Dating requires a tremendous amount of siyyata dishmaya (Heavenly assistance). When it comes to shidduchim, in particular, doing the right thing needs to be at the forefront of our minds.
It is a reasonable assumption that people involved in shidduchim have the best of intentions. We understand that it’s a sensitive process for all involved, and that care is needed to ensure that people’s feelings and dignity are preserved. We all understand that it is incumbent on us to treat others in the same respectful and courteous manner that we wish to be treated.
Dating puts people in a vulnerable position and that can lead us to be self-protective. In focusing on their own needs, people can inadvertently overlook the needs of others. Dating is a complex and delicate process that can demand vast amounts of our attention, and can cause us to ignore how our behavior impacts others.
While shidduchim can lead to a tremendous amount of joy, unfortunately, they can also cause a fair amount of heartache. When it comes to shidduchim, we need to adopt the highest moral standards.
Shidduchim requires tremendous mazal and bracha. By devoting ourselves to acting correctly, we create the keli for the hatzlacha we seek.
Shidduchim is one of the most sacred and challenging activities we can engage in, and we need all the bracha (blessing) and zechus (merit). In working to secure our happiness, we should also consider the happiness of others. Here are some key considerations:
Shidduch Suggestions
We are entitled to turn down a shidduch suggestion. It’s legitimate to be honest about our reason, even if it isn’t flattering. However, our wording should always be refined and respectful, never crass and demeaning. We should never use words such as “ugly” or “stupid” to refer to someone who was proposed for a shidduch. It’s someone’s son or daughter that is being spoken of – and that someone is the Ribbono shel Olam!
Be humble and modest. No one should ever even think of saying “who does she think she is suggesting him to our family. We are far better than that.” If we really think we’re that great, we should be thankful that we have so much going for us. In shidduchim, we shouldn’t build ourselves up by putting others down.
Be grateful. One may regard a shidduch suggestion as unsuitable, but in the vast majority of cases, it would be appropriate to thank the person who came up with the idea. Say, “I appreciate you thinking of us, but the idea isn’t going to work for us.” We generally need more people who are willing to get involved in making shidduchim, so let’s show appreciation when they stick their neck out.
Shidduch Dates
Shidduchim can be fraught with nerves and stress. It is vital that we act with the utmost consideration. We should get back to shadchanim in a timely fashion so they can get back to the other side within a reasonable timeframe. If there are outstanding questions or no definite answer just yet, this should be conveyed to the shadchan with a courteous explanation, along with some idea of when we expect to be able to give an answer.
Time and location of a date should not be changed at the last minute, if at all possible. If a date needs to end early for whatever reason, issue a polite apology and make sure to lessen the hurt to the maximum extent possible. If there is a matter that is felt to be problematic, it should, of course, be raised – but in a sensitive manner.
On dates, one should be attentive and focused. Phones should only be used if in the service of the date. Dates are absolutely not the appropriate place for people-watching. If one bumps into some acquaintances, there is rarely a good reason to strike up a conversation with them. Explain that you can’t speak now, and focus on your date. Respect the other’s boundaries. If unsure, ask. A date is not the best opportunity to test your limits. Don’t do anything to embarrass your date. Behave discreetly on a date, and don’t unnecessarily draw attention to yourselves.
Decision-Making Process
Deciding who to marry is a huge decision, and we shouldn’t be pressured or rushed into making the decision. However, avoid procrastination and indecision. There are many reasons why deciding to get engaged can feel truly overwhelming. Some people are profoundly indecisive and feel paralyzed by the weight of the decision. Others are gripped by a genuine commitment-phobia that makes the thought of commitment seem terrifying.
People going through this need understanding, support, and guidance. Still, in dating, there is, by definition, another party. They have feelings too. Notwithstanding our own struggles, we need to exercise utmost consideration. If one needs help, seek it out. But don’t prolong the dating process for no legitimate reason. Always communicate what’s going on, rather than retreat into a mental cave. No one is saying it’s easy, but doing the right thing doesn’t stop being relevant when things are hard.
Ending a Shidduch
Most shidduchim don’t end in a Mazel Tov. That is normal. People don’t have to apologize for not going through to the end. Everyone who starts a shidduch understands that it may not result in ultimate success; that’s what they signed up for. However, if the shidduch is going to end, it should happen in the most respectful and least hurtful manner.
People appreciate useful feedback, especially if the shidduch went on for a while. Obviously, the feedback needs to be worded sensitively, but often it is possible to provide an explanation that won’t crush the other.
Always express sincere appreciation to the other for the time they gave and the effort they made to be a part of the dating experience. If possible, leave a meaningful compliment to show that you recognize their good qualities, even if the person isn’t for you. Wish the other every success in as heartfelt a manner as you can muster.
Conclusion
Shidduchim requires tremendous mazal and bracha. By devoting ourselves to acting correctly, we create the keli for the hatzlacha we seek. May everyone see an abundance of success in their search for a binyan adei ad.
