Shani was holding at six dates. Things checked off. She had few complaints. The problem was that she felt virtually no connection. Date after date, her feelings remained flat. As a result, she didn’t look forward to dates, knowing that she’d be confronted with this emptiness.
She just felt something was missing, although she couldn’t quite put her finger on what it exactly was. She always dreamed of having the high and thrill of meeting ‘the one’, but she lacked that feeling. She pushed herself to keep going, but she now feels that she is wasting her time and leading him on.
She was ready to walk away when someone encouraged her to seek advice. She was very skeptical, but she decided to give it a shot. What she discovered was a game-changer: She learned that not everyone develops connection or falls in love the same way.
Some people don’t fall in love quickly. They grow in love over time. It’s just how they are wired. They tend to have very close relationships, but with people they have meaningful dealings or an established association (such as family and friends).
While most people react quickly and intensely to meeting someone they really like and are compatible with, some people’s emotions develop gradually through being in an actual relationship. The reasons for this may vary, but the bottom line is that the strength of their feelings doesn’t match the quality of the relationship.
That hit home for Shani. This was the third time she had met someone great, but then got stuck on the feelings part. She realized that this is unlikely to be a coincidence. There was a clear pattern. [There’s a lot more information about this here.]
So, walking away every time didn’t make sense. This could just keep happening, and she wasn’t okay with that. Knowing this about herself made a huge difference. She could now see things for what they really were: an internal struggle she had, and not an issue with the shidduch.
She was able to see how the lack of feelings was something she needed to learn how to work around, not something that should control her dating.
“Some people don’t fall in love quickly. They grow in love over time. It’s just how they are wired. The strength of their feelings doesn’t match the quality of the relationship.”
But what was she to do? How’s she supposed to go forward with a relationship when she’s not feeling it?
Shani’s coach gave her a framework called The Three Cs: Clarity, Connection, and Communication.
Clarity
She took steps to gain a high degree of clarity about whether there was satisfactory compatibility by evaluating the quality of the relationship. She focused on identifying whether this shidduch has the qualities that make for a successful marriage by asking herself questions like:
- Do we share core values and goals?
- Do we communicate and interact well?
- Do we both feel a sense of trust and respect?
- Is there a good level of mutual attraction?
Her responses to these types of questions were positive. That gave her a strong level of conviction and the confidence that it was the right relationship for her. She also took the DateWell Compatibility Test, which showed that she considered the person she was dating highly suited to her priorities and needs. [More on compatibility here.]
Connection
She learned ways to build the emotional connection, rather than waiting for it to just happen. While using more affectionate communication is difficult when one isn’t ‘feeling it’, Shani recognized that the quality of the relationship warranted more complimenting. She also took steps to openly discuss a future together, even though that felt like a stretch for her. Her coach also advised the person she was dating to organize a range of other activities that can contribute towards overcoming the barrier to greater closeness. All those things helped to shift the needle and move things forward emotionally.
She knew that even with those efforts, it wouldn’t give her the full level of emotionality that she wanted, but it helped her to feel ready to move forward. Those connection-building activities helped to get to a level of closeness that she needed. It established a level of connection that was closer to what she was hoping for, and she could see that things were trending in a positive direction. [More on building connection here.]
Communication
Shani realized that she could not do this on her own. Indeed, that is what a relationship is for. She needed to find the words to properly communicate what she was struggling with and why. By sharing what was going on inside her head with her date, she could work together through this challenge. She was quite apprehensive at first, but openly discussing it with the guy took the weight off her shoulders. Now that she wasn’t facing this alone and was teaming up her date with to make things work meant that she got the support she needed.
Sharing what she was experiencing also helped to avoid misunderstanding. He was better able to stay with the program and be supportive, rather than getting confused and frustrated. Seeing how well he reacted also gave Shani a positive feeling, and made her even surer that she could be happy with him.
Success over comfort
Even after the Three Cs, making the decision to get engaged wasn’t easy for Shani. She lost a fair amount of sleep over it. Now that she’s married, she can see that it was what she needed to do. She realized that we all find happiness in different ways, but the outcome can be just as wonderful.
Conclusion
In sum: The Three Cs are a framework to help if you or the person you are dating is struggling with developing feelings: Clarity is about how you can gain the certainty whether the relationship should proceed. Connection is about how you can deepen the emotional feelings. Communication is how to successfully work through this with your date.
If you feel you are dating someone suitable but the emotional connection is lacking, the framework of the Three Cs can offer clarity and a path forward.
The Three Cs: Clarity, Connection, and Communication
A practical framework for navigating dating with more confidence and direction.
1. Clarity: Understand the Core Compatibility
Before moving forward in a dating relationship, it’s important to gain clarity on whether this match has the foundation for long-term success. Ask yourself reflective questions like:
- Do we share core values and life goals?
- Do we communicate and interact well?
- Do we both feel a sense of trust and respect?
- Is there a good level of mutual attraction?
Use these questions to assess the overall quality of the relationship, not just how you feel in the moment. If you’re not sure how to evaluate compatibility, consider using tools like the DateWell Compatibility Test or speaking with a dating mentor or coach for outside perspective.
2. Connection: Take Active Steps to Build Emotional Closeness
Don’t wait for emotional connection to magically appear—help it grow. You can:
- Use warm, affectionate communication, even if it doesn’t come naturally at first.
- Offer genuine compliments or affirmations when something feels right.
- Bring up future-oriented topics to help visualize life together.
- Vary your date activities—different settings can unlock different sides of the connection.
These actions help bridge the emotional gap and move the relationship forward, even if you’re still not “100% feeling it.” It’s about building the closeness you need to feel comfortable taking the next step.
3. Communication: Don’t Struggle Alone—Talk It Through
Relationships thrive when both people understand what’s really going on. If you’re facing doubts, confusion, or discomfort, find the words to share it honestly and respectfully.
- Let your dating partner in on your thought process.
- Explain what you’re working through and why.
- Reassure them that you’re committed to figuring things out together.
Being vulnerable can feel scary, but it often leads to deeper understanding and support. When both people are involved in navigating the challenge, you’re no longer carrying the burden alone.
