Some people obsessively question their feelings and attraction, analyzing and doubting the suitability of a shidduch. This never leads to better decisions.
Some people are overthinkers. They are rarely done deliberating. At most, they take breaks in their analyzing before resuming their examination with gusto. One round of consideration is typically a precursor to another round. Overthinkers struggle with sufficiency; for them, no amount of thinking is ever enough.
While overthinkers tend to overthink everything, it can become especially debilitating when it comes to marriage. This is for two mutually-reinforcing reasons: One – marriage is a major decision with profound and broad ramifications. As overthinking is driven by a desperation to avoid errors, this is one decision that everyone would agree is important to get right.
Overthinking does not lead to better decisions. It leads to no decisions.
Two – Deciding who to marry is genuinely complicated. There are a wide variety of factors to consider, which can be bewildering. It can be difficult to know which factors to prioritize and when to compromise. This only adds to the confusion. It is often unclear whether to trust one’s instincts and whose advice to follow. So, the overthinker has a lot here to overthink.
Even a person who is not a chronic overthinker can get caught in the loop of continual uncertainty. Some people feel they lack the tools or the clarity to make a decision of this magnitude, and so become sucked into a state of overthinking. Some face a meaningful choice on a matter of some importance, and feel unable to gain peace of mind. Others experience high levels of anxiety and, in their distress, find themselves endlessly questioning things.
The Trap of Endless Deliberation
Once a person engages in overthinking, there is no end. They start to question whether they really are attracted to the other. They thought they were, but now they aren’t so sure. They begin to question if the relationship is good. It’s not that there’s something majorly wrong, but they question whether there is sufficient chemistry. “Come to think of it”, says the overthinker, “perhaps the communication isn’t so great either, because I am finding myself occasionally bored.”
It’s important to understand that there is a vast difference between thinking and overthinking. In fact, they are opposites. Thinking is designed to help you make a decision; overthinking is designed to prevent you from making a decision. Thinking is intended to help you gain clarity; overthinking guarantees that you never achieve clarity. Thinking leads you to do things that reduce the chances of a mistake; overthinking directs you to avoid mistakes by doing nothing.
In short, thinking helps you make a better decision, whereas overthinking ensures that you make no decision. Thinking is vital for effective dating; overthinking makes it impossible to have effective dating.
It is therefore vital to understand that overthinking does not lead to better decisions. It leads to no decisions. Once you have thought it through, asked all the relevant questions, and discussed things with a sound advisor, any additional thinking is superfluous and dysfunctional.
Just like a cake can be left too long in the oven, a shidduch can drag out beyond reason. You know it is time to stop when all you are doing is endlessly rehashing the same things. Redoing the same thing gets you nowhere. It isn’t being extra careful, but being careless about the damage caused to a promising relationship.
Whether there is a need for continued deliberation should not be judged by how urgently or sincerely you feel the need for it, but by whether it is leading to something constructive. Once it becomes apparent that the ongoing contemplation isn’t achieving greater clarity, it is time to stop subjecting the shidduch to a death by a thousand thoughts.
If you are an overthinker, it is exceedingly hard to break out of the cycle on your own. Your mind is wired to stop you from doing so. Seek whatever help you can to free yourself of this debilitating frame of mind, so you can make a decision.
