If you are prone to experience struggles during dating, I propose a four-point plan to help you gain clarity and stay on track. This plan will assist you in establishing and sticking to priorities, even when experiencing emotional overload. The four-point plan involves:
- Creating a clear list of priorities in a partner
- Sticking to these priorities when considering matches
- Actively engaging in dates with preparation and commitment
- Persevering through challenges.
Here is a short explanation of each stage:
Step 1: Set clear priorities
It is particularly important to set out a rigorous list of priorities that you are looking for, to help you evaluate the suitability of potential matches more objectively and rationally.
Your list will increase your conviction that you are dating someone suitable and motivate you to make the extra effort that dating may require from you (step three). It will also help you stay on track when the resistances kick in and you start to struggle (step four). Once completed and signed off, this list of priorities needs to be treated as authoritative and binding.
Dedicate sufficient time and effort to create a list that is 1) detailed (specific, not broad generalizations) 2) comprehensive (thorough, including all aspects that are important to you) and 3) exclusive (means that anything not on the list will be treated as non-essential).
Step 2: Stick to your priorities
Look to date people who match your priorities, and don’t reject suggestions that meet your criteria. If a shidduch idea is proposed and you are unenthusiastic about it due to something that is not listed as a priority, you can ask yourself whether that issue should be on your priority list. But then understand that other priorities may get downgraded or eliminated altogether.
Your guide should be the level of suitability. You should continue to date if the person is largely compatible with your list, even if you struggle with a lack of enthusiasm.
Step 3: Invest yourself fully
Expect to experience some resistance. Don’t back away. Going along with your natural instincts is not a great idea in this instance. Rather, display a strong commitment to the dating process.
First, come to each date as ready as possible. Dating may be a struggle, even if there is real potential. Therefore, come prepared with questions, topics, and activities, to increase your chances of having a productive date.
Second, recognize the potential for you to feel distant or distracted and to want to (subconsciously) pull back at some point during the dating process. Engage fully through good eye contact, positive body language, energetic verbal interactions, and compliments as appropriate.
Step 4: Stick with it
It is still entirely possible that you will struggle, thinking:
“I can’t point to any major problem, but I’m just not feeling it.”
“I know I’ve been dating this person for a while, but I just don’t feel ready.”
“I can’t put my finger on exactly what, but I have this uneasy feeling that I can’t shake off.”
People who struggle with internal barriers are highly prone to feeling this way. It is important that you don’t capitulate to those uncomfortable feelings.
So long as the criteria on the lists are met and the quality of the relationship is strong, the reason for your uneasiness is most likely nothing to do with the issues with your dating partner or the relationship. So, don’t question your relationship. Instead, seek out ways to manage your stress.
If the person you are dating is suitable, you need to stick with the shidduch come what may. Quitting is not an option. There is no point in you replacing your dating partner, as they are not the problem. Instead of looking for a way out, focus on how you are going to get through this process (and do your best to stay sane).
