Compatibility is essential for marital success, and few aspects of compatibility are more significant than the two parties having similar values. Creating a home and raising a family draw heavily on values, and if the couple are not on the same page in terms of their priorities and beliefs, there will be no end of issues.
Shared or compatible values are important in a relationship because they provide a common foundation for understanding and relating to one another. When two people share similar values, it can help to create a sense of unity and connection, as well as a shared sense of purpose and direction.
Values are the underlying and guiding principles that inform a person’s attitudes, decision-making and actions, reflecting preferences rooted in a coherent belief system rather than fleeting whims or preferences.
They represent the practical manifestation of a belief system and can be best understood as the things for which a person is willing to make significant sacrifices. The best way to think of values is: “For what things is this person willing to make a meaningful sacrifice?” To establish whether your partner’s values align with yours, you must know your own values.
Because values are based on a commitment to what is right and wrong, they are fairly stable, typically persisting over time and across circumstances. People do not change their values easily. Shared values increase the harmony and functionality of the marriage. If people do not agree on their values – some values in particular – it can easily cause conflict and undermine respect.
Some people think that if two people like each other enough, differences in values can be overcome, but this is often exaggerated. It is not advisable to paper over differences in values. Rather, it is best to try to work those out during dating. If it proves impossible to arrive at a reasonable common understanding, those differences are likely to negatively impact the relationship.
Shared values are important in a relationship because they establish compatibility and make it easier to navigate differences and conflicts. They also create a sense of connection and unity in a relationship. Shared values promote mutual respect, as well as a shared sense of purpose: a common goal to work towards. They also facilitate communication, making it easier to express your needs and desires. By contrast, when values are markedly different in a marriage, it can create challenges and potential sources of conflict, misunderstanding, and a sense of disconnect, as each party is pulling in a different direction.
Not every difference in values is the same, and especially not all people handle differences in the same way. You can read more about handling differences in this article.
There are two main types of values: Yiddishkeit values and life values.
Yiddishkeit
These religious or spiritual values include a wide range of matters of the person’s choices in dress, music, reading material, and visual entertainment, as well as the commitment to time spent davening and learning kashrus observance, attendance at minyanim, and so on. Being overly rigid and fixed in one’s views is generally not a healthy disposition when it comes to marriage, or in life in general. It is therefore not wise to be too unbending and unwavering in one’s opinions. You don’t have to marry someone who agrees with you on everything or who is exactly the same as you in every aspect of Yiddishkeit. But for the most part, it is important that values are aligned.
Obviously, there are many different aspects of Torah and Mitzvos that people could have difference about, but here are a few pointers:
- It is important that both parties aspire to similar standards in their home, whether in terms of observance of halacha or sources of entertainment.
- It is reasonable for you to want to marry someone whose own personal level of Yiddishkeit you respect and appreciate, from shul attendance to regular Torah study.
- It is understandable that you would want to marry someone who would be a suitable example and role model to your future children.
Life Values
There are many values that can affect a person’s marriage and life (these may be informed by Yiddishkeit, but they may not be directly related to Yiddishkeit). It is advisable to include these values in research before agreeing to a shidduch, as well as to explore these matters in discussion during dating.
The question of who is right is not the central issue here, but the fact that differences in values make it hard to build a life with someone. It is fine not to have a strong opinion on any particular issue, but if you do have clear views then it is necessary to examine those as part of the dating process. To help with that discussion, here are a few values that you may feel are worth bringing up:
- Service to others – Some people are committed to a life of service and are prepared to make the attendant sacrifices. Others want to prioritize their own quality of life.
- Attitudes towards money – One of the greatest sources of marital strife is disagreements on financial matters. Their attitude towards saving or spending money is important.
- Lifestyle priorities – Another area is the person’s goals surrounding their material lifestyle. Some people have dreams of a glamorous home and a fancy car, while for others these things are unimportant and seek a simpler life.
- Family – Some people clearly adore children or are highly committed to raising a family, while others have different priorities. This is likely to affect the size of family they aspire to, and how dedicated they will be to their children.
Please note: Not every opinion or belief should be treated as a make-it-or-break-it issues. Many things are very small and are unlikely to be cause for problems in the marriage. Work out what are the genuinely important values in your life and prioritize them.
Exploring Personal Values exercise
This exercise aims to help you gain clarity on your personal values and establish non-negotiable boundaries aligned with those values. Take some time for self-reflection and introspection. Consider your beliefs, principles, and priorities in life.
Make a list of your core values (and prioritize them based on their importance to you). Reflect on personal experiences or stories that exemplify your commitment to these values and boundaries. Identify your core values by answering the following questions:
- What aspects of life do you find most important and meaningful?
- What qualities or virtues do you admire and strive to embody?
- Reflect on moments when you felt fulfilled, proud, or aligned with your true self. What values were present during those experiences?
- What values do you want to pass on to future generations or be remembered for?
- Once you have identified your core values, think about the boundaries or lines you absolutely will not cross to uphold those values.
- What behaviors or actions do you consider unacceptable based on your values?
- What compromises or situations would make you feel like you are compromising your integrity?
- Are there any specific values that, if violated, would make you reconsider a relationship or commitment?
