The purpose of dating is to find the right person to get married to. The metric for dating success, ultimately, is a successful marriage. Dates are a means to an end; they are not an end in themselves. Dating is very much a necessary means, for without dates we won’t have marriages. Still, we mustn’t lose sight of what all the dating is for. Getting someone on a date may be an important first step, but it’s no more than that.
When I talk to dating professionals, I tell them what we need are more marriages, not more dates. Some people are inclined to say, “Isn’t it great: I’ve set up all these shidduchim; there are all these people going on dates.” I don’t want to take away any credit for all that effort and progress, but we need to recognize that this alone is not the mark of success. You wouldn’t assess the health of your business by how many people walked into your store, but by how many people actually bought something.
Dating can become a bit of a trap. For many, it is relatively easy to go on a date. We now have dating apps, we now have dating websites, we now have a multitude of matchmakers, and different services that will allow people to meet others. But are we seeing all these options translate into successful dating outcomes? Unfortunately, often the answer is negative.
There are many singles events where people can meet others. But do those events result in lots of marriages? Say there’s an event for several hundred single people, how many of those people end up dating beyond a date or two? We need to recognize that, for many people, successful dating begins with a date with themselves! Greater clarity and self-awareness are just as important as someone suitable to date.
If someone has been dating for a while and things are not coming together for him or her, then it is important to understand what is behind that difficulty. With that insight, it is possible to help the person overcome or get around the obstacle and chart a course toward success. If something is getting in the way, then simply going on more dates is unlikely to solve that. Instead, it is just another opportunity to experience failure, rejection, or frustration.
If something is getting in the way, then simply going on more dates is unlikely to solve that.
If someone is new to dating, there is no reason to overreact just because a shidduch didn’t work out. Not every shidduch will end in marriage. Unless there are overt signs that something isn’t adding up, everyone needs to keep going and success will most likely come soon enough.
Everyone benefits from proper guidance through the dating process, and all people – however long they have been involved in dating – should be looking for ways to improve their dating effectiveness. But for those who are still at the early stage of their dating career, there is no reason to overthink things. Hopefully, success will come soon enough. That is the most likely scenario.
If dating isn’t successful
However, if success doesn’t come after several attempts – and there is no obvious reason for this – it is vital to avoid racking up endless dates without first figuring out a pathway to success. Let’s work out what’s going on so that the chances are greatly increased of a successful outcome.
This is not about being impatient that people should have as short a dating history as possible. There should be no pressure. No one should be coming with a stopwatch. But we should be doing all in our power to avoid the increasingly prevalent situation of people going on endless dates.
We should not be comforting ourselves, that “At least she went on a date” or peddle the myth that “with every date, he is one step closer.” None of this is remotely true. More dates don’t get you closer. Better self-understanding, and with it a more effective dating strategy, may actually get the person closer.
Many people who have dated extensively without success are successful people, even highly impressive. We are witnessing truly accomplished individuals struggle for years. Many singles are not lacking in dating opportunities. Quite the contrary, they have dated many dozens of people.
It is always possible that the next person will be a winner. But realistically, the issue was not and is not that they haven’t met someone suitable. So, another shidduch is unlikely to be the answer. The goal should be a successful outcome. The question should be less: “Who may be a suitable shidduch for him or her?” and more “What could be done differently to get the result everyone is looking for?”
