Gadi and Shira have been enjoying getting to know each other for several weeks. They both get along well, and really like each other. Both have been dating for a good few years, and are excited to have finally met someone they enjoy being around. Shira is looking forward to getting engaged, but there is something that is getting in the way.
But something keeps happening that Shira can’t ignore.
One evening, Gadi asked if she minded waiting while he ran into a store. “I’ll be ten minutes,” he said. He reappeared a full half an hour later. Shira was left mystified by this behavior. What could have gotten into Gadi’s head?
Another time, Gadi made a comment about how her appearance made him feel great. Shira thought it was odd and inappropriate. He was normally very respectful and decent, so what was that about?
Then there was the evening his credit card was declined. It turned out he failed to pay his credit card bill. Shira began to question if he is honest.
By this point, Shira was becoming increasingly uneasy. She couldn’t help notice that Gadi had done similar things throughout their dating. Was Gadi irresponsible? Maybe, a narcissist? Was he dishonest? Did he simply not care enough to make a good impression? Or was there something else going on?
Looking beyond character
One of the easiest mistakes to make in dating is to confuse behavior with character. Someone is late; they must be inconsiderate. Someone forgets something important; they must not care. Someone says something awkward; they must be insensitive.
Sometimes those conclusions are accurate. But sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes the person’s values, intentions, and behavior don’t seem to fit together. Sometimes, they are generally kind and caring, and they sincerely want the relationship to succeed. Yet they continue making mistakes that seem unnecessary and preventable.
When the pieces don’t fit, it may be worth considering another possibility.
Enter: Executive functioning
We need to bring attention to something that receives very little attention, yet affects a significant number of people. The brain is made up of around 86 billion neurons connected through trillions of synapses (connections). There’s a lot going on there. Executive functioning helps us organize ourselves, estimate time, remember commitments, control impulses, shift attention, think ahead, and translate good intentions into effective action. (see here for more)
Most of us do these things automatically. We estimate how long something will take. We remember to pay a bill. We notice that what we’re about to say might sound offensive. We switch our attention when circumstances change.
Sometimes, communication between different parts of the brain doesn’t work as efficiently, and messages between different parts of the brain don’t flow as smoothly. Some aspects of executive functioning become less efficient and less effective, resulting in some everyday tasks going wrong.
A common consequence is difficulty with self-regulation—the ability to manage attention, impulses, time, planning, and follow-through.
The person may be intelligent, thoughtful, caring, and highly motivated—yet underestimate time, forget important details, blurt out an unfortunate comment, overlook an obvious consequence, or fail to follow through on something they fully intended to do.
To someone on the receiving end, these behaviors can easily look like selfishness, dishonesty, or indifference.
In reality, they may be the product of mild difficulty with executive functioning.
How can you tell the difference?
Executive functioning difficulties becomes a reasonable possibility when someone’s character and intentions don’t seem to match what you are noticing.
Ask yourself:
- Does this person genuinely seem to care about me? Do they consistently show kindness, generosity, and consideration in other ways?
- Do they have good judgment in areas unrelated to these mistakes? Can they hold thoughtful conversations? Make sensible decisions? Function well at work?
- Are they surprised by the problem? Do they seem genuinely unaware that what they did created an issue?
- How do they respond when it’s brought to their attention? Do they become defensive? Or do they apologize, accept responsibility, and genuinely try to do better?
- Do they make an effort, even if they don’t always succeed? People with executive functioning difficulties often dislike these mistakes as much as the people affected by them. The difference is that wanting to do better isn’t always enough. They usually need systems, routines, reminders, or practical workarounds—not simply more determination.
This doesn’t prove executive functioning is the explanation. But it may be a better explanation than assuming poor character.
Executive functioning isn’t the only possible explanation. But when a person’s character, values, and intentions consistently point in one direction while their behavior occasionally points in another, it’s worth asking whether a difficulty with executive functioning might be a better explanation than assuming poor character.
Gadi likes Shira and wants to marry her. He does many nice things to show how much he cares. He is gentle and patient with her, and sweet and loving toward her. He goes out of his way to demonstrate that he would be a supportive and selfless husband. Yet, despite all this, he keeps doing things that make Shira feel uptight and want to withdraw.
If Gadi were truly selfish, he wouldn’t be so actively caring and generous. If Gadi were unintelligent, he wouldn’t be engaging in meaningful and intellectually fulfilling conversations. If Gadi were dishonest, he wouldn’t have been so ready and willing to share personal information. If Gadi were uncaring, he wouldn’t have responded so receptively to Shira’s concerns about his mistakes.
What should Gadi do?
Gadi’s intentions are good, but his brain doesn’t reliably translate those intentions into action. That doesn’t remove his responsibility. It changes what responsibility looks like. Rather than simply promising to “try harder,” he needs to develop systems, habits, and strategies that help him bridge the gap.
Take ownership. He needs to accept that this is an area of difficulty for him and develop practical ways to reduce its impact.
Plan ahead. Mistakes are greatly reduced when actions are planned in advance. Dates and other arrangements should be thought through and organized ahead of time, as much as possible.
Open communication. To reduce the potential for misunderstanding, it is vital that Gadi explains his challenge, how it affects his behavior, and what he does to mitigate its effects.
Accept advice. He should be willing to accept the guidance and support he needs, both during dating and in marriage.
Accept feedback. While it’s uncomfortable to admit mistakes, it is still the best path available. Gadi needs to be gracious when confronted with his mistakes, provide reassurance, and, when appropriate, take steps to repair the situation.
The more Shira understands what is happening—and sees that he takes it seriously—the less likely she is to assume the worst. What matters is whether he listens, accepts responsibility, and continues looking for better ways to manage these limitations.
What should Shira do?
Shira has dated a large number of men before she met Gadi. She recognizes that the way she feels around him is different and special. He clearly has a way of making her feel safe and accepted. Shira’s task isn’t to decide whether Gadi is perfect. It’s to decide whether she understands what she’s seeing.
The questions she needs to answer are different from, “Will he ever stop making mistakes?”
Instead, they are:
- Am I willing to accept Gadi’s limitations? Everyone struggles in some way. People have a hard time with their anger, motivation, self-esteem, and so on. Executive functioning difficulties are simply another area in which someone may need support and strategies. Not only perfect people get married. Do I have the forbearance and patience not to become upset every time Gadi has an oversight?
- Am I willing to accept Gadi as he is? Executive functioning can improve slowly through developing skills and workarounds, but it isn’t something a person can simply will away. Am I able to respect and accept him for who he is? Or will I repeatedly respond to his mistakes with anger or hostility?
- Do I feel heard and respected? People who have executive functioning difficulties may still be very receptive when issues are brought to their attention. The difficulty itself does not mean that they will manipulate, deny, or dismiss concerns. Do I feel heard and treated seriously when I bring things up?
Conclusion
Often, it isn’t the issue itself that causes the most concern or damage, but the way it is handled. If someone has a hard time with one or more aspects of executive functioning, it is always best to communicate openly and effectively about it.
Many people won’t immediately reject a person because they have a struggle. They are much more likely to do so because they don’t understand what’s behind the behavior and therefore assume the worst.
Shira is still seriously dating Gadi because she sees his many good qualities. What she wants to know is that Gadi is self-aware, that he takes responsibility for his actions, and that he will remain open to hearing when something has gone wrong.
Looking beyond the behavior to the person doesn’t mean overlooking genuine concerns. It means making sure the explanation fits the evidence before drawing conclusions about someone’s character.
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The Human Brain and Executive Functioning
The human mind is insanely complex. It contains around 86 billion neurons that connect with each other through around 100–500 trillion synapses . To give some indication of how complex the human brain is, there are more pathways in a single brain than the road networks of the entire planet earth – and by a wide margin!
The human brain runs a kind of postal service more complex that the entire global postal service, sending messages from one part of the brain to the other at the speed of light. This allows us to carry out highly complex tasks without even realizing it. Since we have been rehearsing and perfecting the coordination of our brain since birth, we go about speaking, writing, walking, and so on with ease.
If there is any disruption in the way our brain’s neural network functions, it can result in messages in our brain slowing down or getting stuck. While usually this is a result of brain damage – either via an accident or disease, in which case it’s usually more severe – it can be this way naturally as well, typically in a milder form. A common consequence is on the person’s self-regulation, meaning their ability to manage uniquely human tasks. This is why some people have a hard time focusing and avoiding distractions, keeping time and commitments, providing accurate information, and so on. To someone who doesn’t understand, it may seem the person is dishonest, unintelligent, or uncaring. In reality, it is the product of mild difficulty with executive functioning.
