Izzy had been dating someone for a while. There were no big issues—conversation was easy, and everything seemed to be moving along. Yet, he felt stuck. He kept going on more dates, hoping that things would fall into place and that he’d be ready to move forward – but things didn’t change. The number of dates accumulated, but he was feeling no more ready. Friends offered insight, mentors gave advice, but nothing brought clarity. The pressure to make a decision kept mounting. Eventually, Izzy reluctantly ended the shidduch. It was disappointing… but also a relief, because the weight of indecision had finally lifted.
This cycle can keep repeating itself, leading to copious amounts of frustration, disappointment, and hurt. It is the quiet agony of indecision; not drama-filled, but slowly draining. It is the product of indecisiveness. Many people can be somewhat indecisive (for example, perfectionists, overthinkers, people affected by fear or anxiety, and so on), which can complicate matters. But here we address the more intense, pure variation of indecisiveness, a crippling mental paralysis which makes people feel profoundly stuck and incapable of making a decision. We shall discuss the nature of this personality type, how it typically plays out in dating, and provide some initial guidance on how to approach dating if this affects you.
Several factors can contribute to a person’s indecisiveness, including anxiety, perfectionism, or a lack of confidence. Additionally, various mental health conditions can exacerbate indecisiveness. However, people can be indecisive simply because of their personality, with there being no other explanation. Thus, it is often best to just accept the situation and learn how to get around it, as we shall discuss.
The nature of the indecisiveness
The essence of indecisiveness is that the person genuinely doesn’t feel ready to decide. Regardless of what happens or what they do, their brain will never register that they are sufficiently ready to be able to make a choice.
Imagine if you were pressured to decide on marriage before you felt you had a chance to properly get to know the other. It would feel terrifying and overwhelming. Well, that is how a truly indecisive person feels all the time, irrespective of how much time or how many dates, or how much you have learned about the other. There is simply never a time when such a person will feel, “Okay, now I’m ready to go.” The problem, of course, is that the indecisive person feels rushed and unprepared even after having had plenty of opportunity and all the time in the world.
The simple truth of the matter is that no amount of time, no number of dates, no amount of persuasion, and no amount of pressure will render them ready. That is because the basic wiring of the brain that allows a person to feel ready isn’t functioning well. The same way that all people feel profoundly unready to commit to marriage when they are genuinely unprepared, the indecisive person feels that way in every situation.
While overthinking and indecision are close relatives, there is a significant difference between them. Overthinking involves spinning thoughts, analyzing every detail, in an effort to attain elusive clarity. Indecision involves the absence of thoughts, a blank space in the mind—it’s the ultimate stuckness, the stalling of movement. In another key respect, the two are opposites: While overthinkers won’t make a decision because they are unsure or confused, indecisive people are unsure and confused because they can’t make a decision.
Overthinking and indecision are different: Overthinking involves lots of spinning thoughts, indecision is the absence of thoughts—just stuckness, the stalling of movement.
Feels like paralysis
Truly indecisive people don’t feel they have a choice. They don’t feel able to “snap out of it” and just do something. If they try to do so, their brain goes crazy. It leaves the person seriously uncomfortable, in a state of genuine distress.
You can think of it as an addiction, just in reverse. Instead of being addicted to something, they are addicted to doing nothing.
It’s not that they don’t try. They will do all they can to get unstuck, making endless pros and cons lists or speaking to all kinds of people – but they will remain feeling unable to progress. Indecisive people don’t have that ‘off valve’ that lets one know when the process is complete and it is time to move.
They get badly stuck in position. They can’t move forward, but nor do they want to move away. They feel utterly unable to commit; yet they hesitate to end the relationship, because they recognize that there’s no good reason to do so. They worry they will regret forgoing the shidduch. So what results is paralysis.
Under those circumstances, buying time is their preferred tactic. But that only prolongs the agony, and doesn’t solve anything. Time was never the problem, and time is also not the solution. It merely compounds the damage.
In the depths of stuckness, it is common for indecisive people to secretly hope that the other party will end the shidduch, so they can be put out of their misery. Alternatively, some will actively sabotage the relationship to avoid having to make a decision. This is a sad situation, because the crisis will only repeat itself with a future shidduch. In the meantime, people are getting hurt.
People who experience this acute indecisiveness are prone to cut and run if pressed too hard to decide. They will often walk away if pushed to the wall. They genuinely feel that they have no other option. Indeed, they typically feel relieved when the shidduch ends, as they avoided confronting what they regard as an impossible decision.
Despite repeatedly experiencing this mental paralysis, indecisive people are likely to continue pursuing shidduchim, in the hope that they will somehow get around the issue. Often, they harbor a secret fantasy that one day it will all become clear: A sign will appear; a feeling will arrive; that they’ll just know.
If you tend to be indecisive like this, it’s important to realize: no amount of waiting or hoping is going to magically make the decision feel easier. That uncomfortable feeling won’t just disappear on its own.
The best thing you can do is face the situation honestly and make the decision you need to make. Most of the stress comes from avoiding the decision — not the decision itself. Once it’s made, you’ll be able to move forward, and life will settle back into place.
Its impact on dating
Besides its obvious effect on decision-making, indecisiveness poses a range of challenges to the dating process – which affects both parties in the process. Here are the main ones:
Effect on developing emotions – It’s nearly impossible for someone to emotionally connect when a near-total inability to commit is looming in the distance. People who experience this type of indecisiveness will struggle to form a truly meaningful bond because the same part of the brain that is preventing the decision is curtailing the development of strong feelings. Sometimes, people will wrongly point to their lack of emotional connection as justification for their skepticism about the relationship, when in reality it is precisely the other way round: they are lacking an emotional connection because of their innate skepticism about the relationship.
Effect on clarity – To make the momentous decision to marry someone, we need a high degree of clarity. Thankfully, dating is typically very helpful in that regard. Most people find that spending many hours in meaningful conversation does allow the parties to genuinely get to know each other. People do generally find that the dating process does afford them the clarity they need. Someone indecisive will struggle to feel they have clarity, because they know for sure that they are lacking the peace of mind clarity normally brings. In other words, even if they do have clarity, they feel as if they don’t.
Lack of effort – Dating takes effort. For some people, it can feel effortless, as they are naturally inclined towards sharing personal information, connecting with people, showing affection, and so on. Others also find the process easy because they are highly motivated and emotionally connected, and so things flow. People who are indecisive are more likely to hold back at some point from putting everything they’ve got into the relationship, as part of their brain is actually avoiding the decision that they would be confronted with if the relationship developed. This can be a self-fulfilling prophecy: the other party may not get the level of positivity they are looking for, and start to back away.
Taking action
If you are indecisive in the manner described above, you need to know the truth:
- You are very unlikely to ever overcome this. It is due to the fundamental wiring of your brain, and that doesn’t change easily. Waiting for a day to arrive when you will be more decisive is pointless.
- If you are stuck in this situation during dating, understand that starting again with someone new will solve nothing. The same thing will occur with the next person.
- Unless you are giving up on marriage, ending a relationship because of indecisiveness is terrible. It cannot be allowed to happen. You need to rule it out as a possibility, as doing so is both deeply wrong and profoundly dysfunctional.
- Indecisiveness ends when reality is established. You will not be affected once you are married. It is a problem associated with making decisions, not with living with the other person. Thus, the agony will entirely disappear, and the good times will roll.
- Thus, you really have no alternative but to do whatever it takes to make a decision. Unless there is a reason not to proceed (which it is assumed is not the case here), you have to take the plunge. You can’t make the indecisiveness go away, so you have to do so despite it.
- You will feel the worst – like you are jumping off a cliff – but you are totally safe. For all of the extreme unpleasantness inside your head, you are actually doing something great, and the future will bear this out.
Tips
Panel – If you feel unable to make the decision, one thing that can sometimes be helpful is setting up a panel of three people you trust and have them state what you should do. If all three are unanimous that it is a good idea, you have to go ahead.
Set a deadline – As counterintuitive as it may seem, it may be helpful to set a clear end date by which time you are going to go ahead, unless you have reason not to. You aren’t going to find it easy either way, but if you have a countdown, then when the clock runs out it may be easier to accept that delay is no longer an option.
Build a support system – Accept that this is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Ensure that you have a core team of people who can give you encouragement to do what you have to do.
Mindfulness – Combat your high stress with calming techniques. Learn how to center yourself to focus on the task, rather than getting caught up in the pressure.
Indecisiveness feels utterly crippling, which is why it so often is. Except that it isn’t. Realizing this is key. By this realization, it goes from being impossible to being challenging – and challenging is doable. It is understandable that you will want to feel ready. But more important by far is that you are ready, even if that is decidedly not how you are feeling. It’s possible to factually ascertain whether dating has run its course. If that is indeed the case, don’t let indecisiveness get in the way.
