Note: This article is for relationships that began in person. It’s not about starting from scratch with video dates or getting to know someone for the first time through a screen. This is for when the connection was already real—and now you’re figuring out how to keep that momentum going from afar.
Whenever possible, in-person dating is definitely preferable. Yet sometimes you can’t meet in person—whether you’re home for the holidays, on a work trip, or living in different cities. Whatever the reason, you’ve already met, and now you’re in that in-between space.
Meeting over video or phone can help bridge that gap. Virtual meetings will not typically give you the same clarity, chemistry, or connection as spending real time together. Still, when real life makes in-person dates hard, video and phone are better than texting… and way better than letting the connection fade into silence. (We discourage texting as a mode of getting to know each other. Leave texting for keeping in touch and for logistics.)
We recognize that people are different. Some people do amazingly well on Zoom, while others really struggle. Some people are better at connecting by phone than in person. But in general, most people don’t find it easy to build a connection virtually. It can feel awkward, draining, or just… not the same.
So the focus here is: how to make the most of long-distance dating between in-person dates. What to do on Zoom or phone dates, how often to plan them, and how to approach them so they support your relationship instead of stressing it.
The “third less” principle
A helpful way to view video dating is as ‘one-third less’. In every respect, one should approach virtual dating as being no more than two-thirds of what a date would be in person.
A helpful way to view video dating is as “one-third less”. In every respect, one should approach virtual dating as being no more than two-thirds of what a date would be in person. This principle has numerous implications:
Shorter dates – If you would be thinking about a three-hour date in person, make it a two-hour date on video. If you are finding it a struggle, it is okay to ask to end the date earlier than you would consider polite if the date were in person. You could explain that dating via video is more challenging and that you are running out of steam. You can also agree ahead of time to keep the dates shorter for this reason.
Space between dates – A Zoom date might last about an hour, which often isn’t enough to maintain momentum over several days. Depending on circumstances and practicalities, consider shorter but more frequent check-ins. If you’d typically meet twice a week in person, with Zoom dating, you might meet more often for briefer conversations.
Expect to achieve less – The pace of progress is likely to be slower with Zoom dates. It often takes more time for conversations to deepen and for a strong connection to develop. More patience is required.
Treat difficulties as less – If a Zoom date feels underwhelming, try not to react too strongly. Virtual dates are more prone to lower connection, experience misunderstandings, or come across other challenges compared to in-person meetings.
That is not to say that you should not expect any progress, or that all issues should be ignored just because you are speaking via video. It is more that everything should be taken with a grain of salt. For someone to react after a date with “I’m not feeling it” is questionable, but to do so after a video date is doubly so.
What can be expected from video and call dates?
Video and phone calls are not the same as dating in real life. They’re not going to carry the full weight of building a relationship. But they can keep the connection warm and hopefully continue to move the relationship forward, but it typically lacks the same level of human connection.
If you go in expecting magic every time, you’re likely to come out disappointed. “Did we click?” “Are we getting closer? ”Those questions are harder to answer after a video date. These dates tend to be a bit more awkward; one or both of you might feel rigid, and the interaction can feel more impersonal. Add in tech issues—glitches, lag, bad lighting—and it’s no surprise that virtual dates can feel flat. While any date can fall short sometimes, it is especially true in virtual dating.
Of course, you should go into a Zoom date planning to have a great conversation and looking to build more closeness. But if things aren’t as good as you were hoping, it shouldn’t make you call the relationship into question. It is best to have realistic expectations.
It’s Harder to Bond Via a Screen
When you are on a date, you are more than just exchanging words. If things are going well, there is a tangible chemistry that normally transpires. There should be a resonance, meaning that each party projects a certain type of presence that is conveyed via a range of body language. Much of this is hard to generate via a screen.
With remote dating, you’re not in the same room, and an entire dimension of the experience is missing—like seeing how your date interacts with others, how they handle real-life situations, or how they navigate awkward or unexpected moments. You’re also missing those small, shared experiences—from forgetting where you parked to endless elevator stops.
Some people manage to connect well even when not in person, which is great for them. But many do not thrive on video, and it is important for all parties to be aware of this and factor it in.
Talking is great, but when it’s just talk—especially in a setup like this—it’s often not enough to build momentum.
You might even find yourself questioning the whole thing:
“It just didn’t feel right.”
“He seemed distracted.”
“We didn’t click on the call, so maybe there’s nothing here.”
Before you draw conclusions, remember: Zoom and phone calls are challenging for a lot of people. Some people are warm and easygoing in person, but freeze up on video. Others aren’t natural phone conversationalists but come alive when you’re walking next to them or sharing something real. When assessing how the dating is going, take the format into consideration.
What to Do on Long-Distance Dates
Phone Walks
Walking while talking helps the conversation flow naturally and keeps you present. Movement boosts openness and creativity—getting you out of your head and into the moment. Being surrounded by natural beauty can spark meaningful conversations and create a sense of calm. Plus, the endorphins released during a walk can lift your mood. Moving around also reduces the discomfort of sitting for long periods and breaks the monotony of being in the same space. It also opens up the possibility of including what’s going on around you in the conversation.
Tips for a Good Phone Walk:
- Use headphones and make sure your phone’s charged.
- Walk in a quiet, familiar area—not somewhere overly busy or where you are likely to get lost.
- Or, choose a lovely, date-like spot like a park, garden, or boardwalk.
- Share little highlights as you go: a mural, a sunset, something that catches your eye.
- Choose a quieter route with fewer distractions and stay aware of your surroundings. Safety first!
- Don’t do this on the way to or from errands—this is a date. Make it an intentional experience.
- There doesn’t need to be a specific destination. Meander if you like—maybe walk around the same block a few times.
- Depending on where you are holding in the dating process, it may work to include one another in something more practical like going shopping (such as going to Target).
Zoom from a “Date Spot”
Zooming from your basement in a hoodie may not create the ideal vibe. Choose a spot that feels more intentional and meaningful:
- A cozy nook at home with good lighting.
- An appropriate hotel lounge, coffee shop, or a quiet public spot with good connectivity.
- Anywhere you feel relaxed, a little special, and not worried about being overheard.
- If possible, both of you can go to similar spots (ex: a garden, or outdoor gallery) for a shared experience. You could both even order gourmet coffee, smoothies, or ice cream to enjoy while chatting.
Don’t Skip the Basics
Even though you’re not physically going out, showing up like it’s a real date still matters:
- Come prepared with a proper plan for the date, such as questions, topics of conversation, and activities you can do together (see below).
- Dress up for a date, even if you’re at home. Don’t cut back on the effort to look your best.
- Test your tech beforehand. Ensure your internet connection, camera, and microphone are working well. Adjust your lighting and camera angle for the best view.
- Minimize distractions so you can focus on each other and the conversation.
Zoom & Phone Date Ideas (That Don’t Feel Like Work Calls)
Create shared experiences, even from a distance. Here are a few low-stress ideas:
- Cook Together: Pick a simple recipe and cook it at the same time. Or order a craft package to do together.
- Show & Tell: If appropriate, you can give a mini tour of the space you are in, or talk about a keepsake that has a special story for you.
- Watch Something Short: Pick a shiur, TED Talk, YouTube clip, or comedy sketch, then discuss it afterward.
- Meaningfully share: Swap stories—first jobs, childhood memories, quirky favorites.
- Photo Share: Show pictures of family, your neighborhood, a recent trip—use screen sharing or hold up your phone to share.
- Play Online Games: Trivia, word games, escape rooms, etc.
- Virtual Tours: Take a virtual museum tour or explore an exotic city online or even street views via Google Maps Street View online. Engage with the experience – discuss what you see, share your impressions, ask fun questions: “If we were in Paris, where would we go first?” or “What would you eat in this market?” (You might screen share or take turns controlling what you are seeing.)
- Neighborhood Walk: Walk around your neighborhood, pointing out highlights or childhood spots. “This is my favorite coffee shop,” or “This is where my best friend and I used to hang out.” If you have a drone, you can give an aerial tour—or use a 360-degree camera for something different.
Long-distance dating isn’t easy, but it can still be meaningful and worthwhile with the right mindset and pacing. Focus on connection over perfection, and give the relationship room to grow—even across the screen.
