Some people struggle greatly with letting go of their freedom and giving up their independence. This seems strange, as isn’t that the whole idea of dating: to surrender your independence to another person through marriage?
Some people struggle greatly with letting go of their freedom and giving up their independence because they are conflicted: One side absolutely wants the commitment and attachment, while the other side isn’t ready to assume the changes and risk.
The simple explanation is that people are often conflicted: One side absolutely wants the commitment and attachment of a life-long partnership; the other side isn’t ready to assume the enormous changes and risk involved in taking the plunge. What results is a state of stagnation, whereby the part that wants a relationship keeps pushing its agenda, while the opposing side is equally insistent about avoiding one.
If that state of mind doesn’t sound like fun, that is because it isn’t fun. It isn’t pleasant for the one experiencing this internal conflict, nor is it fair to all those people who have dated them.
[Some people are just uninterested in becoming attached. They are not looking to date or get married. They are unlikely to be reading this article, for obvious reasons. This article is about those who – at least in part – would very much like to get married, which is why they spend so much time, effort and money pursuing this goal.]
This article will provide a detailed explanation of this personality type, what leads to it, and what may be done to circumvent it.
Understanding inner conflict
We have explained elsewhere that all people are complex, consisting of numerous different parts and dimensions. Normally, all those parts and dimensions are well coordinated, highly synchronized, and work in harmony with each other. However, in a small percentage of people, their parts pull – in varying degrees – in opposing directions.
Unsurprisingly, complexity is itself complex. It may appear in a wide variety of forms, such as people who have strong artistic and practical sides, or are both introverted and extroverted, or highly spiritual and down-to-earth. The variation of complexity we are addressing here is where one side of the person is fighting hard to retain the person’s independence, while another side is eager to become melded and intertwined with another person.
As is often the case with complex people, they are entirely unaware that this is the case. So, instead of figuring out some sort of plan, they just keep pulling in opposite directions. A case of one step forward and one step back. Being aware of inner conflict doesn’t make it go away, but it does greatly increase one’s ability to find a way past it.
Push and pull effect
The part of the mind that’s not so interested in the relationship has a different agenda. It looks at the whole idea through a cost-benefit lens—and comes to the opposite conclusion. To that part, it makes more sense to hold on to what you already have than to risk it by getting into a relationship.
To bolster its case for remaining single, it often promotes the notion that you don’t need a relationship to feel whole. It champions the idea that your life is great as is, and why mess with a good thing? It paints marriage as a highly risky adventure, in which there are so many things that could go terribly wrong. It paints single life as wonderful and marriage as fraught. It prioritizes personal goals and interests, and can even resent the need to date.
The other side holds the exact opposite risk-benefit analysis. It considers the praise of the single life to be wildly exaggerated and views marriage as an opportunity to enjoy many of the greatest joys of life and as a way to fulfil one’s highest values. It considers giving up on certain single-life privileges to be a perfectly reasonable price to pay for everything that a lifelong relationship brings.
The net result of this ying-yang is that dating begins positively, driven by their marriage-minded side. But as things get more serious and there is a realistic possibility of a relationship developing, that is when the fiercely-independent side kicks in. If a relationship makes too many demands on their freedom of maneuver – as it normally does – it will merely cause the person to hold even more tightly to their independence.
Keep your distance
Closeness is experienced as a direct threat to a person who fears loss of independence. The very thing that most people long for, and which is the source of so much of the happiness generated by relationships, is for this person a source of major aggravation.
Since a part of them would rather this, they may subconsciously sabotage the relationship or not give it due attention. This may have several profound consequences:
- It may feel much more of a struggle to open up emotionally. They would rather keep things at a surface level, which avoids the discomfort of feeling that the walls are closing in.
- They are typically less willing to make concessions or adjustments to make it work for the other person, as a part of them would rather it didn’t work.
- A common reaction is to create distance when the person they are dating tries to get too close or suggest a deeper connection.
Setting an impossible bar
With an underlying reluctance to surrender their precious freedom, they may take the view that only someone truly extraordinary is worth the sacrifice. If this is the mindset, it leads to a fundamental distortion: thinking that the success of a lifelong marriage is going to be dependent on being wowed by someone. Better to face what dating is about.
Dating seriously—especially toward marriage—isn’t just about finding the right person. It’s about making space for someone to enter. It’s not about someone being “worth it enough” to push their way in, but about you deciding to make space—to shift things a little, to loosen your grip on your perfect setup, to hold open a spot because you’ve decided connection matters.
Deciding to be in a relationship means choosing to expand your world to include someone else—because you believe that having a full life with someone might be even richer than doing it all solo. Ask yourself honestly: Can you value the potential of marriage, or are you hoping someone’s impressive enough to fight their way in?
Discomfort is not always bad
For those who deeply value independence, dating or marriage can feel like a risky trade-off. When personal freedom and self-reliance matter so much, it’s easy to see relationships as a threat to that. But this fear is just that—fear. In reality, letting someone good into your life doesn’t take anything away from you.
There will be temporary discomfort because of the way your brain works – it produces a strong negative reaction – but that will soon give way to the realities on the ground. Don’t let your anxiety around losing your independence color your view of the suitability of a shidduch.
Identify your fear
Fear comes from many directions. Knowing where it’s coming from enables us to subject it to rational scrutiny: Is this a genuine threat, or is your mind playing a trick on you? Here are a few examples:
Attachment to Independence: You’ve built a life where you’re in control of your time and decisions. The idea of making room for someone else can feel like a loss of control.
Fear of dependence: Some people are concerned that leaning on someone else will make them dependent, compromising their self-reliance and freedom.
Worry about being depended upon: You aren’t used to someone leaning on you, and you may worry about letting the person down or feeling overwhelmed.
Financial worries: Entering a relationship involves material responsibility for another person. You may be anxious about your ability to meet your obligations.
But, are those fears a reason to avoid relationships? Often, they are not.
What you may be gaining
You have a choice to turn your focus away from what you are losing to what you would be gaining. Marriage and relationships offer benefits that can actually enhance your independence. Here are some points for reflection:
Financial stability – Married people often make more money, not just because of combined financial resources, but due to the support and encouragement they give one another. While you may spend more, it’s typically for the family, offering a higher standard of living through combined efforts.
Less stress – Once married, you no longer face the stress of searching for “the one.” This shift allows you to focus on growth rather than constantly being in “relationship-seeking mode,” which brings greater productivity and peace of mind.
Emotional support – Marriage offers support—emotional and practical—that helps you navigate life’s challenges. Knowing you have a partner who cares about you makes life easier, creating a deeper sense of freedom to pursue your personal goals while knowing you have someone by your side.
Fulfillment through giving – A relationship is an opportunity to give, to support someone else, and to be supported. This type of mutual exchange brings a deeper sense of purpose, joy, and connection. It enriches both your life and your partner’s life.
Expanding your life – Marriage is not about giving up your personal pursuits; it’s about expanding your horizons, sharing experiences, and growing as individuals and as a couple. You can maintain your interests (albeit with some adjustments) while embracing the positive benefits of being in a relationship.
Fulfil your potential – Marriage is a mitzvah that brings you closer to fulfilling your purpose in life. Rather than a prison, a marriage opens up numerous opportunities to build a meaningful life.
Marriage doesn’t mean losing yourself—it’s about expanding your life in ways. You don’t have to surrender all your interests to be married, but it’s an opportunity for growth, emotional support, financial stability, and shared joy. By shifting the perspective on compromise and independence, you can see that marriage doesn’t diminish you; it enhances the potential of your life, offering freedom, fulfillment, and connection.
