It seems undeniably true that when it comes to dating, the more you can do to be sure about who to marry, the better. After all, choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make—perhaps second only to deciding whether to read this article! Given how much is at stake, it seems obvious that you should leave no stone unturned in your pursuit of certainty.
But in reality, that’s not necessarily the case. In fact, the idea that more certainty is always better is largely false. There comes a point where obsessing over doubts isn’t just pointless—it’s actually harmful. Chasing certainty endlessly is more likely to make you miss out on a great relationship than to protect you from a bad one. Let’s explore why.
The Importance of Clarity
When it comes to such a life-changing decision, let’s be clear: you should not consider getting engaged unless you are certain that the person is truly suitable. Cutting corners or making assumptions is never a wise approach to a decision of this magnitude.
Dating is not a race, and impatience has no place when choosing a life partner. Nor is it a guessing game—making presumptions about your future spouse is a serious mistake. On the contrary, take the time to truly get to know the other person, and ensure they have the opportunity to know you as well. Address any concerns fully, and openly discuss factors that could impact your long-term satisfaction in marriage.
No one should get engaged before reaching a “saturation point,” where additional dating no longer provides new, valuable insight. Likewise, there is no reason to rush into marriage without first establishing trust and building a meaningful connection. If that means taking a few more dates, then it’s well worth the time.
Sometimes dating feels like a whirlwind and it all happens so fast that you may feel the need to catch your breath. That is normal and fine. If you require a couple more dates to come fully around to the idea of getting engaged, so be it. Not all people react the same way during dating; you – or the person you’re dating – may be someone who needs more dates to feel ready for the major step ahead.
Squeezing Out More Certainty
However, if the reason you are seeking more time to date is to deal with lingering doubts, you have to be careful. There comes a point in dating when you’ve gotten everything you possibly can out of the process. That’s the point when you need to stop and move to the next step. If additional dates aren’t providing new insights or deepening your emotions, you’re just treading water in circles. And going in circles for too long doesn’t lead to clarity—it leads to dizziness. Keeping that up for too long will likely cause you to fall down.
Some people say, “I don’t have any questions left, but I just need more time to feel sure.” That’s a risky approach. How exactly will more dating provide that certainty? Chances are, it won’t. What’s more likely to happen is that it will put strain on the relationship and greatly increase the risk of it unraveling. If you feel the need for “more time,” ask yourself: What do I actually plan to use that time for? If you don’t have a coherent answer, then you may want to revise your strategy.
If you’re delaying without knowing why, the real issue may not be the relationship—it may be something internal holding you back. Instead of assuming that more dates will magically resolve your hesitation, focus on understanding what’s really causing it.
Risk Management
People often say, “This is such an important decision—I need to be one hundred percent sure.” But here’s the simple truth: in dating, there is no such thing as absolute certainty. Most people instinctively understand that, and they don’t aim for perfection. Instead, they are satisfied if the evidence and their experience suggest that it is overwhelmingly likely that this shidduch is a good choice.
Someone who demands total certainty—beyond even the slightest shadow of doubt—isn’t being more careful; they’re being obsessive. And their insistence doesn’t make a better outcome more likely, because what they’re chasing is impossible. Clarity, yes. Certainty, no. The need for absolute certainty doesn’t come from responsibility—it comes from insecurity.
“Someone who is insisting on absolutely certainly, beyond even the slightest shadow of doubt, is not being careful but obsessive. Clarity, yes; certainty, no.”
Most people agree to get married not because they were able to secure incontrovertible evidence as to the wisdom of their choice. They get married because they feel satisfied that they have achieved a level of clarity and confidence that is sufficient upon which to base a decision.
The real problem comes when the pursuit of that elusive certainty starts to harm what could be a wonderful relationship. It’s like someone so afraid of getting hit by a car that they run straight into an oncoming train. In trying to eliminate even the tiniest doubt, they create far bigger risks than were there to begin with.
Dating is a process, and once that process is complete, there’s nowhere left to go. Continuing to date beyond that point is like driving after you’ve reached the end of the road—it’s not likely to end well.
If you find yourself in this situation, it’s wise to seek sound advice. There may be something going on that you aren’t aware of. Gaining clarity and self-awareness will hopefully help you to understand the situation correctly and choose the best course of action.
