Dovid has been dating Noami for the last two months, clocking up over a hundred hours of time spent together. During that time, both Dovid and Naomi have dealt with a range of questions and doubts, sometimes together and sometimes separately. They are now at a point where Naomi is done with dating and wants to know if Dovid is ready to move forward. The problem is that Dovid just doesn’t feel sure:
“I know that I can’t drag this on any longer, but I just don’t feel sure about her. I’m still extremely anxious and nervous and I worry that I could be making a mistake. What can I do to shake off these fears or figure out for sure whether this is right for me?”
Unanswerable question
Dovid has misunderstood something fundamental about how dating works, and that is why he is presenting his situation the way that he is.
Dovid is under the mistaken impression that he is struggling because the shidduch he is involved with suffers from too high a level of risk and that he has too many unanswered questions. In truth, Dovid is not dealing with a higher-than-average degree of risk or uncertainty; he is dealing with a higher-than-average experience of doubt and nervousness. This has been his challenge throughout his years of dating.
In his case, all known issues have been worked through. The reason that he has continued dating is precisely because he managed to get past the issues.
There is no way to prove one hundred percent that someone is suitable. There is no way to entirely eliminate unanswered questions.
Indeed, the way that Dovid framed his question, it can never be answered. There is no way to prove one hundred percent that someone is suitable. No one can be totally certain of the future. People who choose to get married are not doing so because they have been able to eliminate all doubt. Rather, they have decided that the level of risk and uncertainty is sufficiently low to justify committing to the relationship.
There may be things he can do to lower his angst, but it is not by reducing the extent of his unanswered questions. Those have already been lowered through many hours of dating and discussion. They cannot go any lower. Nor does it need to go any lower. Some level of uncertainty is unavoidable.
Mixing up cause and effect
To Dovid, the problem is: “But I still have all these questions, and that is causing me to have so much doubt.” That statement is completely back-to-front. The reality is quite the reverse: The reason why he has all these questions is because he has so much doubt. He is prone to doubt – even when most people would have long let go of it – and therefore, he can’t stop focusing on all the unanswerable questions.
Dovid’s logic is as mixed up as thinking that waking up causes the alarm clock to go off—instead of the other way around. Of course, it’s the alarm that causes him to wake up. Confusing cause and effect like this throws off reasonable judgment and leads to all kinds of faulty conclusions.
Innocent until proven guilty
“But don’t I have to have a strong enough reason to marry Naomi?” Dovid asked. As plausible as this sounds, it is incorrect. During the first stages of dating, indeed people should ask themselves after each date, “Is there a justification for dating this person?” If there isn’t a sufficiently good reason for pursuing a shidduch with this individual, it is better to find someone more suitable.
That policy should persist until one reaches a point where the dating itself clearly shows that there are undoubtedly solid grounds for this relationship. After numerous dates, having spent considerable time together, and having successfully covered all important topics and issues, you reach a tipping point.
At that point, you don’t need a reason to continue dating; you would need a reason not to.
When dating begins, it is normal to be skeptical, it is a case of ‘guilty until proven innocent’. The reality is that the majority of shidduchim don’t result in marriage, and there is no reason to assume that it will work out.
However, after extensive dating, where the positives are clear, the suitability of the shidduch has been validated. That is when the dynamic switches to one of ‘innocent until proven guilty’. Yes, waves of doubt and pangs of anxiety are deeply unpleasant – but they are not a reason to walk away.
What’s the bigger risk?
When it comes to making the decision about marriage, the question isn’t “How can I prove things beyond a shadow of a doubt?” or “How can I eliminate all doubts entirely?” Rather, the question is: “Do I have a valid reason to not go forward with it?” The amount of fear one is experiencing does not count as a valid justification.
For someone prone to hyper-overthinking and acute anxiety, the only question Dovid should be answering at that point is: “Am I better off with her or without her?” In his case, all the evidence shows that he is better off with her. The fact that he cannot find inner peace is hard, but entirely unrelated. That was never the question. Continuing to question commitment makes absolutely no sense for him.
Of course, there is a risk that he won’t be happy; there is risk inherent in any commitment. The same risk that everyone takes when they commit to marriage. However, it’s crucial to recognize that risk is comparative. It’s about weighing the risk of continuing the relationship against the risk of ending it.
Terminating this relationship involves a significantly greater risk for Dovid. He has been dating for a good number of years, and he has not found it at all easy. There is every chance that he will take many more years to find someone as suitable as Naomi, and then he is highly likely to experience the same levels of anxiety all over again.
