Before committing to marriage – for women

When making the decision to commit to marriage, think with your head and not only with your heart. Before committing to marriage, THINK about these aspects of your relationship. And substantiate with examples and anecdotes.

What to think about

Have I shared all the important parts of myself? Withholding important aspects of yourself can lead to feelings of betrayal and can really backfire on the relationship. It may be hard or uncomfortable to bring up difficult topics, but hiding them is not in your best interest.

Do I know he accepts and is comfortable with the whole me? Have you had discussions about the more complex sides of you? How has he understood what those mean to you and to a life together with you?

Do I want to commit my time, energy, finances, space etc. to him? Marriage is about sharing a life together.

Do we have compatible values and life goals? While you do not have to be exactly the same, you should know that your visions for life are aligned.

Do I want to spend a lifetime with him – even if he didn’t have some of the more external trappings? Are you somewhat enthralled by his looks or financial status? Or excited to be joining that family?

Does he bring out the best in me? Do you like the person you are when you are with him?

Am I afraid of him in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how he will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.

Do I want to be more like him? Do I want to have a child with him? Would I like my child to turn out like him?  You will be spending a lot of time together, you will learn from each other. Think of your friends and neighbors. How have they influenced your thinking, your choices, your way of being?

Do I feel that he has good character and that she cares about my concerns? Is he respectful even when we don’t see eye to eye? What is communication like when you don’t agree? Does he listen to your perspective, or does he try to bring you to his side?

Do I feel comfortable being vulnerable with him? Can I fully be myself and express myself with him? Does he make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! Never be afraid to let him know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with him. (If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.)

Do I feel that he is being authentic and transparent, or does he answer what he thinks I want to hear? Does he say different things at different times?

Am I comfortable with his baggage and human flaws? Everyone has baggage and flaws that they bring into the marriage. What is his baggage; you will have to deal with it with him.

Am I comfortable with this decision? Are you making this decision with your head and with your heart, and not because you are flattered, infatuated, feeling desperate to get married? While some anxiety about making a lifetime decision is normal, don’t get pressured into making a decision. Speak to someone who has lots of experience in this area.

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