Many daters ask themselves: “Do I feel strongly enough about the person I’m dating?” In trying to figure this out, we often hear mention of the concept of “hamshachas halev”. What does it mean and how does it work in practice?
At a basic level, it means that a person needs to feel drawn to the person they are thinking of marrying. It is not appropriate to decide to marry someone purely on the basis that they have certain suitable qualities. Marriage needs to be based on a relationship, and this means it cannot depend only on technical considerations. It also, therefore, means that a person should not marry someone they have no real interest in or attraction to on the basis that those feelings will come after marriage.
Assessing the right level of connection
On the other hand, it is also clear that it does not mean that a person can only get married if they are madly in love. There needs to be some hamshachas halev, enough to indicate that the potential is there for much more. In fact, the letter from the Lubavitcher Rebbe often directs those dating to see if there is a spark of interest or degree of attraction that would suggest what the future is likely to hold. But why would a person suffice with some level of hamshachas halev and not find someone instead towards whom they can have passionate feelings?
Everyone feels ‘hamshachas halev’ differently.
The individual experience of Hamshachas Halev
This is where we get to the essence of the matter. People vary in how they experience the forming of romantic relationships. While most people will, thankfully, find it very easy to generate high levels of unbridled enthusiasm if they meet someone suitable, others will have a more muted reaction. There is no real reason to be concerned if you feel that your level of passion does not match that of your friends, as not everyone is wired the same way.
But some people will find that whomever they meet, they just don’t generate the level of excitement and attraction that they hope for. It is very possible that this is because of a feature of their unique personality. As explained across the chapters of this book, a not small number of people will find it difficult to feel comfortable with some aspect of dating. One of the key ways their struggle will play itself out is in how well they connect with the person they’re dating. How then can we remotely expect that hamshachas halev will mean exactly the same thing to everyone?
Since everyone is unique, the concept of hamshachas halev has to be tailored to each individual. It is as much a universal concept as ahavas Hashem or limmud hatorah – each person will approach it in accordance with their capacities and their unique circumstances.
For some individuals, establishing connections with others is a challenge due to various complexities or anxieties. For them, the concept of hamshachas halev may manifest as the ability to engage in long, fruitful dates. Spending extended hours with someone isn’t a simple feat. It takes a genuine fondness for another to sustain such extensive interaction. Typically, over-familiarity can lead to negative feelings.
Most people would find it intensely uncomfortable to spend dozens of hours with another person over such a short time period. Thus, if that doesn’t happen and the connection remains positive, it signifies something uniquely constructive is at play.
Similarly, some individuals find it difficult to open up. Talking about themselves feels like a daunting task. Therefore, if such individuals manage to lower their guard and express their true selves during the dating process, it also exemplifies a form of hamshachas halev.
