People who are animated by fear rarely are aware of it. It’s curious, because often there are obvious signs that something isn’t adding up.
Some people have met many people, and somehow nothing has worked out. “I just haven’t met the right one yet” is a common explanation. Sometimes, that may make sense. But often, this doesn’t add up.
Some people have had several dating experiences where things started extremely well, but then things got tense, and eventually the shidduch ended. “In each case, there was something that was really bothering me; I couldn’t go through with it,” is often the rationale. Indeed, this can happen, but perhaps there is something else going on.
Internal fear
The reason why people are so reluctant to consider that fear is what is driving the pattern of shidduch difficulties is that the fear we are talking about here is entirely internal.
If someone is threatened by another person, they can easily see that there is an unwelcome threat. It is a menace from outside themselves that is intruding into their lives. If we react to avoid that threat, it is clear why we are doing it.
The reality is that most fear does not originate from an external source. Rather, it comes from within ourselves. The fear is like wearing eyeglasses: our vision is shaped by what the glasses allow us to see.
If you’re inclined to view a shidduch through the lens of fear, it’ll feel totally natural to do just that—like there really is something to be afraid of. The threat feels real, the dread feels real. And if that’s how it truly seems to you, why wouldn’t you respond as if it is?
But if a logical analysis of the situation would reveal that there is really nothing of significance to be afraid of, why would a person persist in believing there is something to fear?
Welcome to your unconscious mind
The human mind consists of two completely separate systems:
- The rational mind, which is the logical part of our brain that thinks and judges the best course of action in terms of the best-known up-to-date facts.
- The central nervous system, which is the experiential part of our brain that predicts future expectations based entirely on past experiences.
The rational part of the brain may be calm and happy because it sees nothing to fear. The unconscious part of the brain is going exclusively by what it knows.
Someone who has built up a sense that relationships can be a source of pain or disappointment is likely to bring that to bear on how future relationships are approached, despite having no intention of doing so.
Rather than viewing relationships as typically positive and being inclined to give someone the benefit of the doubt, they are likely to approach relationships with unspoken apprehension and skepticism.
With that underlying negativity, it is understandable how small qualms turn into show-stoppers. When a person is wary of close relationships from the outset, it’s natural for them to take a dimmer view of how they’re likely to feel about entering one.
And, as the person plays out those hesitations, they are accumulating ever more negative experiences to reinforce the original underlying nervousness. It becomes a sad vicious cycle of suspicion and avoidance. As difficult as it may be, it is vital to break the cycle.
Fear contributes towards a vicious cycle, as the person plays out those hesitations, they are accumulating ever more negative experiences to reinforce the original underlying nervousness.
Why this affects relationships in particular
Many people struggle with the notion that they are being overly affected by fear, as they don’t see themselves as a generally fearful person. In their everyday lives, they feel able to make decisions and face down challenges. It therefore seems implausible to them that when it comes to dating, their reactions are powered by fear any more than another person.
As we have discussed in several articles, dating is quite different from most other processes people face during the course of their lives. People may experience struggles during dating that they would not experience in other parts of their life. Here’s the reason:
Dating is new – We know that novel situations can prove challenging. The reason why most people walk or write with such ease isn’t because of how easy it is to do those things – they are actually both complex and difficult – but because of how long we have been doing them for and how used to doing them we are. By comparison, dating is something we don’t usually have a whole life of experience doing. Also, each dating experience involves getting to know an entirely new person, and we are facing many unknowns.
Lots of unknowns – People vary in how comfortable they are with uncertainty, and dating brings plenty of that. The truth is that we are being called upon in shidduchim to make far-reaching predictions about how we will feel about someone, and how successful our relationship will be many years from now. The reality is that it isn’t possible to know this for sure. Even if we date someone extensively and get to know a tremendous amount about them, we have never been married to them, and inevitably, there is an unbridgeable knowledge gap. It is easy to see how one could be insecure about making a decision under such circumstances.
It’s permanent – Few decisions in life are as long-lasting and permanent as who we choose to marry. Many people, unsurprisingly, feel the momentousness of the decision weigh heavily on their shoulders. Making a mistake that will follow the person for the rest of their life seems extremely unappealing. If one is prone to focus on the worst-case-scenario rather than the best-case-scenario, there is plenty here to get stressed about.
It’s all-encompassing – There is virtually no other decision in life that is as broad and comprehensive as who we marry. While almost any other decision will affect part of our life, even much of our life, marriage encompasses pretty much everything about us from that day on. The magnitude of the decision is therefore enormous. If someone is inclined to become overwhelmed by big decisions, they don’t come bigger than this.
Super sensitive – Above all, forming a romantic bond touches on deeply sensitive areas of our brain – aspects of our personality that sit deep within us. That is why such relationships have the capacity to render us so happy, but also can make us especially afraid. The person we marry can be a source of untold comfort and love, but also a cause for deep pain and sorrow. Allowing oneself to be vulnerable in such a profound way can bring elation, but also fear.
Fear of this kind serves no good purpose
While the explanations above help clarify why there can be so much fear associated with dating, they also reveal why it is so harmful. The fear amplifies the risks and distracts you from the benefits. It drives you to be overly risk-averse, prioritizing avoiding short-term discomfort over pursuing lifelong happiness.
Just because the fear comes naturally doesn’t mean it is helpful. Remember that all people who are dating are facing the same conditions. They, too can’t be absolutely certain. They, too are making a far-reaching, all-encompassing decision. The consequences for them are no less than for you. It’s just that most people are wired to get swept up in the relationship, so long as they feel the shidduch is suitable.
In other words, for fear-prone people, dating feels very threatening, but it most likely is no higher risk for them than for others. Have faith in the process of dating and have confidence in the institution of marriage. Do your best to get to know the person you’re dating, but once you’ve done your hishtadlus, know that you are following in a long, and generally successful line of people who entered into loving and successful marriages.
