feelings to grow.
- To get to know your date in a much deeper way to be sure this really is a good match. And to share about yourself so that your date can really get to know you.
Unlike the two elements covered in the Acquaint phase, these are not two stages but run parallel to each other. For the most part, the two elements of this phase are inseparable. That is because, the key way that feelings develop is through “mutual self-disclosure,” the process by which we gradually share ever more personal insights into our mind, heart, and soul. It is like a dance, where each person takes steps in turn.
This step-by-step process is different for every person. For some, it comes very naturally and for others, it takes more effort. As you become more comfortable being open, you also generate more closeness. This virtuous cycle results in a growing emotional bond. While this greater openness creates the potential for a closer relationship, it also results in people finding out things about each other that could raise questions about suitability.
Typically, this phase takes three to five dates, but many people find that it takes them longer than this, and that is fine too. Throughout this phase, it is important to ask yourself:
- Are we moving in the right direction?
- Is progress being made?
- Are there any red flags?
If you find that you are treading water, and nothing changes from date to date, you should change things up and try new activities. If that doesn’t improve the situation, it may be that there just isn’t the chemistry between you. Unfortunately, this happens regularly.
Once you have ascertained the following aspects, you are ready to progress to the next phase:
- You have established an emotional connection with the person you are dating.
- You have reached a satisfactory level of compatibility on important issues.
- Your date provides the necessary emotional support you seek.
- You can engage in discussions about challenging topics and effectively resolve differences.
- You can envision yourself marrying this person.
Commit – Deciding to get married
Most people who reach this stage are riding on a cloud, and they are hyper-excited about their future prospects of marital bliss. If you are emotionally caught up in the high of love, you are no longer capable of being objective. All you are interested in is making sure that your date is ready to commit to you and can propose/accept marriage. However, a significant number of people do not react that way.
Your aim for this phase is to answer one main question: Am I ready to move forward without looking back? Am I ready to take the plunge with this person?
Your goals for this phase are:
- Address and resolve any niggling concerns.
- Discuss your future together and what that would look like.
- Pluck up the courage to get engaged.
- Make the actual commitment.
It is important to ask yourself:
- Is there anything I am still concerned about?
- Am I confident that I can go forward with this without regrets?
You should also ask yourself:
- Am I emotionally ready to become engaged?
- Or do I need a little more time before I make the commitment?
This final phase can be as short as a single date, but more realistically a bit more than that. Take your time getting yourself ready to commit wholeheartedly and having prepared yourself mentally and emotionally. You should never commit because you feel pressured to do so, nor do you even contemplate getting engaged if you are not totally committed to seeing it through.
Some people have significant difficulties making this commitment. They have what is known as a “fearful attachment orientation” and, in extreme cases, will become paralyzed with anxiety during this last phase. Minor issues take on titanic proportions, and the person enters into a state of panic. For such a person, it is tempting to want to escape at that point, except that it will solve nothing. This is discussed in more detail here.
A mystical model
ChaBaD – The first phase is a mostly mental one. Does this match make sense on paper? Considering what I am looking for, is this a good fit? Do we square up in terms of our ideas and goals?
ChaGaS – The second phase is mostly an emotional one. Do I feel close to, do I trust this person? Do I feel comfortable with and can I open up to him/her? Does this person pull at my heartstrings?
NHYM – The third phase is mostly about putting it into practice. Do I feel ready to commit? Are there issues that are getting in my way?
