If you are getting ‘no’ often.

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Getting married is an important goal not just for you but, most likely, also for the person you are dating. If you are continually getting rejections, it is from another person who also is looking for a relationship. 

It has been said that, “Once is luck, twice is coincidence, three times is a pattern.” If you have difficulties when dating one or two people, there is no reason to think much about it. Most people don’t marry the first person they date. Perhaps it is disappointing, but move on and you’ll be fine. However, if things are going to plan and you keep getting turned down, it is vital that you stop and ask “why?” 

Without knowing the reason, you just have to hope you are more fortunate next time. That is like gambling. Instead, make a point of getting help to figure it out. Below are a range of factors to consider, whether the rejection is during the research phase, after the first date, or whether it is after several dates. 

If you are consistently getting ‘no’ during the research phase

It’s hard. They didn’t even meet you and they are saying no.  

There are several things to consider:

  • In some cases, it is totally on them. They might be shallow and superficial, and missing out on someone special. But then, do you really want someone who is shallow?
  • If you are the one who came up with the idea, might it be that you are not realistic about who they are and what they are looking for in life?  Or realistic about who you are. Are you pursuing someone who would not be willing to consider you?” Are you looking for a go-getter, but you aren’t the type who can hold the fort when he is ‘go-getting’?
  • It could be that someone on your reference list or someone else is saying negative things about you. It might be worthwhile to have someone call the references to see what they are saying. If you are close (enough) to someone who nixed the shidduch, you might ask them what they heard and why they said no. “Please help me in this shidduch journey, it is important for me to know what people are sharing about me. If there is something I need to correct or clarify, it is important for me to know.”
  • It might also be that you have a character trait or lifestyle choice that many find off-putting. If it is something that you are open to change, this may be in your interest. If it is part of who you are, then recognize that it might be harder to find someone who is ready to live with it. 
  • Do you come across as not being ready for marriage? Are you of an age that it is expected that you would have figured out your career, yet you are still unsure? 
  • No question that dating struggles have the capacity to drag you down, but a negative attitude is not the way to go. Read this article about how to handle rejection.

If you are consistently getting ‘no’ – after the 1st date 

If you are consistently getting ‘no’ after a first or second date, it is worth reflecting about what is going on. 

  • It might be that you are being set up with people who have different visions for life – mismatches. It might be that someone has been misrepresenting who you are.  
  • It might be how you are conducting yourself during the date. Think about the conversations – are they lopsided? Do you take up much of the time, do you talk most of the time? Do you answer in monosyllables? Do you not ask questions about them? Do you talk about yourself for most of the date?
  • Reflect about how you are treating them and others? Are you being thoughtful toward your date? Are you rude to service staff? Are you telling them what to do?
  • How do you look on dates? Are you neat and clean? Does it look like you didn’t put any effort into the date?

Remember that the person you dated is most likely just as interested in getting married as you are. If things are repeatedly not working out, it is important to gain insight into what may be the reason.

If you consistently get ‘no’ after several dates

Rejection is, unfortunately, a normal part and a not uncommon aspect of dating. But if it happens repeatedly – and especially if each occasion is difficult to explain – it is worth trying to understand what may be going on. Many people are struggling with some kind of issue that they are unaware of, and this can get in the way of a successful dating outcome.

People are often entirely unaware of how they may be projecting a particular impression that undermines the success of their dating. Many of those issues are addressed throughout this website. Even a very small problem is sufficient to trip things up. If there is indeed some hidden factor at work, why wait until you have more aggravation before addressing it?

Being open on a date is crucial, but it is possible that the way certain topics are addressed or particular issues are handled could be causing alarm. If you are independently-minded, it is worth being aware of how your views may come across. What you may regard as refreshingly honest, may be seen by another as blunt or insensitive.

Rejection is often taken very personally. It is never easy, but there are ways to view it and approach it that can be healthy and constructive. We discuss this more fully here.


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