Dating is one of the most natural things in the world. Human beings are wired to connect romantically; when we meet someone suitable, we have in-built systems that kick in and steer us towards establishing closeness and forming a partnership.
Still, frequently (and increasingly) dating can be complicated and challenging. It often makes sense to get guidance through your dating journey. While often it may be sufficient to turn to someone older or wiser, sometimes one needs specialist help to figure things out.
For many people, dating is a brand-new thing. They don’t have much experience. And even if they do, they may not be very good experiences (if they were, they probably would be married!). Learning is often based on studying the past, but in dating that isn’t necessarily an option for people.
If somebody is doing something that can potentially be quite complicated and challenging, it makes sense to get appropriate support.
If somebody is doing something that can potentially be quite complicated and challenging, it makes sense to get appropriate support. Even with something as simple as driving a car, which doesn’t require unique expertise, people don’t just jump in a car and drive. They understand that a car is a complex machine, and needs to be understood properly.
The same goes for almost anything else, even a simple thing like baking bread. Most people would have been taught how to do it, even though baking bread is something that’s been done since time immemorial. People shouldn’t deny themselves the benefit of guidance about something as important as who they’re going to spend the rest of their life with.
The goal of dating always has to be to maximize the chances of any shidduch, to ensure that opportunities are being fulfilled. If something could work, it is vital that you give yourself the best chance of it working.
While anyone who begins a shidduch has to be ready to accept that the other may not be “the one”, or that it may not work out, we should never be okay with it failing for lack of trying or lack of understanding. Yet this is all too common. Unless someone is absolutely sure that a particular match is unsuitable, I believe that it should first be spoken out with someone sensible and experienced.
Challenges in the Dating Process
Seeking guidance is especially important for people who have been dating for a while or who have already had several shidduchim. Everyone knows the aphorism about the definition of insanity (“Doing the same thing twice and expecting a different outcome”), and this applies to dating as well. From what I can tell, people place far too much credence on the notion of, “I just haven’t met the right person yet,” and give insufficient consideration to the possibility that something inside themselves is causing them to get stuck. If this is the case, most likely, you would benefit from excellent advice.
At DateWell, a key priority is helping to draw attention to the way that dating varies among people, and that a substantial minority of people will find themselves conflicted, confused, frustrated, or anxious. Under those conditions, working out whether a shidduch makes continued sense, or how to navigate one to success, is typically challenging.
They will find themselves dating and not getting the result they’re looking for. It is painful to watch how many people have everything going for them, and yet they struggle in shidduchim. Often, they are well-educated, highly intelligent, very successful, and attractive people, and yet despite this, they’re not getting the success they’re hoping for.
Sometimes, perhaps, it is just an unfortunate case of not having met the right one. However, much more likely it is because they are not aware of what it is happening inside of their own head, and as a result how they are experiencing and reacting to dating. Often just a small amount of awareness and everything turns around. While awareness can be quite easy to attain, often we need someone outside of ourselves to guide us towards it.
Often just a small amount of awareness and everything turns around.
We need to drop the idea of a “shidduch system”, drop the idea that everybody is the same and that if you know how to play the so-called dating game, you’re going to be okay. There is no one game or system. People are different; they have different minds and characters. Trying to have a one-size-fits-all approach is not a good idea and it doesn’t work.
There may be a pathway to shidduch success that works for the majority who are very much part of the mainstream of human personalities, but that ignores the fact that there’s a substantial minority who need to find their own way to success. There is nothing to be gained by bunching them together with everybody else and expect them to succeed just because that pathway has worked for other people.
At some point, it is advisable for the person to seek clarity about themselves and work out what dating needs to look like and feel like for them. Ideally, they should be able to get access to that insight without having to experience years of aggravation.
