A Common Complaint from Daters: The Lack of Excitement
- “There’s nothing about her that makes me excited.”
- “I don’t see a point in continuing, as I don’t have any excitement.”
- “If this is such a good idea, why don’t I feel excited?”
What role should excitement play in dating? Let’s unpack this, as it’s a source of confusion and frustration, and sometimes even harm, for many.
Good Excitement vs. Bad Excitement
Few things in life are more exhilarating than meeting your life partner. It’s hard to overstate the joy it can bring. Finding someone to share your life with isn’t just about companionship; it’s about new possibilities, including the chance to build a family. If that’s not exciting, what is? This is the healthy kind of excitement.
The right kind of excitement is about appreciating the relationship itself—the fact that you’ve found someone you feel so close to and so comfortable with that you’d be happy to spend the rest of your life with. It’s a feeling of gratitude and optimism about the future you’re building together.
But some people chase the wrong kind of excitement: the desire to feel exhilarated by specific traits of the other person. They want to come back from a date and exuberantly exclaim: “She is amazing” or “He is incredible.” Whether it’s their looks, wealth, status, or talents, they hype up one aspect of the person rather than focusing on the relationship itself. This is where problems start.
Such people have a hard time getting excited about the relationship, so they seek excitement from some aspect of the person. While admiration for someone’s qualities is fine, a relationship built only on these surface-level factors is unlikely to sustain long-term happiness. The key to marital success lies in building a great relationship, not just finding a “great” person.
A minority of people are highly dependent on feelings of excitement to carry them through the dating process. They struggle to stay motivated when someone doesn’t excite them this way and may quickly dismiss someone they regard as “boring.” The danger here is that they become so focused on chasing the thrill of excitement that they overlook the importance of the relationship itself. The problem is that excitement will inevitably wane, and it’s vital to ensure that what remains when the initial thrill fades is something truly positive.
Why Some Seek Unhealthy Excitement
When someone depends on the adrenaline rush of excitement to feel interested in dating, it often masks an underlying barrier. Without realizing it, they use the need for excitement to distract from inner fears, anxieties, or uncertainties that prevent real connection.
Seeking thrilling dates or intense chemistry to fill this void shifts the focus from building a healthy relationship to compensating for discomfort. But this dependency becomes a trap, prioritizing the thrill over true relationship-building. Over time, this reliance on excitement lowers motivation and enthusiasm, making dating and developing genuine connection even harder.
Stepping Off the Excitement Merry-Go-Round
If you constantly find yourself chasing excitement, it’s worth exploring why. Have you been dating for a while without much success? Do you often feel a lack of excitement, even after meeting good people? It’s important to gain insight into yourself.
When dating for marriage, the focus should be on compatibility and shared values, not just the rush of initial attraction. What’s more important is how you interact with each other—your ability to communicate, support, and grow together. Look for someone you can see yourself building a life with. It’s far more important that you like the person than you like things about the person. Your goal should be to find someone you would enjoy making a life with, rather than just finding someone you’re excited to date.
It’s more important that you like the person than you like things about the person. Your goal should be to find someone you could make a life with, not to find someone you are excited to date.
If you’re dating someone and losing interest because of a lack of excitement, take a moment to reflect on what is driving this feeling. Try to imagine what married life would actually be like and contemplate what qualities you need in a spouse to give yourself the best chance for success. Consider that life will bring you plenty of excitement, as will the relationship itself. What you can’t afford to overlook are the qualities that make someone a great life partner.
Don’t Let Excitement Dictate Your Decisions
Don’t let the need for excitement control your dating choices. Take a step back and let self-awareness guide your decisions. With clarity, you can make wise, informed choices that lead to a lasting and fulfilling relationship. Don’t let temporary thrills replace true connection.
