Zelda had been dating Dovid for over a month. Dating had been steady and productive. Dovid felt that they had covered pretty much every major topic and there wasn’t much that dating had left to offer, and that it was time to take things to the next level. Zelda, by contrast, felt that “before I could move towards marriage, I need to be friends with the person.”
Zelda’s solution? To move towards a more casual dating format, just to develop the friendship. Once that was established, she’d look to get serious. Dovid was not into that at all. “I’m not looking for a best friend; I’m looking for a wife.” In his view, if they make a good husband and wife, then they should get on with it. So, what is the role of friendship in deciding who to marry?
Best friend?
Most marriages involve a deep friendship. Many people say that their spouse is their best friend. There is no question that a marriage that is also a great friendship is ideal. But, we need to understand some key things about friendship to properly understand its relationship to marriage:
Friendships take time – Most romantic relationships blossom quickly. Two people who have never set eyes upon each other can become romantically attached in a very short time period, which is rare when it comes to friendships. Yes, there is an expression “fast friends”, but the word “fast” has nothing to do with speed. Rather, the word “fast” can also mean strong (hence a “fastener”). Friendship normally grows slowly. The reason for this is…
Friendships are based around real life – Acquaintanceships turn into friendship in large part through spending a lot of time together. Most friendships grew out of life circumstances that brought those people into meaningful association such as school mates, sports fans, neighbors, and the like. Which is why…
Friendships typically surround mutual interests – Most friendships grow due to people having some significant interest in common. It is those things in common that brought the friends together and kept them together. Which is why when those commonalities diverge, the friendship often withers. Of course, there are numerous exceptions to the rule, but it is a rule nonetheless.
For many people, friendship is what comes through marriage, not what leads you to marriage.
None of the above is true when it comes to marriage. Which is why it isn’t advisable to bring the logic of friendships into decisions about dating. When it comes to romantic connections, time is not the primary factor in how strongly the two people become attached. In fact, it’s often dizzyingly fast.
Likewise, there is minimal connection between life circumstances and romantic relationships. Few people get married to people they were in school with, or people on their street. It is based far more on shared values, compatible life goals, and physical attraction.
Similarly, while mutual interest can draw together romantic partners, that is not a central reason for people to decide to form a life partnership. People often spend a lifetime of happiness together despite having few shared interests.
What really matters
While friendship can add to reasons for marriage, it isn’t essential. Even when it exists, its part in making the decision to marry is modest. What matters most is forming a warm, caring, supportive relationship. What matters is ensuring you share important values and goals. What matters is a conviction that he or she would make a suitable spouse and parent. What matters is a sufficient level of emotional connection and physical attraction.
The friendship will come in time, as you spend more time together and work out how to meld your lives into one. It will emerge from the common life you create: your home, your plans, your children, and so on. Your friendship will blossom through the many hours of closeness you will share together. But the friendship you’ll enjoy with your spouse will most likely be different from your other friendships. That is because it is nothing like those other friendships.
In short: For many people, friendship is what comes through marriage, not what leads you to marriage.
