The dating journey starts before you’ve gone on a single date. It starts before you’ve even authored your resume or considered meeting a single person.
It begins with who is going on the date? Unless you’ve got some surrogate who’s going to appear on the date for you, you’re going to be the one showing up. So, who are you? Who is the other person going to encounter when they meet you? When you go on a date, it is not only you meeting the other person; the other person is also meeting you. So, who is this person the other is going to meet when you show up?
“Would you like to join my life?”
When you go on a date, you’re metaphorically wearing a placard around your neck that says, “Would you like to join my life?” And the understandable reaction a person will have to that type of question is “Well, what is your life?” Consider this from the perspective of your date: how enticing does that prospect sound?
Ask yourself: “What am I offering?” I don’t mean materially, such as whether you own a car or a home. Rather, what would it mean for the other to have a relationship with me, to join my life? It’s important that you come to the dating process with some idea of what you stand for and what you are about. Come to the process with your mind in a good place.
A man once asked me many years ago, “Tell me, how can I find a great Jewish girl?” My response: “Perhaps begin by being a great Jewish boy!”
A man once asked me many years ago, “Tell me, how can I find a great Jewish girl?” My response: “Perhaps begin by being a great Jewish boy!” There are of course so many factors that contribute to dating outcomes, but there’s more than some truth to: “To find the right person, it greatly helps to be the right person.”
Do you have coherent thoughts about what it means to be a husband or a wife? Do you have clear ideas about the kind of home you wish to build or the way you hope to raise your children? Have you figured out how to ditch your worst habits or how to capitalize on your strengths?
Understandably, you would be going on dates to find someone who can make you happy, but before embarking on that pursuit ask yourself: “Do I understand what it means to make someone else happy?” You are hoping to find someone willing to put their well-being in your hands; so, have you thought about what that entails, and can you make a compelling case to that effect?
Coming across on a date as looking to get married because you have no life is a very poor look. Better to make an effort to create a life that is fulfilling and meaningful. When you are doing interesting things, you are a more interesting person to be with, which will contribute to more fulfilling dates. If you are brimming with enthusiasm for the positive things you’re doing, you are giving the person you are dating a reason to be enthusiastic about entering into a lifelong relationship with you.
Interesting Life = Better Dating
Your dating could improve if you engage in interesting and meaningful activities. For example, you could invest in yourself spiritually by opening an interesting sefer, learn how to use a new piece of software, regularly call an elderly relative, or become a volunteer in a chesed organization. You can expand your horizons by trying something new, such as eating an exotic food, learning a foreign language, visiting a museum, or doing a DIY project.
If you are good with languages or are talented at music, have you done anything to develop that skill? You come on a date, you’re going to be so much more interesting and so much more compelling because you take yourself seriously. How do you expect somebody else to take you seriously if you don’t take yourself seriously?
So, the first thing is, we need to be in a reasonable shape. We don’t have to be perfect; we don’t have to iron out all the crinkles. But come to a date ready for it.
Being clear about yourself will also make it much easier to figure out what you are looking for in a partner. It’s okay to come to dating with an open mind: perhaps what you said you were looking for wasn’t correct after all. Especially if you are brand new to dating, there is no need to be obsessive about knowing exactly what you think you will like and dislike. But, you should still have some idea of what you are aiming for.
Knowing what you are about will afford greater clarity about what is important, and therefore what to look for. That is far better than getting involved in dating and then discovering basic insights about yourself after you wasted enormous amounts of your time and that of other people.
Don’t be hard on yourself if you find yourself only figuring things out through actually dating. Sometimes, that is inevitable. On the other hand, dating is not designed as a platform for you to work out your basic identity. That would be profoundly unfair to other people and an abuse of the dating system. Make a reasonable effort to get to grips with such things before you begin dating.
