For Advisors:
Most people during dating turn to trusted advisors for guidance – be they rabbonim and rebbetzins, maspi’im and mashpios, dating/shidduch coaches, shadchanim and shadchaniyos, a wise relative, or others. Your input is invaluable. Your support and insights are vital. During dating, people are confronted with issues that they have never faced before. They want and need direction and support.
Many of those issues touch on matters of psychology. The struggles people experience during dating are often connected to internal struggles. It is quite possible that the reason they feel a certain way is because of in-built character traits, or the product of life experiences. Date Well’s objective is to raise your awareness of these factors, and to share insights into how these impact on people during dating. We also hope that you will direct people to content on our site that you feel may be relevant to those who turn to you.
What is “attachment” and why is this so important for romantic relationships?
“Attachment” is a fascinating and complex matter, and the consequences are enormous for people’s experience of entering into a relationship and how their fair once married. In fact, the issue of attachment may be the single most central and important factor in the quality and success of people’s relationships.
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
Should I take a break?
There are unique situations when a break would be helpful. The first is what we term a Feelings Break, when you find there is strong compatibility but you feel that you don’t have a sufficient emotional connection. A break may allow you to see whether there is a flicker of connection upon which to build. The second we call a Thinking Break, when you have strong feelings towards your dating partner but are facing a major decision and feel that it should not be clouded by the growing emotional bond. If a break is warranted, it must be broached with the utmost sensitivity and maturity.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
People are often encouraged to make a list of criteria to guide the search process. Without question, this is necessary and important, because how else can someone know who may be suitable for you.
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from the outset, and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening. You can provide context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue.
I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If you have done things you should be ashamed of, not feeling guilt would be a bad thing. But if the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
Where is the request to continue the dating process coming from? Has overall compatibility been established? What do they say they need clarity on?
Especially important Is to be clear between the two of you as to what kind of clarity is to be gained during the next dates.
Set a goal and a timeframe. Not an ultimatum. Don’t pressure.
Sometimes, people get stuck. It is worthwhile to get professional support in making a decision.
End a shidduch with dignity.
You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know quite a bit about each other. And then you determine that this person is not for you, and you want to end the relationship. Remember, this is a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
The purpose of dating is not to confirm automatic full agreement on every topic. There is no reason to feel disappointed the minute there is some area of disagreement. Unless the gap is felt to be truly unbridgeable, these are exactly the issues that should be discussed while on the date in an open and honest manner. Negotiation and compromise are not bad words. They will be your best friend in marriage, and you might as well befriend them during dating.
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is focused on helping someone figure out what to do going forward. If you feel stuck in your dating, you might benefit from working with a coach. If you are struggling with a significant issue, you will benefit from working with a therapist.
What is “attachment” and why is this so important for romantic relationships?
“Attachment” is a fascinating and complex matter, and the consequences are enormous for people’s experience of entering into a relationship and how their fair once married. In fact, the issue of attachment may be the single most central and important factor in the quality and success of people’s relationships.
We have different religious levels, is this a problem?
More than the exact differences of your religiosity levels is the ‘what’ and ‘who’. What are the differences; are they major or minor? Who are each of you; how flexible are each of you?
Should I take a break?
There are unique situations when a break would be helpful. The first is what we term a Feelings Break, when you find there is strong compatibility but you feel that you don’t have a sufficient emotional connection. A break may allow you to see whether there is a flicker of connection upon which to build. The second we call a Thinking Break, when you have strong feelings towards your dating partner but are facing a major decision and feel that it should not be clouded by the growing emotional bond. If a break is warranted, it must be broached with the utmost sensitivity and maturity.
Knowing yourself, so that you know who to marry
People are often encouraged to make a list of criteria to guide the search process. Without question, this is necessary and important, because how else can someone know who may be suitable for you.
I have sensitive information to reveal: how can I do this while causing least damage?
It would be more advisable to give off a more realistic portrayal of life from the outset, and weave into that the factors that will make your weakness seem less threatening. You can provide context of your life that will make it easy for your date to see how you deal with and manage your issue.
I did things in the past that I am now ashamed of; the guilt is eating me up.
Guilt is a healthy response as a reaction to the past, yet it is a dysfunctional response to our posture for the future. If you have done things you should be ashamed of, not feeling guilt would be a bad thing. But if the guilt is undermining your confidence in your ability to move forward in your life, it is a really bad thing.
He says “I am not ready, let’s continue dating”. Should I agree?
Where is the request to continue the dating process coming from? Has overall compatibility been established? What do they say they need clarity on?
Especially important Is to be clear between the two of you as to what kind of clarity is to be gained during the next dates.
Set a goal and a timeframe. Not an ultimatum. Don’t pressure.
Sometimes, people get stuck. It is worthwhile to get professional support in making a decision.
End a shidduch with dignity.
You’ve been dating someone for a few times. You’ve both shared about yourselves and know quite a bit about each other. And then you determine that this person is not for you, and you want to end the relationship. Remember, this is a vulnerable time for both of you. How you end the relationship should be done with dignity and respect – for both of your sakes.
Don’t avoid uncomfortable topics; that’s what dating is for.
The purpose of dating is not to confirm automatic full agreement on every topic. There is no reason to feel disappointed the minute there is some area of disagreement. Unless the gap is felt to be truly unbridgeable, these are exactly the issues that should be discussed while on the date in an open and honest manner. Negotiation and compromise are not bad words. They will be your best friend in marriage, and you might as well befriend them during dating.
Do I need therapy?
While therapy is designed to deal with traumas and wounds from the past, coaching is focused on helping someone figure out what to do going forward. If you feel stuck in your dating, you might benefit from working with a coach. If you are struggling with a significant issue, you will benefit from working with a therapist.
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