Naomi genuinely liked Pesach. A classic nice guy — gentle, kind, and giving. She found him patient, understanding, and a great listener. She especially thought he’d make an excellent father. Yet something kept bothering her. Every so often, situations arose where she found herself waiting for him to take action—and he simply didn’t. Each incident seemed too minor to mention, but it accumulated.
On date six, they were in a hotel lobby waiting by an elevator to go up to the seventh-floor roof garden. Pesach pressed the button, but the elevator didn’t arrive. He kept pressing it, waiting and talking, and waiting some more. Naomi noticed the concierge desk across the lobby, staffed by two employees. “Why doesn’t he go ask them about the elevator?” she wondered.
Instead, they stood by the elevator for a full 15 minutes, until another guest noticed the problem and approached the concierge desk. Finally, the elevator arrived, and they reached the seventh floor. But that day, her hopes stayed on the ground floor. She felt deflated and disillusioned. “Is this going to be my life?” she wondered. “He just stood there doing nothing.”
It wasn’t really about the elevator anymore. She found herself wondering whether this was how he would respond whenever life required someone to take initiative. Naomi is asking herself: “When life needs someone to step up… will he?” The elevator isn’t about an elevator. She looks at it as a miniature simulation of marriage.
The sad thing is that Pesach had no idea that something which felt so insignificant to him had become a major concern for Naomi.
Certain expectations exist around dating behavior. One of the clearest expectations is proactivity: a readiness to take initiative, step forward, and participate fully. No one wants to feel like they’re dragging the other along.
Certain expectations exist around dating behavior. They aren’t fixed — they vary by community, age, and especially gender. Obviously, there are exceptions to almost every rule, so even widely accepted expectations may not always apply. Yet general expectations are useful as a starting point, even if you plan to deviate.
One of the clearest expectations is proactivity: a readiness to take initiative, step forward, and participate fully. No one wants to feel like they’re dragging the other along. For instance, after date seven, if he asks, “Would you like to arrange the next date?” and she replies, “Actually, I’d rather you did,” it could signal an unwillingness to play her part — even if that’s not her intent.
Some people are naturally more passive in dating and life generally. Reasons vary, but when given a choice, they often hold back. In dating, where two people are trying to build a relationship together, passivity can become a real liability. Healthy relationships need people who are willing to notice what needs doing and step forward.
Sometimes passivity isn’t a lack of confidence at all. Some people simply don’t notice what needs doing. Others notice, but naturally assume someone else will take care of it. If that’s you, the solution isn’t becoming a different personality. It’s learning to pause and ask yourself, “What needs my attention right now?” Developing the habit of noticing opportunities to step forward can make a remarkable difference.
A Gendered Issue
Passivity affects both genders, but it’s particularly unhelpful in men. Many women look for leadership and confidence, and can be discouraged when a man won’t take initiative or display self-assurance. While the importance of “manliness” varies, most women expect a man to step up when needed. They strongly dislike being expected to take charge all the time.
Excessive passivity can cause problems in both genders, but in men, it can be especially damaging. It may be controversial and contentious to say this, but many women say that they feel unsafe, unprotected, and unfeminine when forced to take command. Even successful women, who hold positions of authority in their daily lives, often want to feel like the “lady” on a date, with the man carrying the main responsibility. Women may begin wondering whether they’ll always have to be the one carrying the responsibility.
For example, if parking is needed and the man leaves it to the woman to find the parking space, she may feel uncared for. If he waits for her to get the attention of a server at a restaurant, she might feel like she’s “the man” in the relationship. Important issues left for her to raise can create an impression that he’s unreliable. Even if that’s not true, the perception alone can put the relationship at risk.
Not everyone is decisive, confident, or skilled at logistics. Men don’t need to act macho to impress, but they shouldn’t consistently leave initiative to someone else. As a general rule, women tend to appreciate when the man carries the primary responsibility for moving the date forward. Exceptions exist; for instance, if he’s visiting her city, she may naturally handle arrangements. As a rule of thumb, taking responsibility is his role.
Think It Through and Plan Ahead
Some people are passive simply because of how they’re wired. They may not think ahead or notice what needs to be done. In such cases, it helps to get guidance and make a game plan:
• What logistics need attention? • What issues should I address? • What decisions might I need to make?
Before a date, they should consciously remind themselves: “The person I’m taking out wants to see initiative. I will step up whenever possible.”
It’s also wise to acknowledge, at some point, that you’re naturally less inclined to lead and often happy to let others take charge. However, this must be paired with a clear commitment to step up when necessary. Passive people rarely manage to hide this tendency completely. o honesty plus reassurance allows open discussion and avoids misunderstandings.
If a woman raises concerns about passivity — “I wasn’t comfortable being left to handle that. I hoped you’d take care of it.” — brushing it off is a mistake (“You’re better at this than me; I’m glad you handled it”). Instead, he should own it and reassure her: “My bad. Momentary lapse. I want you to feel like a lady, and I’m on it.”
Passive people rarely become proactive overnight. Like any habit, taking initiative develops through awareness and practice. The first step is simply recognizing that other people often experience your passivity much more strongly than you do. What feels to you like waiting, hesitating, or letting someone else decide may leave the other person feeling alone, unsupported, or responsible for carrying the relationship.
Fortunately, initiative is a skill that can be learned. The more you train yourself to notice what needs doing, think ahead, and step forward without being prompted, the more natural it becomes. You don’t need to become forceful, controlling, or someone you’re not. Being passive may feel comfortable for you, but it may not be best for the relationship.
