You had a good date. Easy conversation, good energy. But by the next morning, you’re feeling uneasy. “She speaks too much; I can’t imagine being married to such a person.” Or “I don’t admire him enough; I don’t think I can marry someone I don’t respect.”
You discuss your concern with others. They are understanding, but confused: “But the date went so well; why don’t you just go with the flow? Why don’t you enjoy the moment?” From their perspective, if the actual dates are enjoyable, how bad can it really be?
You feel they are not addressing your concern. You never said the dates were bad, you said that you are afraid that in the future you will be unhappy being in a relationship with this person. You worry that you are setting yourself up for failure, disappointment, and deep regret.
But you also accept that things are going pretty well, so why break it off now? You go on a few more dates, but the situation persists. The problem now is that the other party is getting closer and you feel the walls closing in on you. You start to panic: “This is crazy. Why am I letting this get out of hand? This is no joke; I need to put a stop to it now before it gets even more serious.”
Rule of thumb
Every dating situation is unique, and it is impossible to make a generalized statement about how to deal with a situation such as the one described above. This is something that needs to be carefully considered after taking sound advice.
Having said that, there is a reasonable starting point when it comes to such matters: Go with the facts. This means relying on everything you have been able to ascertain, instead of trusting the very fact that you are afraid of something turning out badly.
To be clear: Most likely, you met this person after someone you trust made the suggestion. In all likelihood, you did a fair amount of research to determine if the shidduch is suitable. Now you have met numerous times and, overall, it has been a positive experience. Based on what you learned from the time you spent together, this person is highly suitable. The many hours you have been on dates have overwhelmingly been enjoyable and productive.
If the sum total of all your knowledge and experiences adds up to a positive situation, that carries tremendous weight. The fact that you can’t shake off that angst is really unfortunate, but it is not a good predictor of the long-term outcomes. Everything you have seen and discovered during the dating process is a much more reliable basis for your decision.
The fact that you can’t shake off the angst is really unfortunate, but it’s not a good predictor of the long-term outcomes. Everything you discovered during dating is a more reliable basis.
Backwards
The reason why people are so willing to be influenced by fear, even in the face of so much evidence to the contrary, is that it truly seems to be the wiser thing to do. People who act on fear don’t think they are being irrational; quite the contrary, they are sure they are acting with the height of intelligence.
They are convinced that the reason they are afraid is that they are trying to be wise and responsible. For someone who is fear-oriented, the reality is typically the reverse: the reason they are trying to be wise is that they are afraid. It seems to make eminent sense to take risks seriously. It would appear the most logical thing is not to ignore impending danger. “Better be safe than sorry”, they feel. Ignoring their intuition seems like playing with fire.
But that is seeing things back to front, confusing cause and effect: Which comes first: The concern (a thought) or the fear (an emotion)? In most people, the concern comes first. But for someone affected by fear, it is usually the other way round. People caught up by fear are convinced that they are motivated by particular concerns, when in reality, they are entertaining those concerns because of the fear.
The consequences of fear
There is another major reason why fear has this powerful hold on people. It is because of the impact it has on their emotions and behaviors. It takes strong resolve to push back on these reactions and insist that they not be allowed to control what decisions are made.
Overreaction – Fear has the ability to make small issues be perceived as big threats. Just like if someone is tired, a small irritation can cause major upset. Or if I have a wound on my hand, a small slap can be excruciating. In a similar vein, when I am anxious about making a major decision, minor issues can be experienced as massive problems. You wouldn’t want to ignore a massive problem, would you?! And so, it seems reasonable to back away.
Shutting down – People will struggle to be themselves during dating. They may not fully give themselves, nor fully accept others. They may not enjoy dates and interpret that as an indication that they are dating the wrong person. Often this isn’t the case. Or they may give off an impression of indifference and distance, which discourages the other from investing in developing the relationship. The fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Withdrawal – Classically, fear leads to removing oneself from the threat. The person will often identify some seemingly good reason to withdraw, when it is driven really by fear. Also, a person may simply regard the intense feelings of discomfort as proof that the shidduch is not suitable. It is understandable that someone would want to avoid danger or harm, and if that is how the shidduch is feeling, why should we be surprised if someone seeks to back away?!
Procrastination – Some people react to the dilemma by avoiding a decision. They don’t feel ready to walk away because the dating is going so well. But they are also unwilling to move forward because of fear. It may seem to such a person that remaining in a holding pattern is the most sensible option. Of course, delaying a decision for no good reason is neither ethical nor functional. Nonetheless, when gripped by fear, that may seem an appealing option.
Clarity
If this sounds like it could be happening to you, it is vital that you take a stand. If you are unsure, speak to someone who can help you figure this out.
Systematically evaluate if the person you are dating is genuinely suitable. Ask yourself: “Is the thing that is taking such a hold on my brain truly something that would undo all the positive qualities?” More importantly, ask yourself: “Is it realistic to imagine that the thing that I worry so much about is of greater significance than the quality of communication and interaction that I have enjoyed over the course of this shidduch?”
If the answer to both of those questions is no, then the fear you’re feeling is likely just an exaggerated “what if.” And in that case, the real risk isn’t what you’re afraid of—it’s missing out on a meaningful, lifelong relationship. The real danger is letting a great opportunity for a strong marriage pass you by. Most likely, that fear will fade away, and what will remain is the solid foundation for a successful and fulfilling marriage.
The focus should shift from whether you should pursue the shidduch to a successful conclusion to learning how to manage your fear and not let it impede your road to relationship success.
“Trust the facts. Get support. Don’t let fear steal your future.”
