People are fond to pronounce what is the most important thing when it comes to dating. “The most important thing is that she is really kind,” some opine. “Attraction is the key. Without that, the shidduch won’t go anywhere,” others claim. “It’s vital that I respect him; a relationship has to be built on respect,” some insist. “Yiras Shomayim is the most critical; if that is present, everything else will fall into place.
None of this is correct. Not one of those items, or any single item, can be said to be the central quality to seek in a potential marriage partner. The only thing that can be said to truly indicate the likelihood of marriage success is compatibility. A high level of suitability across all the main relevant areas is what most meaningfully predicts the chances of the union working out well. So, what does compatibility consist of?
Of course, there are many aspects. But above all else, it comes down to how well the two are as a couple. How good a team are they? How well do they get along? Yes, it is important that they have values in common, that there is mutual attraction, that the two individuals have common or at least compatible goals – but ultimately the two people will have to share a life together, and that requires two individuals who know how to bring the best out of each other.
A favorite message of DateWell is that a great marriage is not created by the union of two great people, but by the pairing of two people who can create something great. The most successful or happy union is not by pairing a perfect man with a perfect woman. What will determine that is the quality of the partnership that they create. In other words, a great shidduch is less about matching up two great people, and more about matching up a great couple. It’s all in the relationship between the two.
It’s about the compatibility
“The only thing that can be said to truly indicate the likelihood of marriage success is compatibility. A high level of suitability across all the main relevant areas is what most meaningfully predicts the chances of the union working out well.”
The essence of compatibility is in focusing on the quality of the relationship. Marriage involves a vast number of interactions, often under stressful conditions. Two people who are excellent and working in partnership, are able to easily diffuse situations, are strong at feeding positively off one another – they are so much more likely to establish a harmonious and stable life. For a lifelong arrangement, with so much being built upon it, marriage needs all the stability it can get.
Key questions to ask include:
- Do I feel accepted for the person that I am?
- Do I feel well understood, or do we often misunderstand each other?
- Do I feel listened to, or do I often get shut down?
- Can we successfully work through differences, or do antagonize each other?
- Does he build me up or put me down?
- Do I feel good around her, or do I find her irritating?
Ideally, there will be many positive features of the relationship. Hopefully, you look forward to seeing her. Preferably, you feel a strong emotional connection. It would be nice if you shared lots of common interests. It would be amazing if you were excited about joining his family. But these are not the most essential qualities.
Put simply: it is a great thing if there are things you like about the person – but it is far more important that you like the person.
Put simply: it is a great thing if there are things you like about the person – but it is far more important that you like the person. The benefit of the things that you like about the person – her appearance, his charisma, her family, his job – will wane much more quickly than the qualities that caused you to like the person. Marriage is by definition a long-term gambit, and qualities that contribute to enduring marital success should by far be the priority.
The things we like about a person are often the qualities that get us to want to date someone. It is the qualities of the person that are what makes someone successful marriage material. People who are highly adventurous are the most fun people to date, but may not be the most suitable to marry. Studies show that the qualities that cause you to like the person are what lasts the longest and contribute the most towards marital success. Make that your priority.
