Benny and Leah are a great couple. They really enjoy each other’s company, laugh together, and have similar life aspirations. Everything seems to line up perfectly.
Life goals? Check.
Family background? Check.
Upbringing? Check.
Religious levels? Compatible enough.
But then comes the conversation about work-life balance, and suddenly, a crack forms in their compatibility.
Benny always envisioned that his children’s mother would be home when they returned from school. He feels strongly that his wife should be there for the kids during after-school hours.
Leah, on the other hand, dreams of building her business. She chose a career that could work around her children’s schedules, but she sees herself as a professional woman who won’t drop a client at the last minute or fail to attend an important business meeting.
This isn’t a minor difference. It touches on identity, vision, and values. This might make them wonder: Are we really compatible if we want different things?
At this point, it may be tempting to ask: “Shouldn’t I look for someone who’s totally aligned with what I want?”
If all else is well
If so much aligns, it’s worth exploring whether—and how—the relationship can work. It’s not about forcing things, but about having a correct understanding of compatibility.
Yes, similarity is at the heart of compatibility, but that doesn’t mean that every single detail has to match up. If something is a deal breaker, then by all means move on, but compatibility is generally about overall suitability—not perfect matching.
So, when faced with a difference and trying to determine what to do, we present this formula:
- If there is
- strong compatibility (similarity) in other areas, and
- high mutual liking (chemistry) and great communication,
- The best way to come to a successful conclusion is
- for each party to clarify their priority, and
- make allowances concerning the less salient aspects.
If, in general, the relationship is excellent, then there is a strong incentive and reason to put in every effort to work out how to enable it to continue.
By contrast, if there were a range of dissimilarities or the quality of the relationship wasn’t especially good, then this becomes yet another area of difference. If so, the reason to try to work out a solution becomes much less compelling.
Integratability
This concept may also be called “intergratability”, meaning to find a way to make the relationship work for both parties. In the area in question – the role of the mother towards her children – each would secure the crucial factor that is of greatest importance to them, and each would also forgo some of the lesser details of what they had expected and what they preferred.
In other words, neither would get everything exactly as they wanted, but both would get the really important aspects of what they wanted.
Considering that so much else about the relationship works overall, both parties would emerge as winners.
Had Benny and Leah been unable to find “integration” and could not agree on a plan that enabled each to protect the aspect most crucial to them, then indeed, the relationship may not be able to proceed.
In the example above, Benny is particularly sensitive to his wife prioritizing the children, and Leah is willing to commit to that. Leah wishes to see herself as a professional woman, and Benny is willing to be flexible under extenuating circumstances.
Neither Benny nor Leah got everything exactly as they wanted, but they were able to secure the part that was most crucial to them.
Compromise?
Compromise is often seen as a problematic term. But used appropriately, it is entirely legitimate. Neither Benny nor Leah is giving up on their most cherished principles, but are making adjustments to how they imagined things.
Compromise is often seen in a negative light—after all, why should anyone “settle” when it comes to something as important as choosing a life partner? But compromise isn’t the opposite of getting it right. On the contrary, it’s often how you get it right.
Compromise isn’t the opposite of getting it right. On the contrary, it’s often how you get it right.
Maybe the gap between them is insurmountable, but that should be judged based on a patient and mature effort to think things through, not based on a false notion that if things don’t fall into place easily that something is wrong with the shidduch. True compatibility includes how you navigate and integrate your differences. You’re creating a life that honors who you both are.
Sticking to the values, working out the practice
It may be that Benny and Leah don’t need to choose between his way or her way. They don’t need to settle or give up what matters to them, even if they will need to make an effort to accommodate each other. Being flexible is a central and inevitable part of all marriage, and not something to avoid during dating either.
Having an ‘integration’ conversation during dating gives you a glimpse into how you’ll handle the harder moments in marriage. It’s a window into your future decision-making, flexibility, and communication skills.
It is perfectly reasonable to walk away from a relationship that doesn’t add up. (Even then, the conversation still served a purpose by helping you gain clarity.) What is much less reasonable is to give up too easily on a great relationship because an area of difference has emerged. Compatibility isn’t about instant agreement. You are no less suitable because it took time and effort to figure things out. It isn’t about how easy things are, but how ultimately successful they are.
You have been successful at solving the issue when:
- Both people felt truly heard and respected
- You both feel ownership of the plan
- No one feels like they “lost”
- You feel more emotionally connected afterward
Communication is key
There is no relationship in which good communication isn’t a vital necessity. Navigating differences is going to test whether you have the quality of communication on which great marriages are built. If you are able to work through a significant issue and come out feeling good about the outcome and the state of your relationship, know that you have just confirmed a key ingredient in marital success.
In working through an area of difference, keep a close eye on the communication:
- Can you talk about what matters to you without being shut down?
- Can you stay curious, respectful, and open about each other’s point of view?
- Can you say, “How can we make this work?” instead of “This will never work.”?
By exploring differences with curiosity, respect, and openness, couples like Benny and Leah have the chance to create something meaningful. So, the next time you hit a bump in your dating, ask together: “How might we integrate this difference into our shared life?”
Use language and tone that reflects:
- Curiosity: “Let’s explore this together.”
- Respect: “Your perspective matters too.”
- Optimism: “We can probably find something that works.”
- Open-mindedness: “Let’s see what could be possible between us.”
- Non-defensiveness: “We’re not arguing; we’re co-creating.”
Using phrases like “How would we…” or “How might we…” invites collaboration. It shifts the tone from defending your way to co-creating something new.
Try:
- “How could we make this work?”
- “What might our version of this look like?”
- “How could we hold both of our values in this?”
By focusing on integratability and exploring differences with curiosity, respect, and openness, you have the chance to create a relationship that blends your individual perspectives into something new and beautiful.
