In life, we all set our own minimum standards. For example, I might be okay with eating at a restaurant with dim lighting, but I definitely wouldn’t go to one that’s dirty. We base these standards on our comfort levels. If I’m sensitive to noise, I’ll avoid loud places, but someone else who isn’t bothered by noise might not mind at all.
In economics, there’s a concept called “barriers to entry”—obstacles that prevent people from entering a certain industry or sector. We do the same in our personal lives by setting expectations that limit who or what can enter our space. This is why we have barriers (doors, locks, or walls) on our homes—to keep out people we don’t want around. Similarly, in dating, we rightly insist on certain qualities before we even consider entering a relationship with someone. Just like everything else, we set standards for what feels right for us.
The Right Size Walls
When it comes to allowing someone into your life, especially in a relationship, it’s understandable to maintain some protective boundaries. After all, letting someone take the place of a spouse is a big deal, so a certain level of protection is necessary.
However, some people set their barriers too low, not being selective enough, and naively believing all people are suitable. Not everyone can be in a relationship with you, and you need to be able to turn someone away if they are unfit. Just like you need a door to your home, you need a door to your life. You wouldn’t allow just anyone into your home, so you shouldn’t invite just anyone into your life.
On the other hand, some people set their walls too high, preventing even the right person from entering. In trying to protect themselves from the wrong person, they end up shutting out everyone. It’s like someone who gets an aggressive guard dog to protect their home, but the dog scares away all their friends. They’re safe, but lonely. They need to find a balance between feeling safe and being open to relationships.
The key takeaway is that barriers should only keep the wrong people out—not shut out everyone. If your barrier is so high that even the right person can’t get through, it’s no longer serving its purpose. While protecting yourself is important, it’s equally important not to build walls that prevent a meaningful connection.
People can sometimes put up walls that are too high, which end up excluding even the right person from entering. In the name of keeping out the wrong people, they keep out everyone.
Waiting to Feel Comfortable
For some people, their barrier is comfort level with the other person and the relationship. They are only willing to agree to get married once their comfort level has been met. They say that they need to feel ready to take the plunge. In theory, that is entirely reasonable. People find themselves ready to get engaged at different paces. If someone needs a little more time to adjust to this major life-change, that is not controversial.
But what happens when someone sets their comfort level so high that it becomes nearly impossible to reach? For instance, expecting to feel entirely free of discomfort or nervousness before getting engaged. That’s often unrealistic. Many people will inevitably experience anxiety around such a big decision. It may not be possible to avoid that entirely. Demanding to be free of any and all stress before agreeing to get engaged often creates an unworkable barrier. Setting the barrier this high often creates an unrealistic burden.
Holding Out for Perfection
Some people are wired in such a way that if anything about their date doesn’t perfectly align with their preferences, they immediately shut the person out. This is an extreme form of perfectionism, where even the smallest issue can outweigh all the positive qualities someone may have. For these individuals, no number of positive qualities will compensate for a single undesirable trait.
It’s understandable to have preferences, and it’s reasonable that some people are more affected by details. But when someone with perfectionist tendencies insists they’ll only commit if every little discomfort disappears, it creates an impossible situation. They often find themselves stuck, chasing the unattainable. The barrier they’ve built becomes an impenetrable obstacle to relationship success.
Avoiding All Risk
Some people are so wary of risk that they’d rather avoid any chance of failure, even if it means sacrificing potential success. The reality is, you can’t avoid all risk in life—there are too many unknowns to be certain of the future. Taking calculated risks is a key trait of successful people. It’s impossible to commit to marriage without accepting some uncertainty. Those who claim to be sure about the person they marry often base that confidence on emotional attachment, which can make it hard to evaluate the situation objectively.
Some individuals are more prone to fear and are highly sensitive to making a wrong decision. As explained elsewhere, they strive to reduce the level of risk so low that it makes it extremely difficult to feel okay about any relationship. In so doing, they are oblivious to the fact that they are causing themselves certain harm, in the name of preventing a much less likely harm. Their barrier is the complete removal of risk. They may achieve that, but at what price?
Moving Forward
Most people don’t intentionally set up impossibly high barriers, but the problems they create can be significant. If you feel like your walls might be keeping the right person from entering your life, it’s important to talk to someone who can help you gain clarity and create a plan to move forward. Good luck!
