For Parents:
Being the parent of someone involved in dating is often not easy. We watch our child grappling with difficult choices, unsure what to make of their thoughts and feelings. Dating can result in crushing disappointments, which accumulate into deep frustrations. We see how things don’t seem to work out and are bewildered as to the reason.
Parents would benefit greatly by greater awareness of the range of issues and struggles that can affect their son or daughter’s dating journey. Emotional factors that play little or no role in other aspects of life can become a major challenge during dating. The articles here – and on the site in general – describe and address many aspects of dating. Insights you gain will be invaluable when you act as a sounding board to someone going through the dating process.
Working with the Shadchan to find shidduch
A Shadchan’s job is not easy. They are tasked to find someone you will like, when they are not you. Here are a range of useful tips as to work together with the shadchan is as productive a manner as possible.
Questions to Ask a Reference About a Prospective Date
Your research should provide enough information to determine if the shidduch has some potential. The people date to really find out about each other.
The information uncovered during the research should never be relied on 100%. Everything must be confirmed during the dating process.
If you are getting ‘no’ often.
If you keep getting turned down, it is vital that you stop and ask “why?” Here are a range of factors to consider, whether the rejection is during the research phase, after the first date, or whether it is after several dates. Reflect deeply, request feedback, seek advice.
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from the outset, and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening. You can provide context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue.
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. At the same time, it is important to know what to try to understand about the family’s role on the person themselves. What type of parenting or family life did they have? How have they dealt with adversity in their upbringing? And, how important is a close connection to your spouse’s family?
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is focused on helping someone figure out what to do going forward. If you feel stuck in your dating, you might benefit from working with a coach. If you are struggling with a significant issue, you will benefit from working with a therapist.
Am I supposed to be concerned about this?
Your intuition should be taken seriously and listened to, but only insofar as it urges you to take a careful look at the issue. Not as the arbiter of what is right.
A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea.
Working with the Shadchan to find shidduch
A Shadchan’s job is not easy. They are tasked to find someone you will like, when they are not you. Here are a range of useful tips as to work together with the shadchan is as productive a manner as possible.
Questions to Ask a Reference About a Prospective Date
Your research should provide enough information to determine if the shidduch has some potential. The people date to really find out about each other.
The information uncovered during the research should never be relied on 100%. Everything must be confirmed during the dating process.
If you are getting ‘no’ often.
If you keep getting turned down, it is vital that you stop and ask “why?” Here are a range of factors to consider, whether the rejection is during the research phase, after the first date, or whether it is after several dates. Reflect deeply, request feedback, seek advice.
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from the outset, and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening. You can provide context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue.
Does family really matter when it comes to a shidduch?
You may marry “into” a family, but you are not marrying “the” family. People should be assessed on their own merit. At the same time, it is important to know what to try to understand about the family’s role on the person themselves. What type of parenting or family life did they have? How have they dealt with adversity in their upbringing? And, how important is a close connection to your spouse’s family?
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is focused on helping someone figure out what to do going forward. If you feel stuck in your dating, you might benefit from working with a coach. If you are struggling with a significant issue, you will benefit from working with a therapist.
Am I supposed to be concerned about this?
Your intuition should be taken seriously and listened to, but only insofar as it urges you to take a careful look at the issue. Not as the arbiter of what is right.
A suggestion from a shadchan is not the only way to find a shidduch.
The shidduch can come from anywhere, and anyone can be the shadchan. Many shidduchim are made through a relative or friend, or even a stranger. Keep an open mind. Networking works! Reach out to people you know to see who they know. There are many opportunities to network. More than one shidduch emerged because of an informal chat at the manicure salon! If you see or hear of someone suitable for yourself, don’t be shy to broach the idea.
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