One of the most common issues in dating is that we meet someone we like, get along with, and find much in common with – but there’s something or a number of things that don’t sit easy. This often leaves people feeling stuck: On the one hand, there is so much that is positive and worth holding onto. On the other hand, there are those aspects that are jarring and don’t feel right.
The simple truth of the matter is that this is pretty much unavoidable. When it comes to dating, there really is no such thing as a perfect fit. Given the thousands of elements that constitute every single individual, there isn’t a realistic chance of ever meeting someone who is a complete match. There will always be some degree of difference, including in ways that can unsettle us.
Let’s be clear: The happiness and success of a marriage are not determined by how perfectly matched people are. Of course, it is vital that a couple have a high level of similarity and compatibility, but perfect alignment is neither necessary nor possible. If couples with strong suitability struggle in marriage, it is not because of some imperfection but because of more fundamental difficulties in managing a relationship.
But, some people say they met someone perfect for them.
Some people say they met someone perfect for them. This is not at all uncommon and for a very simple reason. When the vast majority of people date someone they like they will develop emotional bonds. A whole slew of chemicals are released in the person’s brain, not least dopamine (pleasure creating pleasure), oxytocin (generating affection), and serotonin (which increases happiness). This is why often people who have a successful dating experience will be on a high.
While people vary greatly in how quickly and how intensely they become attached during dating, it is typical for feelings of closeness to grow rather quickly. In a small minority of people, this could happen even after a single date. For most people, this is a process that takes several dates. But, by the time most people are ready to commit to marriage, they have lost a great deal of their neutrality. Even if they are not “madly in love,” they are far from dispassionate.
People in this state of mind who say that they can identify no fault or imperfection in the other are hardly stating this from a position of objective reason. It is a wonderful thing that they are excited about their budding relationship and are able to focus on all the good qualities they see in the other. It is only to say that their highly positive view is more evidence of their level of enthusiasm and less proof of perfection.
So, why do so many people say they can’t find someone suitable?
In our current culture, many of us struggle to handle imperfection, disappointment, or unmet expectations. This mindset is taking a toll on our relationships—especially in the world of shidduchim.
When you dreamed of your ideal spouse, it was easy to imagine perfection. But in reality, no one checks every box. It’s natural to feel a bit disappointed when the person you are dating doesn’t meet every single expectation. Maybe you imagined he’d be three inches taller or she’d share your exact taste in music. Yet here you are, falling in love with someone who surprises you in ways you never expected—and in some ways, might not fully match your checklist.
A key reason why so many struggle in dating nowadays is because we have, at least in part, lost the ability to deal with imperfection, to handle disappointment, to accept things won’t always go our way. We are increasingly having difficulty with making adjustments to reality. We’re used to things working out the way we want, and when we don’t, we take it badly.
We need resilience in dating. We need to be able to cope with the realities it presents: Getting married involves a certain level of disappointment. Many people would be a lot happier if they could come to terms with the fact that finding the “perfect fit” is illusory and irrelevant. Relationship happiness is much more connected to appreciating the value of what you have, rather than fixating on what’s missing.
Gain Something Greater
The Gemara (Sanhedrin 39a) tells of a conversation between the Roman ruler and Rabban Gamliel. “Your God is a thief,” he claimed, because the Torah (Bereishis 2:21) acknowledges that Hashem put Adam into a slumber and removed a part of him to create Chava. The emperor’s daughter said to Rabban Gamliel: “Leave him, as I will respond to him.” She said to her father: “Provide for me an officer of the court.” The emperor asked for the reason, and she said: “Armed bandits came to us this past night, and took a silver jug from us, and left us a golden jug.” The emperor responded: “If so, would it be that armed bandits such as these would come to us every day.” Said the daughter to her father: “That is the answer to your questions. Whatever Hashem removed from Adam was replaced with something of much greater value – he got a partner.”
A cute story, for sure. However, we may ask why the Gemara thought it necessary to cite this exchange which was designed to answer a nonsensical question. To call the creation of Chava from Adam an act of thievery is absurd on its face. Perhaps the real message of this story is that indeed sometimes we must give up on something small to get something much bigger. We learn to concede the silver jug to get the gold one.
Hashem could have created Chava without taking anything from Adam —so why didn’t He? Why was Adam put to sleep in the first place? To get a rib? Was there no other rib around? Right, who created Adam’s ribs? Because that is not how it is supposed to be. Hashem was saying, “I’m going to give you a wife, the best thing that ever happened to you. But you need to understand one thing: It’s not going to come at no price. What are you willing to give up?”
For Adam to gain the inestimable gift of a wife, he had to be willing to relinquish something first. Marriage requires compromise. If you want a gold jug, you have to let go of the silver one. That’s the deal. It’s the price for something extraordinary.
A loving, fulfilling marriage—a life filled with companionship, happiness, family, and closeness—doesn’t come without adjustments. Expecting to gain all that while clinging to every preference or desire is unrealistic. You can’t walk into marriage expecting life to revolve entirely around your wishes. Everybody has to give up something.
Marriage isn’t about getting everything you dreamed of—it’s about finding someone who’s worth the sacrifice.
The truth is, disappointment in dating is inevitable. It is just that when someone is in love they don’t see it as disappointment; they don’t perceive it as having given something up. Others, don’t get so easily swept up in the emotion, and what they see is what they’re not getting; they fixate on what’s missing. They focus on the metaphorical silver jug they wanted, completely overlooking the gold jug they’ve been given. When you look at it that way, the small things you let go of don’t feel so big anymore.
