People are often bewildered as to why a seemingly promising shidduch falls apart. If the person saw so many positive qualities in the other, why are they struggling to move forward? How is it that things started off so well, yet they later experience strong resistance?
This happens very commonly, and there is more than one possible reason for this. But when this occurs, it is vital to first try to understand what is going on before deciding that the shidduch won’t work. One obvious explanation is that some new, less positive information has come to light—but that’s by no means the only one.
A key reason why people will undergo this experience during dating is because they have a more complicated personality. This means that their character consists of two (occasionally more) distinct personalities – and those personalities pull in opposing directions. Those two sides of their character are looking for different and not always easily matched qualities.
It’s entirely possible for someone to start off feeling positive about a shidduch—driven by one part of themselves—only to later experience pushback from another part. They may feel torn, conflicted, and confused because one side of their character is at peace with the shidduch, while another side is not.
Some people are torn, conflicted, and confused, because one side of their character is happy with the shidduch, while another side is not okay with it.
What you don’t know can hurt you
Rarely are people aware of their internal complexities, and therefore have no idea how this could be affecting the way they respond to shidduchim. So many people say that they don’t know what to do with themselves, as they are at a loss to make sense of what they really want, or what they should do about a particular shidduch.
It is often the case in these situations that each side of themselves has a different reaction. The shidduch is literally pulling them apart. No wonder their head hurts and their nerves are frayed. They say “I don’t know what I want” when there is no single “I”, but a multiple “we.” That is how it is possible to both want something and not want it at the same time.
If this is the case, it is likely to keep repeating itself. We need to be smarter about how we deal with this to save people a great deal of needless aggravation. We need to be doing a lot more figuring things out, and a lot less walking away.
Are there actually two of you dating? Why you may be perpetually dissatisfied
