Noam has met more than twenty women, but he has been offered a couple of hundred shidduchim. Noam is still very much single – and scratching his head trying to figure out what it will take for things to work out. He rarely gets excited by shidduch suggestions, and he quickly loses whatever enthusiasm he had after a date or two.
Noam is highly frustrated and annoyed at this point, convinced that he is not getting set up with the right people (despite being very clear about what he is looking for). He believes that shadchanim and family members aren’t listening and keep recommending people they think make sense, instead of taking his views into consideration. Noam has stopped counting the number of times he’s been told he’s being picky or unreasonable, when he feels that most of the suggestions were plain out of the question. In his mind, they should be doing a better job of connecting him with the right person—instead of blaming him for what he sees as their ongoing failure to deliver.
This is what we call “The Naysayer.” While only a small portion of the population falls into this category, someone with this mindset can be deeply affected by it. Please understand that we aren’t using this term in a demeaning way. Rather, we’re trying to capture a real issue that affects some people in a significant way. They are investing copious amounts of time, effort, emotion and money into dating. Despite this, their goal is as elusive as ever. What is the nature of this phenomenon, and what is the best way to approach it? Here are the main characteristics of this way of experiencing dating:
Obviously wrong
The naysayer feels like every date is with someone who doesn’t fit their ideal or values. They feel very confident in that assessment. They rarely question themselves about their dating reactions or decisions, and likewise would seldom be comfortable being questioned by others. Questioning is usually shut down quickly, because to the naysayer, it feels that there is nothing to discuss – so why bring it up for discussion? The reason why the naysayer is reluctant to engage in reflection is that to them the matter is clear-cut. Their decisions are typically definitive. They typically give a hard no, and are rarely open to another point of view.
Quick off the mark
A hallmark of the naysayer is the speed at which they come to their conclusions. They normally don’t feel the need to deliberate on their decision. It comes straight from the gut. Even in situations where they end up agreeing to meet, there will be occasions when they say that they had an initial negative reaction, but were persuaded to give it a try (this is not common, as giving in to persuasion is not something the naysayer does easily or often).
Feel like ‘settling’
Naysayers most often don’t view themselves as having unusual or exacting demands, even though that is typically how others view them. Rather, they claim to ‘know their worth’ and often view people they’ve met as ‘settling’. They genuinely believe that, and that is truly how it feels to them. They genuinely don’t understand why they’re often told they’re being too picky or unreasonable. Logically, it may be possible to challenge their perception, but the sense of inadequacy of the shidduchim is so deep that it seems unquestionable to them. This brings us to our next point:
Antagonized
Naysayers experience high levels of frustration. They commonly assume that there are suitable people out there, just that they haven’t met them. This, then, is a source of deep annoyance. They may become angry at shadchanim for not setting them up with the right people. This is understandable from their perspective, as they are convinced that this is the root cause of the problem. Often, they think they’re being misunderstood or not listened to, even though those suggesting shidduchim don’t feel that is the case. Those who have been dating for a while are prone to feel they’re wasting their time, and may get discouraged by the repetitive ‘mismatches’.
What keeps them going?
Despite the title “naysayer,” this type of person is actually an indomitable optimist. Despite numerous setbacks, they remain convinced that the right person is out there waiting, and it is just a matter of finding him or her. Why reconsider your search criteria if there is exactly the right person waiting to be discovered?!
But what if the real answer is to gain clarity that your dissatisfaction with the shidduch suggestions is largely the product of mental distortion? What if you are one of those people whose brain will register disappointment even when the person could actually bring you real happiness?
Opting for disempowerment
Without intending to, naysayers adopt the view that what is happening is outside their control. In some respects, this makes them feel better about themselves, reassured that the blame is to be placed on others. But by placing all the responsibility for the situation on others, they are giving up on their own ability to effectuate success.
As noted, naysayers often complain that others – shadchanim, parents, society, etc. – aren’t doing enough or well enough. They want to see others work harder to unite them to their soulmate, and they get frustrated if they are questioned about their part in the situation. No one enjoys having it pointed out that they might be causing a problem or doing something wrong. But our behavior is more or less the only thing we can control. So, if someone insists that the problem lies outside of themselves, they are essentially declaring that they are powerless.
Discounting
In our book, Shidduch Success, we discuss a phenomenon we call “discounting,” whereby a small number of people inadvertently see qualities of a shidduch in a diminished fashion. They have an inherent inclination to view positive qualities in their dates and other aspects of their lives in a reduced manner. This tendency becomes even more pronounced when it comes to dating. They perceive some or all positive traits to be less impressive than they objectively are. In other words, they are like someone wearing shades and trying to judge how sunny the day is.
If someone carries an idealized version of what their spouse should look like or an idealized version of themselves, they are likely to dismiss people who might actually be a good match.
Unsurprisingly, they feel dissatisfied with their dates, as no one seems to be smart, interesting, or attractive enough. They always expect more, not realizing that what they are looking for is already present. The issue is that their brain doesn’t allow them to see it. Not everyone who has this tendency experiences it to the same degree. ‘Discounting’ is the most likely reason why someone would turn into a naysayer.
However, there are other possible influences that would bring a person to feel moved to reject the vast majority of their shidduch suggestions:
Are you being realistic?
Some people have an idealized version of what their spouse should look like, and reject anyone who doesn’t meet that standard. This could be driven by a wide range of motives – which we don’t need to go into here – but it is not based on what actually brings marital success.
Other people have an idealized version of themselves. They project an image of themselves that isn’t fully grounded in reality. When people have a skewed view of who they are or what they ‘deserve’, it can cause them to dismiss people who might actually be a good match.
Then there are those who have an unrealistic idea of relationships. They mistakenly think that the quality of a relationship depends on being married to someone who is a perfect fit with what they imagined. When there is even a small discrepancy, they are prone to feel crushing disappointment, even though in reality it would not impact their long-term happiness.
A lot of people will react to a gap between their ideal and the real by asking whether they can make adjustments to their expectations. When something isn’t exactly right, some minds look to adjust the parameters to make the dissonance go away. However, some people have a very sharp reaction to the discrepancy, which creates a powerful wish to keep the offending incompatibility as far away as possible.
The Naysayer phenomenon can also come about because of high levels of stubbornness or overconfidence in one’s own judgments. People are sometimes unduly convinced that their instinctual “no” is correct because they have a general resistance to questioning their own judgment. As we shall see below, it is important to adopt a healthy degree of self-skepticism to counter the overly strident pattern of rejection.
Practical Tips
People with the personality type described above vary in several ways. It is impossible to provide a single set of guidance that would apply to all affected by it. What appears below are a few pointers to set you on the right path.
Accept this is the case – Nothing will be achieved until there is an honest acceptance that this phenomenon is at play. Once you acknowledge and accept this tendency in yourself, you can overcome it, and dating can be successful. Although it may remain challenging, because you will have to resist what to you is a natural inclination, you now have the clarity to choose what is actually in your best interest.
Seek guidance – It is highly unlikely that this can be addressed without support and wise counsel. You need to understand exactly what is going on, what are the precise root causes, and what strategies would be most effective for you.
Consider “what if” – Unfounded certainty is just as harmful as unjustified doubt. It is vital that you make a firm commitment that whenever you are inclined to turn down a shidduch that you insist upon asking the counter-question: What if I could be happy with this person? What if I could get past X? What if my mind is generating unhealthy opposition? What if all those people who are urging me to keep an open mind are right?
Top up – If you are indeed discounting, instinctively and automatically downgrading the positive value of shidduch prospects, you need to adjust your rating accordingly. For example, if you rate the shidduch as a 6/10 on their appearance or intelligence, treat it like an 8/10 and then decide if you would still say ‘no’.
Give a reason – To circumvent an automatic negative reaction, commit yourself to always giving a meaningful reason. Don’t just say, “she’s not pretty enough,” but give a full explanation about what was bothering you. Don’t just say, “he’s not intelligent enough,” but provide specifics about what didn’t work for you.
Total respect – Always speak respectfully about shidduch suggestions and those you’ve dated. Know that the minute you are disrespectful, you have lost all credibility. Commitment to respect also contributes to having a more open mind. Likewise, if you are going to reject a shidduch, speak respectfully to the shadchan, even if you feel exasperated. Respect the shadchan’s time and efforts.
No one said that shidduchim is easy, but it gets a lot harder when we get in our own way. The reality is that many of us trip ourselves up without realizing it, and we do so in the name of ensuring our own happiness. A wise person will question their strategy when it looks like what they are doing isn’t getting them the result they are looking for. As important as it is to reject shidduch ideas that are unsuitable, it is vital to be able to accept those that are. For the vast majority of people, the right shidduch will both be right and feel right, but for a minority, this isn’t the case. What if you’re in that minority?
