People can want a relationship and be afraid of it at the same time. Individuals with a fearful attachment orientation are prone to panic when things become serious. Knowing this can really help.
Many people who are affected by intense worry and nervousness as a shidduch progresses are likely to start questioning the suitability of the shidduch. The logic seems impeccable: If this person was genuinely suitable, why would there be so much emotional distress. After all, shouldn’t a person be overjoyed at having met the right one?!
While most people’s minds generate only moderate levels of caution that are overtaken by high levels of positivity, other people have minds that produce immense fear. Such amounts of fear will overwhelm any affection or attraction, leaving the person deeply uncomfortable. In other words, most people underestimate the power of fear and how it can take over a person’s mind.
So deep can be this discomfort that you would want to make it go away at all costs, even at the price of ending an otherwise suitable relationship. But, of course, this achieves nothing, as the cycle is likely to repeat itself again and again. It is also a great shame, as a great shidduch was sabotaged by something baseless.
The Anatomy of Fear
It is essential to understand that for some people, there can be nothing wrong with the shidduch and they can still be overcome by fear. There is plenty of room for extreme levels of apprehension simply because of the magnitude of the decision being made. The basic anatomy of fear is that it does not need to be based on anything real. Often, fear is simply for fear’s sake.
There is a widespread notion that “there’s no smoke without fire,” meaning that if there is a high level of concern it must be caused by something. Luckily, when it comes to fear this is untrue. Just like there is such a concept as “baseless hate” (sinas chinam, Talmud, Yoma 9b), there is also such a thing as “baseless fear.” What is so astonishing is how many relationships are ended because of fear that has no substance to back it up.
Fear doesn’t seek permission before commencing its takeover job of your brain. It doesn’t need permission, and it doesn’t ask questions. The fear acts with great urgency and determination to protect you from harm. The fear stems from an exaggerated sense of self-protection, an overzealous and over-eager impulse to keep you away from a bad situation. But the problem with fear is that it can be undiscerning, shielding you from good and bad relationships alike.
The fear isn’t protecting you; it is overwhelming you. Due to the panic and distress it causes, it disables you from being able to think calmly and to see things clearly. It shuts down your mind, and it shuts down your heart. Now, you are unable to think straight, nor to feel right. Instead, you are overtaken by a sense of foreboding – often with little to no justification.
Gaining clarity
The better thing is to ask meaningful questions that cut through the fear and focus on reality: Is this really a suitable shidduch? Is it in line with the qualities being sought? Do we do well together as a couple? If the answer to these questions is overwhelmingly in the affirmative, then the fear is almost certainly nothing more than fear for fear’s sake.
Know, therefore, that how much you fear something has no bearing on how great the risk of something happening is. Despite the fear, if the compatibility is strong, there is every likelihood that this shidduch will result in a happy and successful marriage. Since there is no actual basis for the fear, nothing untoward is likely to happen. Fear can rarely outlast exposure.
Fear is most effective because it masquerades as something it isn’t. It presents itself as protecting you from a real danger. This is often not the case. Understand that the fear is an exaggerated self-protectiveness, and that it’s not necessarily based on something real. The truth is the best answer to baseless fear.
Understand that the fear is an exaggerated self-protectiveness and that it’s not necessarily based on something real.
With this realization, it’s important not to allow something so imaginary to control a major life decision. It isn’t always easy to make the fear entirely disappear. But with clarity about its real nature, its hold on the person can be greatly weakened. With a better understanding of the anatomy of fear, you can control it, instead of it controlling you. “Be strong and of good courage for Hashem will be with you” (Yehoshua 1:9).
