Dating is about finding someone with whom you can build a good marriage. But finding the right person is only part of the story. You also need to know how to date well—how to recognize a promising relationship, give it room to develop, understand what you’re experiencing, work through uncertainty, and make thoughtful decisions along the way.
In other words, successful dating takes two things: the right person and the right way. These ten principles offer a framework for both.
1. Date with a purpose.
Dating should be directed toward marriage—not seeing what happens, self-discovery or for fun. You don’t need perfect clarity about everything you want in a spouse, but you should have a reasonable sense of the kind of marriage, spouse, and life you hope to build.
2. The right person isn’t enough—you also need to date the right way.
Who you meet matters enormously. But so does how you approach dating: what you expect, how you interpret what happens, how you handle uncertainty, and how you make decisions. You can meet a very suitable person and still miss the opportunity if you don’t date well.
3. Don’t date a checklist. Pay attention to the relationship.
You’re not simply trying to determine whether someone is a great person or has enough desirable qualities. You’re asking what happens between the two of you. Do you respect one another? Can you communicate? Do your values and lives fit? Can something healthy and meaningful grow here? A great person isn’t necessarily the right person for you—and someone who doesn’t match your imagined checklist may still be a very good match.
4. Understand before you conclude.
Dating gives you lots of information, but not all of it is easy to interpret. Pay attention to your feelings, concerns, and reactions—but distinguish between what you actually know and what you’re assuming. Something that bothers you may be important, but your first explanation for it may not be the right one. Ask questions, get more information, and try to understand what’s actually happening before reaching a conclusion. The goal is discernment, not certainty. Dating decisions are rarely as simple as “I feel great, therefore continue” or “I’m uncertain, therefore end it.”
5. Uncertainty doesn’t automatically mean no.
“If it’s not a yes, it’s a no” sounds simple, but dating isn’t always that simple. Sometimes uncertainty points to a genuine incompatibility. Sometimes it comes from fear, expectations, lack of information, or simply needing more time. You don’t need to force yourself forward, but you also don’t need to walk away simply because you aren’t sure. When you’re uncertain, try to understand why.
6. Give connection room to grow.
Not every good relationship begins with an immediate click. Attraction, comfort, affection, and emotional connection can develop over time. Some people connect quickly; others develop feelings gradually. Don’t expect a beginning relationship to already feel like a mature one—or assume that because something isn’t there yet, it never will be.
7. Enough rather than perfect.
You’re not looking for perfect compatibility, perfect attraction, or a person without shortcomings. You’re looking for enough of what matters to build a good marriage. Shared values, priorities, and direction in life matter greatly; identical personalities matter much less. Differences aren’t automatically incompatibilities—and sometimes they can even help two people balance one another.
8. Don’t skip the difficult conversations.
When something concerns you, it can be tempting to analyze it privately—or avoid bringing it up because the conversation feels awkward. Ask. Talk. Give the other person a chance to explain. Difficult conversations can clarify the issue, correct assumptions, and show you something important about how the two of you communicate and work through differences.
9. When dating keeps going wrong, get curious.
If the same thing keeps happening—no one seems good enough, feelings never develop, relationships repeatedly end at the same stage, or dating always seems to go badly—don’t automatically assume it’s bad luck, the system, or the people you’ve dated. There may be something worth understanding about your own experience of dating. A good mentor, coach, shadchan, parent, rav, or other trusted person can sometimes help you see what’s difficult to see on your own.
10. Remember that you’re dating a person.
Dating requires making judgments and sometimes saying no. But the person across from you isn’t an application you’re reviewing. They are a person being vulnerable and taking a risk too. Treat them with honesty, sensitivity, courtesy, and respect throughout the process—including when you decide that the relationship isn’t right for you.
