Zeldy was facing an excruciating decision. She had met Nachum ten times, and she could find no significant faults. Nachum had been ready to propose for several dates already, but he was giving Zeldy all the time she needed. The problem was that Zeldy also felt that the dating was producing nothing new, and that it was time to decide either way.
The problem was that she could not decide. She could see no reason to end the shidduch: he was pretty much everything she said she was looking for. Yet she felt unable to give the green light, because she wasn’t at peace with the shidduch. She wasn’t a yes or a no — she was a definite maybe. But endlessly sitting on the fence isn’t an option when dating.
When Advice Isn’t Enough
In her confusion and distress, Zeldy spoke to almost anyone who would listen. If advice is what she sought, advice is what she got. Lots of it. All well-meaning — none helpful. The tenor of the advice she received was: it sounded like an amazing shidduch, and she should definitely go ahead. As for her discomfort? That would dissipate after marriage. How did they know? Well, apparently, it was obvious.
But Zeldy was no closer to feeling ready. So came the next round of advice. The shadchan said, “Just keep dating. It’s so good, it would be a shame if it didn’t work out.” Her mother said, “It’s all in your head. Just take your time, and things will be fine.” Her mashpia recommended a two-week break and see how she felt after that. She decided to follow the guidance of her mashpia.
Why Advice Failed
Those were two very difficult weeks. More conversations. Plenty of tears. Endless frustrations. At the end of the two weeks, she was no closer to a decision. She still wasn’t ready to say yes, so it became a no — not because of anything specific, but because she realized more time or dating would solve nothing.
Despite good intentions, all those who had advised Zeldy had only made things worse. She already knew the shidduch added up. She had no real complaints about Nachum. Yet the assurances were coming from people who wouldn’t have to live with the consequences. They meant well, but their promises of marital bliss were just that — hopeful promises.
She accepted the advice to take a two-week break because it removed the immediate pressure, not because she expected it to solve anything. At least now she had a legitimate reason to escape her predicament for a while, at least to some degree. She hoped something would change, but she was skeptical. As the two-week mark approached, the pressure built to an unprecedented intensity, and she couldn’t take it any longer.
Truth be told, all the advice Zeldy received wasn’t based on substance. Why should she take the huge risk of getting married because someone else believed it will work out – when her head is literally exploding with anxiety?! How could she continue dating, when every date felt like torture, with the full weight of expectation on her shoulders?!
The Power of the Right Question
The real reason that all the advice failed is because it was advice. Zeldy needed less advice and more insight. The most useful thing for Zeldy – and the one thing she didn’t get – was a single pointed question: Why is this happening? Could there be some underlying struggle that she experiences during dating, which is responsible for her current predicament?
If the shidduch makes so much sense, if everything fits so perfectly, why is Zeldy having such a hard time? This was the one question that could have helped her to gain clarity. She doesn’t need to be told what to do; she needs help figuring it out why this is happening.
When people are having a hard time making a decision about dating, often what they need is insight, rather than advice. They don’t need to be told what to do; they need help figuring it out.
Gaining Clarity
Finally, Zeldy spoke to someone capable of helping her uncover answers. This person asked the big question — broken into smaller ones: What exactly made her feel anxious? Has this happened before? What were her experiences of relationships as a child? Slowly, a picture emerged of how dating felt for her. A part of her felt like a little child, utterly unprepared for marriage. [The reason for this is too detailed for this article.] That child-like side of her personality panicked at the thought of marriage — understandably.
It didn’t take long to realize this wasn’t the first time this cycle had occurred. It was a repeating pattern. She could recognize the processes unfolding in her mind. Whereas before she had only received assurances, now she had self-understanding.
With clarity and the right guidance, she regained control and could see a way forward – one that took into consideration the complexity and nuance of her personality and life experiences.
Bottom line: When someone is stuck, don’t tell them what to do. Ask the right questions instead. The right questions give rise to the most helpful answers.
