The incredible thing is that most people don’t experience fear during dating. Quite the reverse, if they find the other person to be suitable, they are more likely to experience a high level of enthusiasm and happiness. In many cases, the reaction will be elation, wild levels of excitement.
That is because the brain is normally wired to release an intense cocktail of chemicals into the brain if we romantically connect with someone – hence the term ‘chemistry’. An entire slew of mechanisms in our brain kick in to drive us to ever-greater closeness, accompanied by intensifying longing for the object of our romantic interest.
The reason for this is that it is natural for humans to long for closeness and acceptance. When we find this, we are liable to be overcome with an intoxicating feeling. Not everyone has this feeling quite as intensely, and for many, this grows more slowly – but this is the natural course of things.
There is one thing in particular, however, that is capable of stopping this from happening: Fear. It puts a brake on the development of those wonderful feelings, and instead injects a deep uneasiness that feels very different from what was just described. There are several types of fear, such as commitment phobia or heightened anxiety.
This article focuses, though, on perhaps the most common expression of fear: Intense worry, unjustifiably expecting the worst. We will discuss where it comes from, how it affects people, and how, if this affects you, you would be best advised to approach your dating.
Why dating invokes so much fear
People who are not normally fearful or anxious can experience unusually elevated levels of worry during dating. Of course, people who are caught up in exaggerated levels of worry are typically unlikely to see it as such. They most probably will view their reaction as a completely expected reaction to noticing potentially problematic issues.
This is why worry is so insidious, as it masquerades as proper concern underpinned by a commitment to making the right decision – which, of course, is a perfectly good thing to do. As we shall see, worry is very different and much less productive. Worry is concern gone rogue.
So, why do many people worry so much when it comes to dating? Very briefly (for a fuller explanation, see here), this is because of the unique nature of dating: making a long-term decision, involving highly complex considerations, from a position of limited knowledge, and with far-reaching consequences.
Dating leads to a truly major life decision, with both the potential for the greatest benefits or the severest detriments. For some people, the reaction is to fixate on the risk and focus on the negative – even though it holds them back and rarely results in better outcomes.
Feeling overwhelmed
People worry more when they feel stretched beyond their comfort zone. If you were asked to fly a plane (assuming you aren’t a trained pilot), you would be “worried” – except that this would be a natural and healthy concern. You would look at the wide panel with dozens of buttons and levers, and feel overwhelmed. Anything that a person doesn’t feel equipped to deal with is going to induce increased worry: “Will I figure out how to do it?” or “What if I get it wrong?”
Dating involves a wide variety of facets that need to come together for success – from determining what qualifies as suitable, to building trust and connection, to making a life-changing decision. If you have it in you to become overwhelmed, dating is a strong candidate for that happening. What is incredible is that so many people seem entirely unfazed by dating. We should not be overly surprised that some people are not quite as relaxed.
But why would a person dwell on how overwhelmed they are rather than how wonderful things could be?
Negative outcomes
As humans, we are wired to pay special attention to things that could pose a risk to us. It is, in fairness, a key reason for our success as a species. We are adept at identifying and avoiding danger. We have learned to identify what are especially consequential matters and to weigh our steps when it comes to them. We will add especially high levels of caution when confronting decisions that pose particular danger that we have reason to worry will end up badly.
Dating provides a perfect platform for such fears. It also offers a basis for enormous happiness, but the worrier frets about the many possible causes of failure that dating presents. Dating presents a range of potential harms, from being rejected, to causing oneself deep embarrassment, from experiencing a bad marriage, to getting divorced, from being unhappy, to disappointing the other.
But why would a person focus on all that could go wrong when there is an even longer list of things that could go amazingly well?
Fear is privileged
Not all emotions are ‘equal’. Most emotions have to justify themselves. For example, people are not normally happy unless they have a reason to be. But fear is different: It doesn’t feel the need to justify itself. It doesn’t feel obligated to substantiate itself. It will intrude even when it doesn’t belong. It shows up unwanted. In this sense, it is privileged: it gets to do things that other emotions don’t get to do.
Baseless fear feels just as compelling as one caused by an actual danger. Fear comes from the most primal part of the brain, which is the least discerning. It gets triggered very easily and doesn’t require a whole lot of proof or justification. If you are more sensitive to fear than the regular person, you are capable of reacting very intensely to not all that much.
If someone puts a toy gun to your head but you don’t know it’s fake, you will react with the same level of terror as if it were a real gun. The actual danger is infinitely lower than if it were an actual weapon, but before your brain can distinguish between the two, you will already be overcome with dread. In dating, too, before the Worrier can process whether something poses a genuine threat, their self-protection system can become alerted and cause a tremendous amount of anxiety.
But why would this happen if it isn’t in the person’s best interest?
Fear doesn’t ask for permission
This brings us to a unique aspect of fear. It comes and takes over, whether or not it is invited to do so, whether or not it is in the person’s interest for this to happen. It shows up and says: “I’m here, now see if there is something that you can do about it!” The reason it does so is because that part of our brain thinks it is acting in our best interest, protecting us from making a terrible mistake. Its modus operandi is: freak out now, ask questions later; better be safe than sorry.
By the time we come to make sense of how we are feeling, we are already dealing with a lot of stress. The damage has, to some extent, already been done. We now have to find a way to overcome our worry, while we are already debilitated with worry! We are not in a neutral position anymore; we have already been compromised. Worry, therefore, starts with the upper hand. So, you can’t be too gentle when dealing with your fear – because it is not exactly being gentle with you.
So, what should you do?
Turn on the light and the darkness will be banished
First and foremost, you need to understand what was just explained. This will give you clarity. That is the best weapon against the effects of worry. Once we are clear about the nature of fear and how it manipulates our brains, we are in a far better position to push back on it.
Worry is a strong instinct. Still, it is often a matter of choice. You don’t have to accept its influence unquestioned.
Elsewhere, we explain in detail the ways that worry and other types of fear affect a person’s behavior during dating. It’s important that you familiarize yourself with how it is likely to influence your behavior. With this knowledge, you can take countermeasures to seize back control.
Healthy worry is extremely beneficial; it ensures that we pay due attention to what we are doing. Dating involves a multitude of complex maneuvers that require careful consideration, and it requires making a range of important choices that should be thought through. Nursing an appropriate level of concern prevents us from making costly errors.
However, some people are affected by a rogue fear that has no utility. It is like an overzealous guard dog who drives away our friends along with any potential threats. It is no longer merely keeping us safe; it is holding us back. It is no longer just alerting us to potential threats, it is now inventing or grossly exaggerating those threats. It has gone from being part of the solution to being a key part of the problem. Understanding this puts the power back in your hands.
Fear is rarely fully overcome, and your tendency to worry likely won’t disappear completely. At best, it may come to a standoff. Even if you’ve proven it wrong many times, fear often returns. In most cases, learning to deal with it is more realistic than expecting it to go away entirely. But with proper understanding, you can see through what’s happening in your mind.
Focus on the goal
If you are a worrier, dating can feel very uncomfortable. The level of discomfort may rise to a level that you can’t see how this shidduch could work. You may understandably feel that your level of concern is too high to make it possible for you to move forward with the relationships.
While it is understandable, it is also a terrible idea. You should never judge whether you can have a decades-long success story based on how much worry you are experiencing. You need to make your decision based on how suited the person is, determined by the critical aspects of compatibility. We explain this in detail here.
It is vital that you prioritize long-term success over short-term comfort. Making the biggest decision of your life while consumed by endless worry is no fun. But whether it would be in your best interest to marry someone should be governed by the actual prospects of success, not by how hyperactive your brain is.
Don’t worry, be happy
The problem with worry is that so much of it is wasted on risks that don’t even exist and will never come to pass. Essayist Michel de Montaigne (1533–1592) put it this way: “My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.”
One evening, the bassoon player came to the famous conductor Arturo Toscanini (1867–1957) in a panic. His instrument was broken—it couldn’t reach E-flat. Toscanini contemplated for a moment, then laughed. He slapped the hapless musician on the shoulder, saying: “Never mind, E-flat doesn’t appear in the music you’ll play tonight.”
Seek counsel from someone wise who can help you distinguish between a real gun and a toy one, between a genuine concern and an overblown worry. Don’t rely unquestioningly on your sense of worry. If it is clear that the level of risk is within normal range, seek the support to move forward.
Practical steps
Gain clarity – Worrying has a way of affecting our ability to see things clearly. Do all in your power to dispel the haze and see things for what they really are. Here are some self-reflection questions to help you gain clarity:
- What if my worry isn’t giving me useful information right now?
- What if this small issue isn’t actually a big deal?
- Is this concern based on what I’ve actually seen or experienced during the dates—or what I’m imagining might happen down the line?
- Can I describe the issue clearly to someone wise, without exaggerating or minimizing?
- Am I reacting to this person or to something within myself?
- Have I had similar doubts in other shidduchim, even when the person was very different?
- Is this issue something that affects day-to-day compatibility, or just something that feels emotionally uncomfortable right now?
- Would a calmer, more grounded version of me still feel the same way about this concern?
- If someone else had this same concern, would I tell them to end it or to keep exploring?
Take back control – Worry is something natural, and for many people, a strong instinct. Still, it is often a matter of choice. You don’t have to accept its influence unquestioned. Say to yourself: “This is my brain trying to protect me. But I don’t have to follow every worry it offers.”
Offer your mind an alternative to your worrying thought: “I’m doing the best I can. I’m getting the best advice available. I’m going to see where this shidduch takes me.”
People deeply affected by worry often feel that they are being overwhelmed. They feel that the fear is stronger than they are. This is rarely the case. Ask yourself: “What if I’m more resilient than I give myself credit for?”
Manage your stress – Elsewhere, we discuss various ways to manage your stress. Take good advice about how to keep yourself in the best possible mental and emotional state. We make much better decisions from a place of serenity.
Everyone worries – it’s a thing they do. But for some people, it’s what they are: a worrier. It frames their way of viewing the world. It is no friend of dating, so don’t treat it like it is.
