A common scenario is where two people have several okay dates, but the dating is stuck. Either one party or both parties feel that it is not going anywhere. Now the question is: should they keep going or quit?
In terms of compatibility things line up pretty well. On most parameters, compatibility is good. They communicate well and get along with each other. On appearance, there is also no major problem. Yet, for all of the positives, one or both party feel that after several dates the relationship is not progressing. So, the question arises what to do.
On the one hand, “on paper” this match has great potential. After all, both parties agree that there is nothing really wrong with it. On the other hand, it feels like they are treading water. What is the point going through more dead-end dates, when the last couple of dates only resulted in frustration?
So, again the way it is presented, there are two options: continue as is and hope something changes (even though it hasn’t so far), or cut one’s losses and not “throw good money after bad.”
A third option: Help them get unstuck
The main point of this article is to question why so many people think that those are the two options. There is, in reality, a third option that is so often overlooked. What about helping those dating to become unstuck? Sticking it out due to sheer perseverance or quitting out of frustration and despair are not the only options.
We need to see a situation arise where the go-to option in such circumstances is to ask why if there is strong suitability is there also such a struggle. It is true that in maybe half the cases, the answer is a disappointing “that’s just how it is.” Sometimes it just doesn’t come together. Dating is half art and half science; so, it is possible that despite the mechanics being right, the magic just doesn’t arrive.
But that leaves the other half of the time that there is an entirely comprehensible reason why things are stuck, and in most such cases it is possible to get around the issue. Yet, seldom is a serious effort made to figure this out, or to do anything about it. The net result is that the shidduch disintegrates and the struggling party is left to repeat the same struggle time and time again.
This isn’t the place to list all the various reasons why people can get stuck. However, let us be clear that we are not talking about serious psychological issues. The things that we are referring to relate to certain expectations or mentalities, which can be overcome through a basic level of self-awareness combined with acquiring some modest new dating or relationship-building skills.
A big part of the reason why we are not addressing the reasons people are stuck is because most people have little understanding of how easily people can get stuck during dating. Many people seem ready to believe that one or both parties is “just not feeling it” over there being an actual issue. We would be helping a great many people if we would be willing to focus on offering daters access to helpful advice when things are not going to plan.
