There are two broad ways of getting married in the modern world. One is what I call modern dating. You meet someone, you enjoy their company. You want to spend time with them. You become a friend. There’s typically a friendship stage before the marriage stage gets spoken about. And if that friendship developed into marriage, everyone would be very happy, but that’s not the immediate focus of the dating. The first thing on their mind is, “Do I enjoy their company? Do I like their friendship?” In this approach, even if it is clear that the person they are dating isn’t a suitable marriage partner, they may still hold onto the relationship.
By contrast, traditional or shidduch dating, I call “dating with purpose.” Even though there’s a spectrum of exactly how people go about shidduch dating, they have one thing in common: they’re marriage minded. The first question they will ask is: “Is there a potential here to make a marriage out of this?” Therefore, that’s the entire way the dating is approached. You wouldn’t meet the person unless you felt the answer was yes. And you would only continue meeting because the answer continues to be in the affirmative.
In shidduch dating, the desire for marriage is not some distant ultimate intention; it is the governing principle that shapes and drives every choice along the way.
The fundamental feature of dating for marriage is what comes first: An interest in the possibility of marriage to a particular person which gives rise to dating in order to form a relationship. In shidduch dating, the desire for marriage is not some distant ultimate intention; it’s the governing principle that shapes and drives every choice along the way.
Who you choose to date
In shidduch dating, the dating process does not begin on the first date, but well before that. It starts with a mature regard for marriage, the work and commitment it entails. Once someone determines that they are serious about marriage they can embark on the “dating with purpose” process.
A key part of being ready for dating for marriage is to have clarity about what you are looking for in a life partner. You can read more about this topic here.
In dating for marriage, you do not judge compatibility primarily or exclusively based on how much you enjoy spending time with the other. The fun factor may be appropriate for a comparatively small minority of people, for whom the social aspect of a relationship is paramount, but it is not a basis for forming a relationship for most people. Having a fun time with someone is not anywhere near sufficient basis for forming a long-term relationship.
Choosing a suitable partner for a casual date is very different from searching for a life partner – yet many people chase the latter as if they were pursuing the former: for example, they select their date based on how exciting or charismatic they are, rather than on how emotionally stable or serious about settling down they are.
Of course, most people would much rather that the whole dating experience is exciting and super enjoyable – and luckily this is exactly what happens for most people. But it is not the reason for dating, and its absence isn’t at its core a reason to discontinue dating.
You may be the type of person for whom dating isn’t particularly easy – and that will make the process more challenging for you – but if that is the case it most probably means that having a hard time is not a reason to quit. Shidduch dating is animated by motivation to choose a spouse, and that end goal is the overriding consideration.
When you stop dating
In dating with purpose, you are dating because you believe there is a possibility that it could result in marriage. If upon meeting the person it becomes clear that there is no way in the world it is going to work out, then the dating process draws to a close. Similarly, the interaction is terminated if it becomes clear that marriage is not intended by either or both parties. There’s no place for keeping things going on a friendship basis.
For example, say you have already committed to living in Israel for the rest of your life and she’s absolutely not planning to move from Canada – somehow there had been a mighty misunderstanding – clearly it is not going to end in marriage. In dating for marriage, you would not say “I guess this isn’t going to work as a marriage, but we both enjoyed each other’s company, so as I’m making aliya in three months, I’ll keep meeting until I leave to Israel.”
In shidduch dating, you are strictly marriage-minded, and your dating is exclusively with that purpose in mind. You would only date the person if you felt it could result in marriage. Once it’s clear that it won’t, you end it.
When it’s time to commit
Just as you end dating if it’s clear that it won’t end in marriage, so you end the dating if it’s clear that it will end in marriage. If both parties are ready to commit to marriage, the relationship is formalized.
Once all of your questions are answered, you are done dating. No doubt there will be many things you will want to know about the other before deciding to get married; but the list is ultimately finite. At some point, you will most likely have secured all that information. If you are satisfied with your findings, there is nothing more to do in the dating process, and it’s time to move on to marriage.
In dating with purpose, there is no place for dating for dating’s sake. Once all your concerns are satisfactorily settled, your dating journey is completed. Now it’s time to get married, because you’re only dating to find out if the person is suitable for marriage. Once the answer is yes, why are you dating? So, you stop immediately and you get engaged.
What you do on dates
Dating is a means to an end; therefore, you do things during dating that bring you closer to your goal. You don’t do things during dating because they’re comfortable, but because they’re effective.
The most important thing when you’re dating is not “being yourself,” to be as authentic as possible. If you want to be authentic, go to an art class! When you’re going on a date, you’re going to build something. You’re trying to establish something. Ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing going to contribute towards successful end?”
You may want to say something because you think it’s funny, but if it’s likely to undermine trust or it’s likely to push him away or alienate her, don’t do it. You’re not on a date to express yourself; you’re there to achieve a goal.
Just to be clear: you should be your real self on date, and not fake being something you’re not. But that is very different from putting a premium on being as authentic as possible, even when that is going to undermine your chances of dating success.
To illustrate, let’s say your normal style is to dress in a hoodie and slacks. So, you go on your first date dressed all chilled. You reason that you would not want her to think that you normally go around all dressed up. Instead, you show up to the date dressed in whatever you would normally walk around in. That would be a terrible idea. It would show a lack of respect and give off entirely the wrong signal.
In this instance, the woman you are going to meet almost certainly also would normally dress more casually. But she’s coming on a date and is making more of an effort to show that this is important to her. In other words, dating is a show. It is a performance.
Over the duration of the dating, you will have a chance to show more of your true self. But that doesn’t mean to say you should act on a date like you’re with your old buddy. You’ve come to connect in a very particular way, and you should stick to the program.
